Love... (Part 1)[Edited 5/24/16]

     This is the last post of this blog. I am in the process of converting over to a new website. Almost 3 years, 39 posts, and some 2000+ views later, I am ready to move on from this area of my life and on to something new. I will post the new website once I am confident in the setup of it.  This is also the first part of my take on "Love..", there will be a second part which I will be posting in my new blog.

     This post will contain some truths of my life that I have witnessed. I have seen what true love is, and it is something that I am still searching for in my life. We as adults claim to know love, to understand it. We empower the word and at the same time we overuse it and diminish its value, the same applies to the word hate. I once heard a man say that love is the driving force behind all things. I believe this statement. Without love, we can do nothing.

     At 24, I witnessed the true definition of the word love. In October of 2008, I would lose my father to cancer. From his battle and eventual passing I would witness the single greatest act by any one person for another (outside of the Cross) and why I am searching for it in my own life. This memory is hard to write about, and even though it is during a moment of great sorrow this memory does bring me great joy because I was there. It is one of those moments in life that God lets you see, and not just with your own eyes. You see this moment through His eyes, as it was truly meant to be seen.

     I can remember being in the hospital room, watching as this disease known as cancer spread through my father like a wildfire. If there was a word more powerful than aggressive I would use it, but I have yet to find one to truly describe how fast this all occurred. I was there when the tremors in his body first started, how he became lethargic and slowly stopped responding to the doctors, to the nurses, and lastly to my voice. I remember him ordering food, and just looking at what was in front of him and forcing himself to use a spoon just to attempt to eat Jell-O. The tremors were so bad, he couldn't keep his hand steady enough to eat it and just how frustrated and more so than that hurt that he couldn't feed himself. There I was at 24, feeding my father just so he could have some sort of food in his system. There is a quote from Superman that always touches my heart, “The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.” I remember this day vividly, because I could see the pain on my father's face, something I never saw, the man never showed emotion and to see it wrenched my heart. After helping him eat, he just looked out the window towards the VU football field watching the kids outside practice. After this event, his body started giving out. The next morning, we would get advice from an amazing nurse and have him placed in hospice. I remember the ambulance ride to hospice, having to tell the paramedics he needs to be seated up in the gurney to be able to breathe. Getting stopped by a train and hearing the EMT just shout, “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” We arrived at hospice, and had my father placed in his room. That night after everyone had left I stayed with dad. I was in school and at this point didn't care if I missed class or not, this was far more important than any note, test, quiz, or lecture I would have been apart of. As I stayed with him, he spoke for the first time since being in the ambulance. He just said, “I need to get up… I need to go”. He couldn't move on his own due to the tremors, so I pinged the nurse to come help. This little woman no taller than 5' 3” and weighing 120 if soaking wet was trying to hold up a man that had ballooned in weight due to water retention (from his kidneys failing). During this moment is when I would hear my dad say something that would impact my life forever, “I don't want to die...” My father was finally situated and calmed down. The night would eventually turn into morning, but my core had broken. That morning is when I would become a witness to His plans for us as people, to love someone and to be loved in return. The tremors in my dads body were bad. As he laid there, his body failing him, I watched as my mom crawled into bed with him. The tremors stopped immediately, and he held onto my moms hand. In that little moment, I saw time stop. I saw the power that love can have between two people. Two individuals that had been through hell together, through triumph together, that did life together, were right there before my eyes. A man that loved a woman, and a woman that loved a man with a love so powerful to make time stop, and to make pain disappear. The next morning, dad would pass but that moment in time, that gift I was given to bear witness to, will forever be etched into my memory. We as people have the capability to move mountains, we have the capability to heal any and all wounds, and we have the capability to stop time. In that moment, I saw all three things happen at once. That is the true power of love.

     We want to love and to be loved in return. Love is relentless and never ceases. Love is the very thing we all truly fight for. It is the very reason for our existence, it is the core of our being. In the end, love is worth everything. In case someone hasn't told you today: you are amazing, you are beautiful, and you are loved. Good night, and godspeed.

“We can do no great things; only small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4: 16-18

Hillsong United - Relentless

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-13






P.S. The new blog is up and running.  I am still working on getting some kinks out in regards to setup and format.  I look forward to writing more and sharing my thoughts as time marches forward.  Good night and enjoy yourselves!!!

It Goes to 11?!?!

     Last night I was able to make bible study after missing it last week due to starting my new job. (Yay on the new job!!!) My mind was blown Inception style. I was thinking of it all day today, and I just realized my life just hit a new level of awesomeness. I went past 10 and hit 11 and all because I was in fellowship with these amazing men. We started a 19 week course on the book “What God Wishes Christians Knew About Christianity” by Bill Gillham. I have been looking forward to starting this book since it was first brought up a few weeks ago, just because what the men in study have said it has done to their faith and their walk. Well, they weren't far off from the truth because last night just blew open doors in my mind and understanding that I never knew were there. At work today in the man-lift, I was just reflecting over everything that was said last night and I just started laughing because I came to a whole new understanding about things in my life, for the first time I truly feel free.

     The first point I will touch on is something one of the guys said in regards to faith. “Faith is the seed which is planted and then grows into the plant. The fruit that blossoms from this plant are the works.” This statement just really hit home. After ending the series on James, I really understood what this man said. I see it in my life to be honest. I see it in my interactions with friends, family, my coworkers, I really do see it. My faith is just a little sapling right now, waiting to grow into an amazing plant. Even though I am a sapling, I can see the fruit it already wants to bear. The new job serving others, my learning to follow through with the boys (this is going to be a lifelong process which I gladly accept), friends and the men from study just noticing the change in me. To quote Caleb, “everything is awesome!” It truly is! The journey to get to this point has been to Hell and back, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I would not be on this path if these events did not happen in the order that they did, and the awesome thing is I now just laugh about it all. God is so in control, but I had been resisting it, and now I just accept it and go “Lead me!!!” Tying this all together is this: I can do nothing. If I do it, I will fail. It is Christ who lives in me that will accomplish all things. Only Christ can accomplish these things in my life. That one took a while to understand and accept, but once I did, my mind was blown. Once you receive Christ into your heart, that never leaves. You can make choices that turn you away from God, or make you walk away, but sooner or later the Holy Spirit is going to tug at you so hard that you're going to come back. This is evident in my own life, I shied away from the church because of how angry I was at God because of Steph and because of Dad. Mom tried for years to get me to go to Banquet, and she could never get me to go. It took Gary Germann one time, and for me to just look at him and go, “Let's do this!” When Christ is in you, and you accept this, things change drastically. If I do anything, it would be for selfish purposes, for the wrong reasons. When I do things through Christ, asking Christ to guide my decisions, to guide my thoughts, to guide my actions, then I know I am doing it through Him and not me.

     Going off that thought, last night gave me a new understanding to Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.) We were talking about this verse, and how people use it in their prayers. They ask for that little bit extra strength, that little bit extra faith, to give us just that little bit extra so we can overcome a particular burden. It wasn't until the leader of the discussion said this, “You are already equipped with all the strength you need because Christ lives in you, why would you need more if He is alive in you?” Mind blown. That question completely changed my prayers, in fact it changed my entire outlook! I am already equipped with all the strength I will ever need because of Christ living in me, why would I need any more?! In fact, taking this point a little bit further, I came equipped with all the tools I will ever need. God saw to this when he formed me in my mother's womb, when I was on His mind before I was even formed he was preparing the tools I would need for my life. Like I said this changed my prayers entirely, instead of asking for more strength I reached up and asked, “God show me how to tap into the strength you have already given me. Show me and teach me how to equip these tools which you gave to me.” I really felt a difference lifting that up to Him. The question posed also changed my prayers for her as well. They went along the same lines of what I said for myself but they were directed for her, just to show her and teach her how to tap into the strength of Christ that lives inside her. That too felt powerful to say last night.

     Finally, the last point I will touch on from last night is this. For so long the enemy has been knocking me down, just giving me the one two punch every time I wanted to move forward. I was believing the lies that enemy was whispering in my ear. For so long I believed that I was abusive, that I was a manipulator, that I was passive aggressive, that I was hateful, that I was useless and not wanted and not loved. I believed these lies to be true for so long that I accepted them, they became my shackles of bondage. The apostle Paul wrote over sixty times that those who have Christ within them are Saints, and only once did he write that we are sinners. The man who willing went to prison, who was beaten and had his teeth kicked in, and was eventually stoned, said that during his most troubled times when reaching out to the different churches across the land. We are all saints who sometimes sin. This sat in my heart all last night, and during the day today. Then I had my own thought that I shared this afternoon with the man that got me to go to bible study way back in November, I said this to him, “Our choices will lead to either our ascension or permanent detention.” Meaning we can release our thoughts to Christ who lives in us (ascension) or we can let the enemy control those thoughts and keep us in the prison (permanent detention). Pairing the two together something inside me instantly changed. I am not the lies the enemy wants me to believe, I am who Christ says I am. I am righteous and I am justified. I am a saint who sometimes sins. It relies on my choice, believing in Christ, or the lies of the enemy. The choice there is simple, I believe in what Christ says I am and no longer believe the lies of the enemy. Just wrapping my head around this, I could feel the shackles just fracture and fall away from me. I had literally broken free from my bondage. The calluses that were ripped off, the labels that I believed, no longer existed and were replaced with a single word. Saint. Now don't get me wrong, I am and will make  mistakes, it is part of my double-minded nature. Accepting this new label, and understanding it more so than I ever have in the past, I can consciously make choices that are more in line with my belief of Christ living in me than living in the flesh. I can learn to tune into what Christ would have me do than follow the lies of the enemy. When I do slip, I can repent and ask for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father, and learn not to make the same mistake twice.

     Today has been just amazing. On top of all this, I was having a conversation with one of the laborers at the job site today. I said something along the lines of, “I just pray that nothing goes wrong and you guys stay safe.” He just looked at me with this smile like he understood that I pray for them every time we go on the roof, and just responded with “Thanks!” I could honestly feel within myself the tone of the day just improve drastically, it was an awesome feeling. I am looking forward to seeing what other Inception like moments that this book is going to bring, specifically from chapter 6, “That We Are Not Fighting an Inner Civil War.” I will write again in a couple weeks after we have covered this chapter. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. Have a good week everyone!!

     “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

Acts 1:8

Solitude...

      It is very rare that I will have a Friday night alone. Usually I have the boys here and we are doing all sorts of sheningans. Tonight, is one of those rare nights however where I am spending a Friday night alone. I am able to just reflect on the last couple of weeks, and just see how life is finally beginning to set itself right. I've been listening to some powerful music, giving thanks, and listening to the rain outside. There is something about storms that is calming to me. Maybe it is because I am currently in one that I find it so calming. You learn however that the storm was never meant to harm you. This storm of life is meant to change you, transform you even. A rain to wash away the things that torment you, a rain to cleanse your thoughts and learn to find that stable ground which to step. A rain that purifies you. You find that in solitude you do a lot of reflection and thinking. You look at the outside as well as the inside. All I can say things are changing, in one way shape or form they are changing and you just need to look up and take it all in stride, one step at a time. One of my favorite quotes on nights like tonight is, “All is quiet on the eastern front...” You know that tonight is quiet, but tomorrow brings more chaos, but you hold onto the stillness of the night if only for a little while.

     In the last couple weeks, I've been told some amazing things. Things that I never thought would be possible to hear about myself. People were proud of who I am trying to become. A friend telling me he was glad to know me. My mom actually saying it was a delight to have me around and to quote her, “I couldn't always say that about you...” When people say these things to me and about me, it brings actual joy to my heart. For so long I have been fighting a label that I let define me. It has literally torn my psyche apart, and for friends, family, the men in my bible study to look at me and say, “What an awesome change we see in you…” I think back to the last several months of my life, was I really just so isolated that I didn't realize the man I was? Was I really such a horrible person that I would be labeled in such a way? The biggest thing that really hits home is hearing my mentor tell me how proud he is of me. There are two people that I have always wanted to hear that from, one of them never said it even though I was told he was very proud of me (Dad), and the other is her. Hearing someone tell me they are proud of me, it hits in a way I cannot describe, it hits the very core of my being. When my mentor says it to me, its almost as if my Dad is right there in the room saying it. My life has generally been filled with people calling me several nasty things, and eventually you just build up calluses to the things being said of you. You hear them but it doesn't really affect you. However, it took a single word to rip that callus off. Words hurt, more so than I show, but the one thing I have learned about this all is that you just have to stand tall like a mountain. People will onslaught you in ways you never thought imaginable, they will break you down, belittle you, and purposefully drive hate into you just to drive their perception of you home. When I hear my mentor, my family, and the men in my bible study say how proud they are of me, it wipes that slate clean, it makes it easier to take that step forward because I know that I am doing something right not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the Creator.

     I can honestly start to see the change in my life, moving in such a positive direction that I never dreamed imaginable just months ago. I have gotten a new job based on my credentials and without ever having a single interview. This job is allowing me to do something I have always wanted to do, it is allowing me to serve others. Getting thank you emails for working on such an extremely short notice. These things never happen to me, ever. I have had needs met that I did not know how I was going to feasibly accomplish, such as getting a new bed for Zeke or getting a pair of sunglasses that protect my eyes better. The return of laughter in my life, which is really huge to me because I have always had the mentality that if I can make at least one person laugh in a day then I know I have done something right. I've started paying more attention to the daily verse from my bible app, and am enjoying a new devotional each morning to start my day, and also being in constant prayer to keep those communication lines open with the Almighty. All these things are happening in my life that at points it makes my head spin, rarely do positive things occur in my life, and to finally start to see it is really a blessing. It is so easy to just sit in woe, but to truly be thankful and blessed is such a wonderful feeling. The Holy Spirit is moving in ways that I will never understand, but I know that it is for my benefit.

     In my meeting with my counselor on Thursday, I had posed this question, “If what you are fighting for isn't being reciprocated, then what is the point of fighting for it?” She told me to hold on to that thought, and we continued talking. I told her about the turning point, of realizing that being in solitude was never meant to hurt me but for my benefit. Learning to accept the flames of change instead of resisting them. I told her of the new job, of how people were saying these things I have rarely heard in my life, how they were proud of me, how they see an awesome change in me, how they see the laughter and joy coming back into my life. She responded in kind with, “These people aren't seeing you, they are starting to see the fruit of the spirit within you.” If you had told me months ago that this is what would be happening, I would have said, “bullshit.” I see it now. Before we returned to my question, the discussion with my counselor had shifted a little bit during our session. I told her how I had actually prayed with my mom, and how it felt truly powerful. For thirty something years this woman has poured her heart over me, even at the darkest of times in my life, and the one time I actually do pray with her my mom responds with, “I felt something amazing happen, something that I would never expect. Just wow… you are my beloved son, and you are changing. Just let God guide you, he will show you the way..” I continued talking to my counselor and I just said, “There are things that I do and I have no idea why I do them but I know somehow it is the right thing to do. Praying for her and the boys, being called to love her, being called to pursue patience, this is all beyond my realm of understanding but I know somewhere deep down it is the right thing to do.” It is true, I do these things and have no idea why I do them, but I just know that it is right. We returned to my question that I had posed to her earlier. “I want you to open your bible every time you think of that question. Your answer will be given in different ways, but search the Word and your answer will become apparent.” The session ended, I had a new assignment (thanks to her reading me Psalm 69) but the question still remained. This morning when I woke up, the question popped in my head again, immediately after I got an email from my mom. She had put a quote in the email, “Never underestimate the power of love and never underestimate the power of forgiveness.” Love and forgiveness. Once again out of my realm of understanding but I am called to love her, and to forgive her. To be honest it is a daunting task to look at her and think, “our slate is clean,” but I do. In regards to the love, well it is just something you do, regardless of how they may act towards you, how they may speak of you or to you, you just love them because that is all you can do. In reality you may be the only person that does, and regardless of what happens you know it is the right thing to do, even if you don't exactly understand why.

     It has taken time, but things are moving forward. The hardest part is not to get ahead of myself, just learn to take everything one step at a time. Pursue patience, put my trust in God, love, and forgive. Things we should all strive to do in our daily lives. Good night everyone.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

     and lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways submit to Him,

     and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3: 5-6

The Impossible Door...

     Imagine yourself, it is a summer's night. You see the lightening bugs flying around you, the sweet crisp smell of summer is in the air. There is a slight gust, a nice cool night. A night that makes you want to wear a hoodie and shorts. In the distance you can hear kids laughing and playing in the night. The street is illuminated with the dim glow of the street light from on the corner and from the full moon above you. You are sitting on a door step, the light behind you is on but the door is closed. You have been sitting at this doorstep waiting for the door to open, but somehow you know it doesn't but you still wait with hope that it does. Across the way is another house, the light has just been turned on. You become curious as to what is going on, but you still decide that you want to wait and see what happens. You are constantly looking both ways, behind you at the door that is closed, and forward to the door that has recently just opened. A familiar face peers out of the door across from you. The voice just calls out to you, but you just respond with “no thanks.. not tonight.” The person gives you that discouraged look but is always approving of everything and thinks nothing of it. It sits in the back of your mind, “maybe I should go over there… but.. what if this door opens...” You continue to sit on the door step, waiting, hoping but knowing the answer already. This door shut a long time ago, but you still fight the urge to want to leave that door step because someone had once told you something so intimate that you held on to it, you refused to let it out of your heart and that is why you stay at that door step. However, that curiosity still is building in you, the want to see what is behind that other door. Again, the familiar face opens the door and calls out to you. You still respond, “not tonight… I'll think I'll just wait right here..” Once again discouraged but accepting of your answer the person calls out to you again, “are you going to sit there all night?” You hear their words, but you don't know how exactly to respond. Are you going to sit here all night? Is this what you want to do? Thoughts and questions keep bouncing in the space between your ears. Before you know it, you look up and the person is standing right in front of you. They look at you, just this grin on their face that says they know something you don't. You become a little aggravated with them. Why do they keep wanting me to come over? The person looks at you, looks up at the door, and then looks back to you. “You know that door has been shut all this time yet here you are, just waiting. What are you waiting for?” The words hit you in a way you would not have expected, in a good way making your heart flutter a bit. This person knows how exactly to reach you even though you never would have thought they would be able to. “Look, you can sit here all night. Honestly I wouldn't blame you, but there is more to life than just waiting. Trust me, come over. Or you can just sit here, and well just wait. Your choice my man, but my door is always open you just need to make the choice.” The familiar figure looks down to you again, looks up at the door you are waiting for, and just smiles. “Well, like I said, my door is always open. I hope to see you soon.” The person spins on their heels, and walks back across the street. You become aware of the bugs, the sweet crisp summer air, the kids in the distance, you become aware of it all again. It hits you, but in that good way, the way that makes you want to take action. What are you waiting for? As you stand up, you dust off your shorts and look behind you. The door remains closed, but the front porch light still remains on. You take notice of the door, the intricacies of it, the memories of going in and out of this door. The good, the bad, the feelings, the memories, all of it. You smile. Somehow, someway you know that this door opens again, but for now you are done waiting. You stretch your arms for a quick second, and just look up at the full moon. Once again you take it all in, your surroundings, your environment, you soak it all up because you know everything is about to change in ways you would never imagine. You finally start walking across the street. Every couple of steps, you glance back, but you know that door still remains closed. You cross the sidewalk, and slowly walk up the set of steps in front of this new door. You ring the doorbell, and as you do you look back one last time. There is a part of you that wants that door you just left to open again. You look at where you had been sitting all this time, such a long time to be sitting in the same spot, but you feel it was worth waiting in that spot. You close your eyes, and just soak it all in for one last time. The sounds, the smells, the sights, the ambience of it all, you just absorb it, and as you do this grin just slowly comes across your face. You'll be back, you don't know how you know but you just know you will. As your grin morphs into a smile, you open your eyes. The door behind you is still closed, but you still smile, because the door in front of you has opened. That familiar person is just waiting and smiling at you, “I knew you'd come..” You just look at the them and say, “I didn't.. but it was time..” You smile, and walk through that door which you had been reluctant to pass through. The door where behind it you have no idea where it leads, but somehow you know everything is going to be alright. You pass through the Impossible Door.

     There is a turning point in our lives, when we realize that the thing we have resisted, the thing we have been hesitant about is the exact thing that we need. You realize that you are not in solitude for a bad reason. In this fortress of solitude, you begin to learn about yourself. Who you are, who you were, and who you want to become. You learn to draw upon the things that will define you for the rest of your life. You realize that you have been fighting yourself for so long that when you learn to accept the world as it is, the prison your mind has been trapped in becomes unlocked. You open the door of the cell you have erected around yourself, and step out of your thoughts and learn to focus on more important things. You realize that you were never meant to fight this battle, let alone this war. This war has already been fought, and won. This solitude you are in, you accept it not because you have to but because you want to. You look back at where you started, and how far you have come. Then you look forward, and see how far you have yet to go, but it does not frighten you anymore. Everything is already taken care of, all your answers are waiting ahead of you, it is just that you need to learn to wait for them. You learn to pursue patience rather than just standing still. You take each day, one step at a time, but knowing that you are moving forward from where it was that you have come from. The man who you were, that man is the past. The man you are becoming, that is who you are now. You learn that the things you thought you were supposed to be fighting for, were never yours to fight for. It becomes clear, if the what you are fighting for isn't being reciprocated, then why do you fight? If what you want out of life isn't a shared thought, then why chase that thought? I have resisted change for so long that, I just was stuck in the mud spinning my tires. It took one of the men from my bible study to kick start all of this, and it was a simple as being at lunch and hearing him say to me, “Dude, I see an awesome change in you… Mitch, I'm glad I know you.” You learn to embrace the flames, instead of resisting them. You learn to accept the world around you. You learn that you have changed, but it is not a complete process yet because there is more yet to come but what is coming ahead of you is for your benefit. I have toiled and struggled. I have self destructed, but I have started to overcome. I look in the mirror, and it finally becomes clear the man I want to be, the man God intended me to be. For the first time in months, I can say that I truly am starting to find joy, not just happiness, but joy in my heart. Mother's Day is when I realized this. Being around family, I had not truly laughed in over 6 months, but Sunday it came all rushing back. I am starting to feel the change, to feel myself become the man I am meant to be. I am starting to see the blessing in all of this, and it feels great. Just when all the pieces seem to be falling apart, is when you realize they are falling together. I know what I want from life, I know what I am willing to fight for, and who I am willing to fight for. As I cross this threshold of the impossible door, I look back but just smile. Things change, people change, and regardless of what happens I just know everything is going to be alright. The heart knows where it belongs, you just have to take it one step at a time. Where there is hope there is faith, and where there is faith miracles happen. In the end if you don't have faith, what do you have? Normally I end these with a quote from scripture but I'm going to use part of a poem from Robert Frost. Good night and God bless.

     Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

     I took the one less traveled by, 

     And that has made all the difference.

Tectonic Shifts...

     This weekend was probably one of the roughest weekends that I have had to go into.  This weekend was Banquet.  I was a table leader for an amazing group of men who I could see a fire lit in them that was not there before.  I hope that this fire continues to burn ever so bright within them, and that they continue to pursue their new found passion in Christ.

     Leading up to the Banquet I had events happen in my life that I can only explain as the Holy Spirit moving within me and the world around me.  Last Sunday I was dead asleep, when I was woken up by a voice that just said "Yes." I tried to describe as best as I could what this voice sounded like.  The best description I came up with was something similar to a distant thunder.  A low rumble that just resonated within my chest.  The next words out of my mouth as I was sitting in my bed were, "What would you have me do?"  I was responded once again within my chest, "Wait...."  God answered, but I did not know what that answer meant.  Later that afternoon, I would feel something shift in my heart.  This time, it didn't feel like connections were being cut.  I had had this feeling back in Janurary I believe, it felt like I was having a serious heart attack because I could just feel the ties to her being hacked away.  Unlike that time however, this time was different.  My heart shifted entirely, but it felt as if something that wasn't there before is now there.  Monday I met with my counsleor, and in my hand during the meeting was the letter she wrote me when we had gone through Banquet together.  As I read the letter out loud, this time I could feel chills going up my spine reading the words and scripture she had accompanied with it.  I knew God was listening in.  This work week was pretty intense, almost to the point I thought i was going to have to miss Banquet.  I knew deep down however God was going to get me there, because I still had the question inside my heart, "What would you have me do?".  That question was answered this weekend.  It was answered with 3 answers.

      The first answer came after a ceremony during Saturday services.  Dying moments.  As we lined up to take communion we are told to give away my dying moment.  The last time I had been through this it was letting go of the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I had endured while watching Dad get taken from me because of cancer.  This time around, my dying moment was forgiving myself for failing in my relationship with her, for failing in the relationship with the boys.  I took the bread, placed it in the basket, and then went and returned to my seat.  Once again the question popped in my chest, "What would you have me do?" Once again it was just responded with, "Wait..."  This is where I would learn my prayer from Pastor Bob Jennings.  Prayer number one: for patience, and that Christ equip me to experience his glory during this time of patience.

     The second answer came to me as I was driving home from Banquet.  In the Banquet community we believe that there are no such things as coincidences, only small miracles.  In Bible Study the last few months we have been studying the book of James.  That we are to follow through with our actions (Say/Do) and to not live a double minded life, but a life dedicated to Christ.  For this Banquet, I was the table leader for the table of James.  Prayer number two: Christ give me the ability to follow through with my actions.

      The third answer, and the most important one I learned came during one of the talks.  One of the men was giving his talk, and something he said resonated within me, just stirred me.  The line that I heard was this, "Love is the driving force behind all things."  After hearing this, I also would understand the true meaning behind 1 Corinthians 13.  There it was, my third answer.  This was later confirmed when one of the members from my table took me aside, and said to me "Mitch, I can see the sadness behind your eyes.  What's up?"  I ended up pouring my heart out to this man.  My failures of the relationship with her and the boys.  My isolation.  My anger towards God.  All of it.  As he listened and I listened to his story as well, he would say something that once again would resonate deep with in my chest.  "Pray for her.  Discern your prayer though.  God knows the desires of your heart already.  Pray for her soul though, because that will show compassion to Christ and it will speak volumes and change everything."  I love her, with every fiber that is my being I do.  I will always love her.  As a disciple, I am also called to love her even if it will cause me great suffering.  I know that she loves another man.  Even though it hurts writing that statement, I have accepted it.  It took a while, but I accept it.  I see her, I see her better than she would like to admit to me, but I do see her.  I see a woman who is angry at God, who has questions about her purpose, and about herself.  I see a flame that was so brightly lit, now just a dwindling ember waiting to be reignited.  After talking to Gary Germann this evening I asked how I should pray for her.  He said this, "Sozo is the Greek word for save.  In the bible, sozo means to be healed.  This is the prayer I said for my son Matt, 'Lord, please save my son Matt.'  Mitchell, I was in continuous prayer with Christ saying those words.  Miracles happen, look at Matt."  Prayer Number Three:  Lord, please save Emily.

     As the weekend has ended I am reminded of the conversation I had Saturday night with a member from my table.  "Christ has all the answers.  You can choose to try and fix things yourself, and we both know that will implode or you can take the door with the question mark.  The impossible door."  That was kind of a little hint from Christ because in my letters I would receive two note cards for my Mom.  The first card I read said this, "For nothing is impossible with God.  Luke 1:37" and the second card read this, "For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'  Jeremiah 29:11".

     I have been called by God to be a disciple.  I have been called to pray for patience, and to be equipped with the power of Christ in everything that I do.  I have been called to follow through on my actions, and to live a life fully committed to Christ.  Lastly, I have been called to love her and to pray for her.  God has told me to love this woman and so I shall.  There will be suffering, but Christ will take care of me.  I still believe something good and positive is still yet to come between her and I, So I wait for the day our paths cross again or until God provides me with someone else.  And I will not cease in prayer, for her and the boys.   I do not know when I will write again, but this weekend planted a seed that I am going to nurture for the rest of my life.   Good night, God bless.


DeColores.

Wars We Wage..

     I'll admit that I haven't been to church in the last two weeks. The motivation was not there. I wanted to go, but instead I found myself catching up on sleep instead. I am disappointed in myself for choosing sleep over hearing the word. His word is all I really have right now, and I failed to live up to my part of seeking him out. Today however I did go, brought the boys with me as well, and I'm glad I did. The sermon series for the next few weeks is titled “Relationship Restart.” I had to chuckle a little bit, seems God wants me to learn more when it comes to entering my next relationship.

     Listening to pastor speak this morning, and the music to go with the sermon just brought warmth to my heart. I have felt lost, almost distant from everything going on in my life for quite some time now. This morning I felt like I was becoming grounded again, grounded in his word. I look at the sermon notes, and I just see guidelines for how to establish and be part of an incredible relationship. Not only with God, but with my future spouse. Things that I know of, but rarely knew how to do. Some would think they would be the fundamentals of any relationship we are in, however sometimes we forget the fundamentals or just ignore them. I thought I knew how to have an adult relationship, a relationship founded first in Christ. Clearly, that isn't the case because if it was well I wouldn't be single. One phrase that stood out from the sermon notes is this, “You will drift away from each other if you are not pursuing one another.” How true does this statement ring. When you stop pursuing your partner, things become stagnant. An almost atrophy state starts to ensue, and those things that originally brought you and your loved one together no longer hold that same appeal. I see now from my past where things would go stale, I would be content but I wouldn't pursue. A lesson learned for the future. “If our relationships are going to be different than that of the rest of the world we have to do something different.” Another note that stands out in my mind. On the sermon notes, 1 Corinthians 13 is the bible verse that accompanies this note. This is chapter is the definition of love. Plain and simple. This chapter just resonates in my heart, because I understand it but I do not know how to follow through with it. Realizing this, is why I understand I am in currently being reforged. Once I understand this, once I am able and ready to follow through with this, then I will be out of the fire.

     I know that I am not even close to coming out of the fire because of something that happened tonight. Tonight I went to the gas station to fill up the Explorer. I saw her. I saw her with him. There are things in this world you think you are prepared for, that you can tell yourself over and over that everything will be alright no matter what happens. I was not prepared for this, not even remotely. I faltered in my trust of God, and my anger came roaring back. The sad thing is I didn't even stop myself from lashing out, I just let it happen. Everything that I have been trying to fight against, trying to change about myself, it all completely evaporated in the matter of 10 seconds. I would say it was my anxiety, but it wasn't. This was my anger. As I looked at my phone I could feel the anger seething from me. Two steps forward one step back. Here I am spouting my trust in God, talking about reading his word and trying to follow through on it, and the minute I see her with someone else it just disappears. Where I thought I was in his plan in relation to where I actually am are two different places. This also teaches me something else, if I'm still getting angry, I still have feelings. If I still have feelings, then there is no way I can possibly start dating yet. Until I can overcome these feelings, these emotions, I am of no benefit to any one and to say that I am would be a blatant lie. As my counselor said on Thursday, “You are in a transition. If you were to be with someone right now they would only know you as you are. That person may or may not accept who you are when you emerge from this period in your life.”

     The harsh reality of all this, is that I let something like this affect me in a way that I should not have. I should have just armored up. That is something that is easier said than done. The wound is still raw, but it is not festering inside me as it once was. What was torn from me is healing, but this was just another example of having the scab ripped off. More healing is needed to truly overcome the wound I have sustained. I am going to have a scar, a deep scar at that. However, it will be a lesson learned, that I need to learn to take things in his time and not mine else that wound will continuously be reopened again and again. I still have questions that I ask God, “what is it that I am fighting for?”, “who is it that I am fighting for?”, “when will I be ready?”, “how do I turn my sorrow into something great?”, “does this change?” and the big question, “what would you have me do?” I still have a lot of growth and healing that I need to experience. I still have a lot of lessons that I need to learn before God will put the woman who is going to be my spouse in my life. It's as my counselor says, “God will keep placing objects in your path. Think of it as refining your search. You can take what is shown to you right now and walk away with it. Or you can wait and trust in him to keep reforging you and then at the right time, he will give you the woman that will be your counterpart in life. The woman that will have an even yoke on you, as well as in Christ. That choice will have to be yours to make, but the Lord already knows your answer. He will do what is needed to make it happen, you just need to believe and trust in that.” I'll trust in him on this one, I've already seen what I am able to do and that outcome isn't good at all. I'll let God steer for a while and I'll ride shotgun.

More Sermon Notes:

Having a great relationship is not about what I say, but rather what I sow. (Galatians 6 as reference).

The best things take time.

Be as patient with your spouse as God is with you.

Anything worth having is worth working for.

The wicked flee though no one pursues,

     but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Proverbs 28:1

Learning to Surrender...

     This post comes in lieu of what I tried to do Sunday. It is also something my counselor (as well as my Mom) have been trying to get me to do over the last several months in regards to my thoughts. There are times through out the day that randomly, things just pop into my head. Memories, joyful thoughts, angry thoughts, sad thoughts, all revolving around her. It is like my brain is going, “Hey remember this, well ya do now. Think over it the next few minutes...” As much as I would like it to not happen, it does. It also happens at night, generally right as I am laying down to get what little sleep I am able to. I don't like thinking about things, because when I do my ADD goes ham and sends my brain on a wild roller coaster ride that I have been trying to get off of since December. The brain fires up, and the heart soon follows, once again letting emotions get the best of me. Letting them run rampant, fueling my anxiety and depression which keeps me up late at night because I become extremely restless. I like sleep, and right now sleep is the only time where I am not in pain. The thing my counselor has been trying to get me to do is compartmentalize my thoughts. To give them to God, store them away, and move on with my daily business (or fall asleep if I am in bed).

     “You need to learn what I did with your father. Take your thoughts and build a beautiful box in you mind for them. When you have them, open that box and store them away. Then give that box up to God, give her up to God and ask him to take this away for the time being.” This is what my Mom has said in regards to my thoughts. My counselor has said the same thing, just different wording. My counselor has also suggested that when this happens, to go search his word. Just lay the bible out and see where it takes you, because one way or another something is going to hit home at the right time. This leads me to what I said on Sunday. Sunday was rough, my anxiety was in full swing. I just wanted to find a way to get rid of my thoughts, to get rid of my feelings. I thought of the letters, the words she had written on those pages. I was so filled with emotions, that I let them control me. I was being attacked by the enemy and it had won this battle. Sunday night as I was outside holding the letters in one hand and a lighter in the other, something within me just said “Don't.” I couldn't do it, I couldn't burn the letters for whatever reason. I did not read them, but I just stared at them and put them in the back of the basement again. Today I asked my Mom about it, “Why couldn't I do it? I wanted to, but I couldn't.” Her response, “Of course you couldn't. Those letters are not meant to be thrown away. They are to be cherished, regardless of the situation. Like I have said before, put those letters in a beautiful box, and just give the box up to God. He will take care of you, he will take care of Emily. I am praying constantly for the both of you, but for now you must hand the box over to the Almighty and let him do his work in both your lives.” She understands more from the source than I do.

     Today, like I had stated earlier my thoughts and emotions ran wild again during work. After what I went through on Sunday, I decided to listen to my counselor's advice. I do not have a bible at work, but I do have the bible app on my phone. So as if I was reading the pages in hand, I picked a random book and started reading. I first landed in Malachi. I was reading and just nothing was hitting home, nothing was sinking in like I thought it would. I told myself, one more time then back to work. Once again, picked a random book, random chapter, random verse. Hosea Chapter 3 verse 3, Hosea's Reconciliation With His Wife. I sat just there and looked at my phone. Really?! REALLY?! God has a weird sense of humor. Once again back on the emotional roller coaster. “You need to learn to surrender. Give it all to God. Right now the enemy is attacking where you have the most sorrow, and that is the boys and that is Emily. Pray for discernment, ask God to lift the veil from your eyes so you can be shown the way.” This is what my Mom said to me in regards to these last couple days. Learning to surrender it all has proven to be extremely difficult. There have been many of night spent in my War Room giving her and the boys over to God, asking for his wisdom in all this. Still, I am finding myself being thrown into a loop. The emotional roller coaster I am trying to get off of, apparently needs to go around a couple more times. “Ask God to weave your sorrow into something great in your life,” is part of a prayer my Mom is sending me. She read me the whole thing earlier, and it is going to become part of my daily prayer routine. Right now, I need some serious discernment in my life. I need to ask for his guidance in all this because for the first time in a long time, I am having trouble finding a direction forward. What I thought where just hills and valleys have suddenly become mountains and canyons again. I need to shield myself, and ask for direction. What is it am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to follow through? Am I to wait, or start searching? How do I weave my sorrow into something great? These questions plus more are all floating through my head. “God will find a way to open the door. Just don't put your hopes up for it. If it does happen it will be in his time.” once again words from my Mom. Praying for patience, and that the veil be lifted from my eyes to discern his plan for me. And to trust that his plan for my life is all unfolding in his time, not mine.

     Lastly, today I was shown grace. I went to the hospital today to try and get my bills from all the testing I have had done consolidated so that I would only be making one payment. As I was talking to the woman, she was reviewing my accounts. Thousands of dollars in medical bills I thought I needed to pay, were dwindled down to just under 300 dollars. Yeah, you read that right. I about fell out of my chair when she told me this. As my counselor has said, “You are seated right in front of the throne and God is listening to you. Keep praying, keep lifting Emily up, keep lifting the boys up, lift all those around you up and God will show you the way.” God showed me grace today. I need to reflect that on those around me.

     So here I am, on a roller coaster. Here I am asking for discernment of thoughts and feelings. Here I am reflecting on his word, and how things can change with in a very short time. Here I am experiencing his amazing grace. Here I am, wondering what is it that I am to do next? Here I am asking the creator of the universe, “What would you have me do?”

“I will restore to you the years

     that the swarming locust has eaten,”

Joel 2:25

Erasing Memories..

      Over the last several months, I have been saying that I am in the fire to be reforged, to become the man God has intended me to become. Last night, I had a thought in regards to this. What being reforged really means to me. I feel now I have an understanding to this. There is a part of me that hasn't truly been able to adjust, a part of me that has been afraid of what lies ahead. So easily it has looked ahead and then immediately grasped on to the chain of the past. I realize now what it is that binds me. I understand now that in order to see the future, the past must be purged. This is what is going on in my life right now. The fire that I am in is purging me, stripping away the layers of anger, hate, jealousy, and envy. It is taking away all of those feelings, and creating a new ground in which to sow a better seed. There has been in void in my life for what seems like ages. That void is where my sadness comes from, the anger, and the fear. I have had this void before, but in the past I have tried filling it with drink, women, or games. This fire is preventing that, for the first time in my life instead of escaping my feelings, escaping the void, I am learning to face them. “When you have these feelings of sadness and fear, I want you to find what triggered it. Then I want you to go into the word, just start reading. I guarantee you, his word will become vibrant and fill you in ways that you won't believe,” was something my counselor said in regards to this. To look directly into the void, and fill it with Him.

      “You must face your sadness and your fear, only then will you be able to heal from this. Filling the void with people or things is only going to be temporary. Those feelings will come back. Learn to trust in Him, learn to let his word guide you. You can overcome this. Trust in God's timing not our own, his plan for all of us is on a grander scale.” One of the things my counselor has wanting me to practice is facing these feelings. That when I do get overwhelmed to rush to his word. There are times when it is easy to do. Other times, I do find myself seeking a distraction from the feelings. A way to escape what it is that I am feeling at that moment in time. She is having me fill myself with the word, to have these feelings taken away by the Lord Almighty. I am told this is to strengthen who it is that I am. By doing this, I am learning how to overcome my fears. Something that I have never really been able to do. There are times when I do feel like I am still picking up the pieces to a shattered life, but I know the more I seek his word, the easier it becomes to pick up the pieces. To fill myself with Him will be the only way I will come out of the fire.

      “You are looking back, don't look back. That part of you is dead. That relationship is dead. Everything that was you has died and was taken away when Christ died on the cross. The old man is dead, the new man lives.” Once again more words that have stuck out from my sessions with my counselor. Here I sit in the fire, watching the things I once held dear get purged from my being. The feelings that I once had are being erased. The memories that were once vibrant and joyful remain, but have become faded with time. The man that loved her is gone. The woman that loved me is gone. This is where accepting, and adapting has been the hardest part. For so long I did not want to accept it, I did not want to believe it but as time marches forward the more I realize it. There are two things that I kept hidden away after everything happened. I realize now I should not have kept them at all. Simple things really but meant the world to me at the time. Two letters reside in my basement, one which she gave to me on Valentine's Day and her letter to me when I first attended Banquet. I kept them because they were hand written, and very personal. The problem was that they were written to the “old man”, the man that no longer exists. The words are forever written on my mind, but I know they no longer hold any merit. That relationship is dead. And like the fire that surrounds me, by fire these letters will be burned. Maybe this will finally bring closure for myself, and allow my heart to move forward.

     Even though the struggle bus is real, it does get easier. Time is no longer at a stand still, it has been slowly moving forward. Each day that passes I learn something from his word to apply to my life. A life of Christian Action is what I want to live. I have no need for booze or for the games, my time is better spent serving others or in his word. I know one day I will be rewarded for the sacrifices I have and continue to make, but I don't make them for my glory. Everything I do is for his glory alone. God will guide me and I will be given understanding of his will in my life. People always say, “God doesn't given us what we can't handle..” or “Everything is in preparation for something he has already planned for you..” Well, he must think I can handle a whole lot, and is preparing me for something incredible to happen. The best thing I can do, is pray and give thanks for all that God does in my life.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13

Misfits Who Became Kings...

     This post has been sitting on my heart for quite a while now. Things in my life have started shifting again. Even though there have been some positive steps forward, I still feel as if I am in the flames, being reforged in his image. That something is bringing back into the fire, telling me that I am not done with his shaping of my life. God is constantly at work in my life, both in front of the curtain and behind the scenes, I just have to trust in this path that has been tailored made for my life and follow where ever it may lead.

     I started Fight Club. In Fight Club we are starting to read a book called “When Misfits Become Kings: Unlock Your Future Through Intimacy With God”. The first chapter of the book had me hooked immediately. The chapter starts off with “Many are called, but few are chosen.” (Matt 24:14 MEV). The first few paragraphs talk about how this verse is constantly misunderstood. People use this verse to rationalize their role in the kingdom. Saying that the chosen are “the men and women out in front, the people we remember most” and the called are second rate, people not to be remembered but still have an effect. The actual translation from the Greek for this passage is “Many are called, but few choose to accept the call.” The chapter goes into more detail about being “called”. The story of John the Baptist is the first example. He was the son of a great preacher, but his “calling” would not be to preach in the temple but in the “wilderness”. Only after communing with God, did John accept his “calling”, however his choice branded him a “misfit” among his peers. However it was John's choice that did not make him a misfit, but made him a “king” instead. He accepted the higher calling, trusting completely in the Lord to guide his ways. The other example in this chapter was of David. The back story to David is interesting. His father Jesse wanted another child not with his wife Nitzevet (whom he had cast away) but with her maidservant. Seeing what the many years of separation had done to Nitzevet, the maidservant came up with a plan to switch places with Nitzevet so she could be with Jesse. Nitzevet conceived David. David became the black sheep of his family because of this. This “misfit” was placed in the fields as a shepard. There he would hone his skills of using a stone and sling to thwart off wolves from the flock. It wasn't until Saul called upon David, poured the anointed oil over his head would David become a “King”, becoming filled with the Spirit of the Lord.

     After reading the chapter, I began to ponder about the path that I have taken up to this point. A lot of the things I have done in my life have most certainly labeled me a “misfit” to my family. Tattoos, alcoholism, a child before marriage, just to name a few. However, there is a reason why I am here at this given point in time. The gifts and abilities God has granted me placed me here for a reason. There are no accidents when it comes to God's plan for our lives. God places us exactly where we need to be, we just may not see the entirety of the plan but through guidance from the Almighty that plan is revealed to us over the course of our lives. I'm starting to realize where it is that I fit into the grand scheme of things, but I know this is not permanent. God's plan for my life is on a grander scale, something I firmly believe. Everything that I am involved in is God's plan for my life, to reforge me into the man I was destined to become. Fight Club, Banquet, Bible Study, my counseling sessions, my mentor meetings, work, doctor's appointments, my time with Caleb and Zeke, everything is shaping me to glorify him in all that I do. Right now, my path is trusting in God to lead me where it is that I am to go. The biggest part of this is learning to follow through, that if I say something I am going to do it. The biggest impact to this is with the boys, and it impacts their mother as well. Months ago I wouldn't have understood this concept, being in isolation you forget what it is that you truly are meant for. Now I am slowly understanding how I fit in with all this. My role is that of a father. To encourage the boys in all that they do, to support them in all that they do, to guide them as best as I am physically able to, and to follow through on the plans we set up. A major part to this is just giving them my undivided attention. That when they are here on the weekend, they are my main focus. This is why I make a list every weekend for the upcoming weekend, be it playing games, watching movies, or creating projects, that list is there to show them I want to be involved. That I want the focus of the time I have to be solely for them. The other role I am slowly understanding is how to be supportive. This one is a lesson harshly learned, but this is how God wanted me to learn it so I adapt to his plan and accept all that lies ahead good or bad. With the boys it is to encourage them in all their activities such as building Legos, playing video games, creating simple projects, and more importantly to pray with them. Show them and teach them that they can trust in the Lord in all that they do. With her, it is helping out monetarily with support the best I am able to. It is letting her know that I am willing to give up my time and energy to help her out in whatever way I can, whatever way she is willing to let me. She may not want my time, but it is there if she needs it. And to pray for her, to lift her (and the boys as well) up to God every night giving thanks and praise for being apart of their lives. That might not mean much to some, but to me it means everything.

     Wrapped up in this package of learning to be supportive is understanding how to unconditionally love someone. It is still a hard concept to grasp, but the more time passes the more it is revealed to me of how to follow through on this idea. It is more than just “you just do it”. With everything that is circling both her and myself, regardless of the situation I am going to put her and the boys before myself, something that has taken me months to learn and it will take years to master. My time isn't just my time, it is also their time as well. Right now that means being the weekend warrior dad to the boys to give her, her brother, and her parents a break. It means making myself available to her if needed. Regardless of what happens between us, she will always have that agape form of love from me. Which means I hold no grudges, I hold no anger or hate, and that I have and will always forgive her. That our slate is and always will be clean. Friends and family alike have said that I am insane for thinking this way, for feeling this way. We put ourselves through the ringer, but I still have my belief that something good if not great and positive will come from all of this. I'm not saying that we will be together. She does not want me in her life in that way. What I am saying is that going forward, there is no reason for her not to have this from me. To live a life of Christian Action, I give her that unconditional love. I wrote about it years ago in a previous post, and it is something that I am still learning to this day. I was put in her life, the boys lives for a reason, and right now that reason is to be supportive and the weekend warrior father. To give them everything that I can, in whatever way I can, in whatever way she is willing to let me be part of her life and the boys as well. Above all this is to do it not for myself, but to glorify God in everything that I am able to give to her and the boys. I do know that things change, feelings change, people change, and that God makes the impossible possible. Only she can make the decision of how I am ultimately going to be in her life. Right now however, that is not my focus. My focus is being as supportive as much as I am capable of, and to be Dad. Everything else will happen, if it does happen, in his time and not mine. Until then I follow where I am led. I trust in his path for my life, and ask for the patience to understand his will for myself.

As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, He said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not be afraid, only believe.”

Mark 5:36 (MEV)

P.S.  Do not take this as I do not get much time with the boys.  I get an amazing amount of time with the boys.  It is a blessing every moment that I am able to spend with Caleb and Zeke.  

Iron Sharpens Iron

      Today was an awesome day all around. This morning even though I woke up late I was able to make it to the conference on time, even if I did have to haul driving there. This conference was just what I needed in my life right now. With the doctor's appointments, and getting testing scheduled it helped me find grounding in where it is in my faith. I was surrounded by other men searching for things similar to what I am. I enjoyed being there with my bible study group and taking part in the seminars, and then to come home and get the boys. This day has just been great.

      The first seminar I went to was on Fight Club. The man who created Fight Club, Jim Brown, was speaking. It was awesome hearing this man speak. He had a presence that could just grab you. One of the things that stood out from his seminar was this, “Grab the man, you grab the family. If you grab the family you grab the community. If you grab the community your grab the world.” Jim Brown spoke at length at how Fight Club transforms the lives of men. “Men are in a spiritual atrophy right now. We have lost what it means to be a “man” in society today. Fight Club helps reignite that flame within our chest,” this is something that Jim said during his seminar. Hearing this man speak, he just grabbed my attention the entire seminar. During the question and answer session after the seminar, some questions just popped in my head. “Why do I fight? Who am I fighting for?” I started a chapter of Fight Club recently. I remember when I tried to do it in the Fall, and I didn't take it seriously. I just removed myself from that Chapter because of my attitude towards it. Finding about this new Chapter, I was on the fence about it. I didn't know if I really wanted to participate or not. God thought otherwise, and made my decision for me. One of the men from my bible study called me and asked me to do Fight Club with him. Things are different this time around. The questions I asked, I answered after the seminar. I fight for my family. Caleb and Zeke, Morgen and Kelly, Mom and Jim, and her to an extent. I fight for them because it is what I need to do. I fight for them because they need me to fight for them, to become the best version of myself that I can be. Fight Club is going to work on 4 aspects of my life: Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical, and Relational. Each week I am given assignments in all these areas to carry out and complete else I get a strike. 3 strikes and I am out of the program. Going through it this time however, I have more drive than I did in the Fall. I want to complete Fight Club. I want to be at that graduation ceremony and have my family there with me standing proud of who I am trying to become. I want to complete it for them, but more importantly I want to complete it for myself. I want to complete it because I truly want to transform my life, to become the man I was meant to become.

      The second seminar I heard was former NFL quarterback Jeff Kemp. His seminar was on building the Ultimate team. A seminar on marriage. He stated in the beginning of his seminar that not only is this for married, but it was for single and divorced men as well. “When it comes to our relationship with our wives, are we being consumers or investors?” That caught my attention almost immediately. I found myself listening very intently to what this man was saying. He was using concepts from economics to describe how to strengthen our relationship with our loved one. The “consumer” mentality is where we take, and take, and take. “Being a consumer in a relationship is coming home expecting dinner to be waiting, to just sit around watching ESPN for a little bit before getting that intimacy we think we deserve. The problem, that entire time we were with our wife, we were being consumers and not investors. Did you thank her for the meal? Did you help clean up after the meal or take care of the kids? Women have this tank full of their love towards us as their husbands, and if we consume more than we invest that tank runs on empty. “ As he continued the train of thought I found myself examining who I was when it came to being and investor or consumer. For so long I thought I was investing in my relationships, but in actuality there were a lot of times where I was consuming more than I was investing. That is when the tank runs on empty, and the problems ensue within a relationship. “If you are feeling shame that's what the enemy wants. If you have guilt, that is the holy spirit telling you 'hey stupid, you need to change!!'”. Jeff was also the first man outside of Banquet to mention agape love towards someone. Showing unconditional love towards our spouse/loved one regardless of how they treat us, act towards us, speak about us. Give them love through the good and the bad. '”When you show that kind of love towards your spouse, that fills the tank. When you ask 'what can I do to help? That fills the tank a little bit more. When you do something with out having to be told what it is that needs to be done. That fills the tank. Invest in your relationship, and you we see the change. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but be an investor not a consumer.” Just hearing this man speak was awesome. It has given me a new approach towards how I will handle things going forward with her, and with whomever God decides to put in my life to be my spouse.

      This conference was well worth my time, because I gained so much more than I thought I would. “As men we are to be leaders. What do leaders do? They sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice??” is something Jim Brown said during his seminar. I sacrificed time with Caleb and Zeke for a Saturday, but what I gained in return will out weigh that more than I can ever explain. Learning to become the father I want to be, the father that I never had, the father that Caleb and Zeke deserve.  Learning to become the man God wants me to be that will eventually become a husband someday.  This seminar is just another fanning of the flames. God is putting these things in my life to help teach me what it means to let go of the past, what it means to forgive, what it means to love unconditionally, what it means to be a father. It is all about taking my time, and focusing it on investing it in others, in His word. To live my life sacrificially, and not selfishly. To be humble in all that I do, to essentially live a life of Christian Action and the rewards will be greater than I can ever dream.

     This bible verse I am going to use was something I had been searching for a while now. I have been looking in His word to describe why it is that I feel the way I do towards Caleb. He is not of my blood, but I love him as much as I love his brother Zeke. It wasn't until a member of my bible study group came back from an Iron Sharpens Iron in Wisconsin that I learned of this verse. The man from my group heard it from Alex Kendrick, one of the brothers who directed and wrote the movie “War Room”. The back ground to this verse, Kendrick's wife wanted to adopt a child and he didn't. He said they should have another baby since they (he and his wife) were both healthy adults. She didn't want to go through pregnancy again (they already have 4 kids). Kendrick prayed over the idea for a year, and in his bible he found this verse. He wrote down the day he read it, 2/14/11. Valentine's Day. The girl he and his wife would adopt, was born on 2/14/11. This is the verse that convinced Kendrick to adopt, and I think it fits perfectly for my feelings towards Caleb.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.”

John 10: 14 – 16 ESV

Good night everyone and enjoy your weekend.

Laying of Hands...

Well today I turned 32. Not really anything to celebrate, just another year that has passed that I have been able to walk this planet. This year, my birthday was rough. One of the roughest in years to be honest. I spent my day trying to fight off my anxiety as I had doctor's appointments this afternoon. I am worried about the prognosis of what is going on with my body, but I know that it is all in His hands. No matter what, everything is going to be okay.

Tuesday night I was in bible study. We were doing something different this Tuesday however since someone else was leading. It was a welcomed surprise, in fact I had hoped we would have another study like this again. We all sat in a circle facing each other, going over a series of daily devotionals that had been presented to us. On of the topics we were covering was that of prayer. One of the points that came up in the discussion is how does one pray, is there a right way to pray? The men sat and thought, pondering over this idea of “what is the right way to pray, or is there even a right way to pray?”. Then someone spoke up, “It does not matter how you do it, what matters is that you do it. Prayer changes everything. It is how we connect to God.” That stood out to me, for so long I had been wondering if how I was praying was the correct way. If that what I was praying for were the right things to be reaching out to God about. It matters not how I pray, it matters that I pray. That I lift my anxieties, my hurt, my anger, my jealousy, all of it to Him. I give it all to God, and ask for His divine wisdom in my life to help me through these issues I have. The night proceeded with many more discussions including topics of grace, forgiveness, meditation on the word, as well as other topics (I would list them but I do not have the hand out in front of me to do so.) As the night drew to an end and we started to close out in prayer, something happened. The leader of the night looked to me and said, “Mitch, would you mind sitting in the middle so we can lay our hands on you, and pray for you, over you.” Holding back tears I said, “Please do..” There a moments in your life where time can stand still and you are stuck in that moment. This was one of those moments in my life. As I sat in that chair, I felt time stop, I felt something just stir inside me. I felt the heartbeat of each and every one of the men in that room. I truly felt the Holy Spirit, and I felt it move through me. As these men laid their hands on me, as each one of them prayed over me, as I prayed for these men, something within me whispered. It was said earlier in the night by one of these men, but it sat heavy on my heart. “What did he do to those that crucified and hung Him? He forgave them….” Immediately after this I heard the lightening outside crackle. As I drove home from bible study, I knew what I needed to do.

I got home with this whisper still resonating in my heart. God knows who I am better than I do myself. He knows where, when, and how to push me in the direction He wants me to go. As I prepared for bed, I entered into my War Room. I started praying to the Almighty. Putting my whole heart into the words, they just came pouring out. Not only was I praying with God, I was speaking with Him on a personal level, as if He were sitting in the chair next to me just listening to what I had to say. “Lord, you forgave those that put you on the cross. Teach me to forgive her. Teach me and show me how to love her Lord.” He listened. God was right there in the room with me, listening to everything I was saying to Him. I had heard a sermon before about being able to “make the right call” up the Almighty and He will respond. Well apparently I had made the right call, because as I was mid sentence of lifting everything up, the most adamant prayer warrior I know called me. (This is 10:30 to 10:40ish at night). Daniel Lang, was on the other end of that call. As I picked up my cell phone, I just chuckled a little bit and hit answer. Daniel and I talked for a couple minutes. I had mentioned to him that I was in the middle of prayer when he called. He responded with, “I'm so sorry to interrupt you.” I just responded with, “Daniel don't be sorry. There is a reason you called me at this specific time. Banquet taught there are no such things as coincidences. Let me tell you what is going on right now.” The conversation continued for a little bit longer before we said our good byes. As I hung up the phone, I saw that I had received an email from Mom with scripture of encouragement for my doctor's appointment today. Even more proof that Christ was here, now, right by my side. I could feel my heart change. I could feel the Holy Spirit move within me. Reaching out and just asking for healing, asking for His amazing grace in my life, I could feel the change. Last night at that moment, I knew no matter what comes my way, everything is going to be okay. It is all in His hands. I have nothing to worry about, no reason to doubt, no reason not to forgive, and nothing to feel angry, or jealous, or envious about. He has given me every reason to love and understand, regardless of the situation. So I choose to follow His path in this regard, and not follow my own. My choice, has made all the difference in the world. That no matter what: We Get Through This. What an amazing 24 hours this has been. Just outright awesome, and scary but that is for another time to write about. Lastly, since it is my birthday I am giving a gift, not to myself but to you. You are forgiven. Our slate is clean.

Teach me to do your will

      for you are my God,

may your good Spirit

     lead me on level Ground.

Psalm 143:10

Forgiving and Moving Forward (3/10/2016)

     This is my first post in over a month. I am writing because my counselor has encouraged me to continue to journal my thoughts. I have been writing, those thoughts have been saved on my laptop and what isn't saved on my laptop is put into my prayer journal to be lifted up to Christ. I have reread some of the things I have written in the past month, and they still bring tears to my eyes. The hurt is there, but with every meeting with my counselor, my bible study group, and my mentor I am slowly healing from everything that has happened. I am moving forward one step at a time.

     Today in my counseling session we covered two very important topics. Topics which I have tried to avoid. The first topic was anger, the other was forgiveness. I will start with the later first. In bible study on Tuesday I heard an amazing definition of forgiveness. It was defined as follows: Forgiveness is when you can look at someone, say our slate is clean and I will no longer hold that against you. That is a powerful statement. When I heard it Tuesday night, it resonated within my chest. A train of thoughts came within the following days. Setting this thought process up it stems from a discussion we had in bible study a few weeks ago about God hardening Pharaohs heart and what that meant. This discussion and this past week made me think of the message she had sent me the night things ended. I had written her a letter apologizing for my mistakes, for succumbing to my addictions again, and for being so isolated the previous months among other things. I remember writing something along the lines of “Can you forgive me?” I remember in the message I received there was a sentence along the lines of “I forgive you, but...” This is where the hardening of the heart and forgiveness discussion come into play. Talking with my counselor (this is my thoughts on the matter so I could be wrong, only she can confirm/deny this) about, I don't know if she really forgave me. This train of thought lead me to realize that I haven't forgiven her either. Coming to this realization hurt, it really hurt. For so long I had been praying over her, over the situation we are in, and still I had not reached the point of forgiveness. I looked at my counselor and asked her, “Why am I not able to forgive her?” She in turn looked at me and responded, “What are you not able to forgive is the question you need to ask and answer.” I sat and thought for a minute. My reply was this, “It is because she was able to move on so fast, to just throw everything away and go on.” My hurt, anger, jealousy, and envy have become my own road block to being able to forgive her. A road block that was also encompassed with fear. Fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of not being able to move forward and let it go. “This road block can be passed with healing, but you can't force healing it happens in its own time. My heart tells me that in the near future there will come a time where everything is brought up again between you two, and that will be the moment you will be able to look at her with out feeling guilty or shameful and say to her with your heart, 'I forgive you'. When that happens, you two will be able to talk with out those previous feelings and truly start repairing the relationship in whatever means God has planned for the both of you,” is what my counselor responded with. I spoke with my Mom after the session with my counselor, and she had this to say “That is twice in one week you have had major discussions in regards to forgiveness. Mitchell, God is working in both your lives, and it is going to happen. I don't know when, but I feel that it is going to happen and it is going to happen soon.” This has been heavy on my heart for the last couple hours. Working on letting go of her, healing, and moving forward has been the single hardest things I have had to do in my life, it is even more difficult than having put Dad in the ground. In time I know I will be able to forgive her. Each prayer lifted, each meeting with my counselor, each meeting with my mentor, every Tuesday night in bible study, and church service I attend brings me closer to becoming healed. This process of being reforged is helping move forward in positive direction in this journey called life.

     Anger. It is apart of who I am as a person. There have been times where I was identified as “the angry guy” by the people close to me. That has been one of the labels I am seeking to change in my life. Unfortunately, anger still resides within me. Today I learned there are four stages to anger within any given person. Warning bells to let you know that something is wrong within yourself. 1) Frustration/Irritation, 2) “Mad”, 3) “Angry” | 4) Rage. The first stage my counselor defined as you can be sitting across from that person and talk with them but you are frustrated by their presence or their thoughts/opinions. The second stage is an elevated form of the first, however the body starts to tense up. This is where people fiddle with their phones, become more anxious, fidgeting as well. The third stage is an elevated form of the second, however the person has become more anxious and needs to move around a lot more, getting up and out of a chair, or quick reactions with hand movements. This stage is where the fight or flight really starts to come into play. The fourth stage is where you cross over the line, you lose control of your actions and can cause physical harm not only to yourself but others as well. The first three stages are voluntary, we as people can move up and down through these stages but we can recognize that there is a problem. The fourth stage, is crossing the boundary and is involuntary reactions. Hearing it like this, I now see it in my life, I can see multiple times where I have traveled up and down these stages, and sadly have hit “rage” several times. The difference between the “old me” and who I am trying to become, I am starting to recognize when I am in any one of the three stages. (Side Note: I will never allow myself to go into a rage again. I have seen the aftermath and it is scary. Never again.) The best example of this that comes to mind was a couple weeks ago when she and I were messaging each other in regards to the boys. I was getting frustrated, even mad at a lot of the things that were being said on her part. I found myself just writing in my phone, and then I looked down and really read what I was about to send. I was appalled that I had these thoughts, let alone had actually typed them out and almost hit send. As I said to my counselor and my Mom, “What I had written was pure hate. It would have burned any bridge that there is between us and then some. If there is to be any hope of healing between us, this message would have destroyed that instantly. As I looked at my phone I realized, I can't send this. There is no way in this world I could send that message. I had to delete it fast, and send something like 'Ok', just to get a message out there.” Before when I was going through this, I would have just sent it with out a care. No regard for her feelings, no regard for the words spoken. I would have just lashed out, said whatever came to my mind and not cared for the repercussions that would ensue. Now I do my best to keep a guarded tongue/mind, to not let emotions take control over my thoughts. Keep things simple, and then delete the messages after wards. This is hard, because the “old me” rears his head and wants to say things that I know I can't, but I force that part of me back down. My anger comes paired with jealousy as well as envy. I have created my own road block to my healing, preventing me from truly forgiving her, and lastly moving forward in life. With the help of my counselor, healing is going to take place, not in my time but in God's.

     This is where I need to learn to fully trust God, where in my prayers I lift her up to God and just ask “Lord, show me and teach me how to love this woman.” It has become routine saying this every night, and it helps. God is with me always, so I give her over to Him. God will watch out, for not only her but myself as well. God will also bring healing to both of us in His time, not ours. If it is part of His plan, God will bring us restoration, but in His time if ever at all. I know going through this that there are times when it is a constant struggle just to get through the day with out breaking down, but knowing He is with me and having access to His word has made this time of reforging bearable. So I confide in the Lord, knowing that Christ will strengthen me, and that Christ will truly mend me, heal the wounds into scars. Those scars in turn will be lesson learned filled with the wisdom of Christ himself. I do not know when I will actually write in my blog again, but know I am doing well and things are finally starting to move from mountains and canyons to hills and valleys if ever so slowly. Trust, and patience. All in His time. And so I leave you all with this;

“In God, whose word I praise- In God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Psalm 56:4 (NIV)