This is the second part of a two part post. Just a forewarning, this post will be "preachy" as some would put it. Please respect this, feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions but as I stated in my first post these are my interpretations. My thoughts and my feelings, so be respectful of them.
"God has finally answered my prayers..." - Mom
These were the words that came from my Mom when I finally reached out for help. For the longest of times, my friends, and my family had been waiting. Secretly yearning for me to ask for help, but I could not do it until I was ready, until I realized that I no longer could control the chaos that was my life. When things are in a spiral like they were for me, you do everything within your own power to control the chaos, but no matter what move you make or decision you make things still are in a swirling tempest of uncertainty. I was calling lawyers and getting consultations, I was listening to the thoughts of others before listening to my own, and I was making ridiculous statements only to have them amount to nothing. All this was creating a tempest of uncertainty and chaos and despair in my life until that moment when I stopped to call out for aid. For me to reach out, instantly stopped this tempest. Looking back on it now, it was a sigh of relief for a lot of people, even though it hurt them as much as it hurt me, they saw me break but they also got to see the first step forward. The hardest step anyone can take in their lives.
The second words out of my mom were this, "You WILL call the church, and you WILL leave a message. Do not dolly on this, you do it and you do it now." After she and I spoke for a little longer, mostly her being liberated by the fact I finally reached out, we hung up and I made the call to the church. That Saturday, I met with the man who I now call my mentor and my friend. He is my Stephen's Minister, and he helped ignite a fire in me that laid dormant for so many years. His name is Dave Spitler. Dave, in all ways has helped me turn my life around. Since the first weekend of November, Dave and I have been meeting every Saturday morning to talk. At first our discussions were how angry I was at "her", how furious "she" made me, and how these thoughts were destroying who I was because of my anger. How because of everything I had not had a full nights sleep in months (to put the sleep thing in perspective, and some of you know this, I would lay down at around 10 at night but my brain would be firing constantly, so in actuality I was not passing out until 2 or 3 in the morning only to wake up at 4:30 to get ready for work. This schedule happened for the better part of the summer and fall), how my health was deteriorating, and I was just a shade of who I once was. He listened to everything that I had to say, and simply asked "Why are you angry?" I stopped dead in my tracks. Why had I been angry all this time, was it because of "her", was it because of how I handled the situation, was it because of Zeke? These questions were popping in and out of my head, and thoughts were flowing ever more. Once again, "Why are you angry?" he asked me, and I replied "I don't know...". For the first time in months, I did not know anything. I did not know why I was angry, and I could not give voice to why I was. Dave said to me, "God gives us three answers: Yes, No, Wait. Ask yourself does God want you to be angry?" "No." That was my first answer, and my first true understanding of the power one can put in faith. For the first time since Dad had passed, I had begun to see faith not as a hinderance, but as a tool to improve my life. No longer was it "Lord why did you do this?", it now was "Lord, how can I serve to better improve myself, How can I listen?" And so every weekend we meet (even now and hopefully continuing on in the future), he sends me words of praise and wisdom to reflect on during the week but always asks, "What would you like me to pray for for you this week?" at the end of our conversations. Dave has helped show me tools that I use almost everyday to help overcome what was just a sea of despair. He helped move my life from the extreme highs and lows to small hills and valleys because lets face it, life will never be easy but God does not put obstacles in our path that we cannot overcome.
In the past few months, my conversations with Dave have ever so slowly changed from being angry and dealing with my anger to now, "yes I was angry but I used the tools provided to help overcome it and move forward." He has taught me how to use the Bible as a tool to enhance my life and not just another book. That scripture is power, strength, and praise put into words for us to use as a foundation which to build our lives upon. Having anger and holding malice in one's heart accomplishes nothing but further despair but it also makes us deaf and blind to what is really going on. That and don't sweat the small stuff.
Right now, things are better than what they were a year ago. Physically I am in the best shape of my life, mentally I still have my wits about me, spiritually I am growing everyday, and emotionally is getting there. Things are still rough, it still hurts that I can only see Zeke on the weekends, and saving money right now is not really feasible considering the bills involving the house, doctors, gas, the dog, and food. Compared to my mind set before however, I will gladly give support knowing it means Zeke is provided for than use that money to pay a bill. I would rather go into debt than not provide for my son. I will go with out before Zeke ever will, plain and simple. So if that means not being able to afford groceries for myself but have food for Zeke then I do not eat but I make sure he does. I am not the perfect dad, nor do I claim to be but I do my damnedest to ensure the fact that Zeke never goes with out the three basic needs of life: Food, Clothing, Shelter.
Outside of that, I did try dating again and I did meet two wonderful women but in the end it did not work out with them. "Zeke having a step-mom is not necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the right thing either," is what my mom said to me in regards to my wanting to start dating again. She is right, but when it came down to it, I gave it deep thought about both women and I had to ask myself "Do I want this person in my sons life?", and the answer was "No." When the time is right, God will put the woman that I need in my life, but until then I follow what I believe to be his plan for myself and Zeke.
"I just want things to be cool between us.." - Emily
She said this to me over a month ago when we had a sit down. I was taken aback that this could actually come out of her mouth. The first thought to come to mind, "are you serious? in what bizarro world do you live in?". I did not know what to say, at all. "Things don't have to be cool between you, but you can be respectful towards her," is what my mentor had said to me. He is right, things will never "be cool" between her and I, but I will be respectful. I will also act on my word that I want to be a positive influence on Caleb's life, I want to be a mentor to him as Dave is to me. I made a decision to not go to war with Emily over Zeke because if I had, I would not be able to be that influence, that mentor in Calebs life. When I actually prayed about getting a lawyer to end this charade, I was told to wait and now I know why and I'm glad I did. Come what may of the future, I just know now the role I want to play in it and not be cast in the die I once was.
So that is a year in a nutshell. I'm still working at AT&T and hoping for a direct hire position within the next year. Physically, I can't complain. I have a goal set for myself to hit the 1300 club by August (500lb Squat, 500lb Dead-lift, 300lb Bench) and continuing to hit the gym 6 nights a week will help this. Being able to run a mile and a half and not feel winded is a great feeling as well. I lost almost 100lbs last year (went from ~300 to 203.4 at my lightest). I do weigh more now since I power lift when I'm at the gym as well as light cardio as to not burn the muscle I've put on. I completely eliminated alcohol from my life and stay out of bars entirely. And as always I look forward to my Friday nights being able to get a concrete mixer from Culver's with Zeke, then waking up Saturday morning to make him breakfast. Hands down friday nights and saturday mornings are the best thing one could ever ask for.
Last but not least, Ephesians 6:10 - 24, these words are empowering and I hold them dear to my heart. I've used them time and time again to help get through the darkness that I was in. My armor is damaged, but wearing it I can still stand firm.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Absence, Part 1 of 2
First off, what I write in this are my own personal feelings, reflections, lessons, mistakes, etc. and are from my viewpoint as I interpret them. Putting these out into an open forum means that they are subject to argument, agreement, as well as opinions of others. That is not what this is about, I am writing this because I want to. I am writing this that maybe there is someone out there who is going through the exact same thing I am and can relate to my story, but does not know how to do the hardest thing in life: taking that first step forward. I am writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across my thoughts and use the lessons I have learned to become something greater than what they already are. My mom, former teachers and professors, as well as friends have said that I have a way with words that they wish they had. And so here I am writing my story. With that, let us begin.
As some of you might have noticed, after almost a year of absence I decided to reactivate my social media websites. I decided a year ago that I was going to rid myself of everything that was hurting my growth as an individual. That in turn meant I needed to shut down my Facebook account, which left a lot of people in the dust. The way I handled everything was beyond immature and I see that now, as compared to when I actually did shut it down. A lesson learned, but not forgotten.
For me to be at the point I am now is nothing short of incredible. It is amazing the difference things can make within a year of life. Why do I say this, well because it is the truth. This time last year I was in a downward spiral, heading further into a depression that I honestly saw no end to. Everything I did felt right, yet I knew it was wrong and I had no self control over how I went about my actions. I was so angry, so furious that things occurring all around me were fueling my depression. Mom and Jim had even said they were fearful to leave for Alabama because of where I was going, the path that my life was headed down. I was struggling with my feelings and my emotions, I was struggling with being a father, and I was struggling how to grasp the truth of the situation as it unfolded. Being alone in my house did not help one iota, in fact if anything it compounded everything. This continued over the summer and into the fall. I was riding a serious hype train of extreme highs and extreme lows, my friends saw it, my family saw it, but I did not. Looking back at it now, and the things people were saying to me, I was listening but it was truly in one ear out the other. As time marched forward, my thoughts became increasingly dark. I was not me at all, I was a shell of my former self. There was no laughter in my life, there was no joy or happiness. I was just a husk of emptiness, partially filled with a feeling here and there when I was with Zeke. In October of last year, as with Menards, it finally happened that I reached the point where I needed help. I had gone full tilt (the truth of that known to very few and will not be written about), and had a complete breakdown of my reality. Everything came crashing in, everything that I had internalized, that I had tried to shove deep down roared out of me. It was then that I made the smartest, and best decision of my life: I called mom.
On the phone with Mom, I was at a loss for words, but I was able to say a phrase that I should have said back in March, "I need help". Those three words, (I'm tearing up as I write this so bear with me), that phrase, I could not even say it when Dad had passed. I could not say it when the relationship I had with Steph ended. During those times I succumbed to my own inner demon: drinking. I would spend countless nights in the bar, racking up tabs, buying drinks, doing shots, throwing darts, having all the fun so I could escape the abysmal reality which was around me. I drank because it numbed the pain and made life bearable. I drank because it helped me escape from reality, it was easier to drown myself in spirits than it was to face my problems. This time though, things were different. Things were different because of one simple reason, Zeke. My son needed me as much as I needed him. And so I reached out to mom, "I need help" I said to her and "God finally answered my prayers," she replied. By reaching out I did not realize the amazing and drastic change I was about to undertake in my life.
Insert awesome cliffhanger, I'll write the second half of this later. Need a breather to collect my thoughts about Part 2.
As some of you might have noticed, after almost a year of absence I decided to reactivate my social media websites. I decided a year ago that I was going to rid myself of everything that was hurting my growth as an individual. That in turn meant I needed to shut down my Facebook account, which left a lot of people in the dust. The way I handled everything was beyond immature and I see that now, as compared to when I actually did shut it down. A lesson learned, but not forgotten.
For me to be at the point I am now is nothing short of incredible. It is amazing the difference things can make within a year of life. Why do I say this, well because it is the truth. This time last year I was in a downward spiral, heading further into a depression that I honestly saw no end to. Everything I did felt right, yet I knew it was wrong and I had no self control over how I went about my actions. I was so angry, so furious that things occurring all around me were fueling my depression. Mom and Jim had even said they were fearful to leave for Alabama because of where I was going, the path that my life was headed down. I was struggling with my feelings and my emotions, I was struggling with being a father, and I was struggling how to grasp the truth of the situation as it unfolded. Being alone in my house did not help one iota, in fact if anything it compounded everything. This continued over the summer and into the fall. I was riding a serious hype train of extreme highs and extreme lows, my friends saw it, my family saw it, but I did not. Looking back at it now, and the things people were saying to me, I was listening but it was truly in one ear out the other. As time marched forward, my thoughts became increasingly dark. I was not me at all, I was a shell of my former self. There was no laughter in my life, there was no joy or happiness. I was just a husk of emptiness, partially filled with a feeling here and there when I was with Zeke. In October of last year, as with Menards, it finally happened that I reached the point where I needed help. I had gone full tilt (the truth of that known to very few and will not be written about), and had a complete breakdown of my reality. Everything came crashing in, everything that I had internalized, that I had tried to shove deep down roared out of me. It was then that I made the smartest, and best decision of my life: I called mom.
On the phone with Mom, I was at a loss for words, but I was able to say a phrase that I should have said back in March, "I need help". Those three words, (I'm tearing up as I write this so bear with me), that phrase, I could not even say it when Dad had passed. I could not say it when the relationship I had with Steph ended. During those times I succumbed to my own inner demon: drinking. I would spend countless nights in the bar, racking up tabs, buying drinks, doing shots, throwing darts, having all the fun so I could escape the abysmal reality which was around me. I drank because it numbed the pain and made life bearable. I drank because it helped me escape from reality, it was easier to drown myself in spirits than it was to face my problems. This time though, things were different. Things were different because of one simple reason, Zeke. My son needed me as much as I needed him. And so I reached out to mom, "I need help" I said to her and "God finally answered my prayers," she replied. By reaching out I did not realize the amazing and drastic change I was about to undertake in my life.
Insert awesome cliffhanger, I'll write the second half of this later. Need a breather to collect my thoughts about Part 2.
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