Learning to Surrender...

     This post comes in lieu of what I tried to do Sunday. It is also something my counselor (as well as my Mom) have been trying to get me to do over the last several months in regards to my thoughts. There are times through out the day that randomly, things just pop into my head. Memories, joyful thoughts, angry thoughts, sad thoughts, all revolving around her. It is like my brain is going, “Hey remember this, well ya do now. Think over it the next few minutes...” As much as I would like it to not happen, it does. It also happens at night, generally right as I am laying down to get what little sleep I am able to. I don't like thinking about things, because when I do my ADD goes ham and sends my brain on a wild roller coaster ride that I have been trying to get off of since December. The brain fires up, and the heart soon follows, once again letting emotions get the best of me. Letting them run rampant, fueling my anxiety and depression which keeps me up late at night because I become extremely restless. I like sleep, and right now sleep is the only time where I am not in pain. The thing my counselor has been trying to get me to do is compartmentalize my thoughts. To give them to God, store them away, and move on with my daily business (or fall asleep if I am in bed).

     “You need to learn what I did with your father. Take your thoughts and build a beautiful box in you mind for them. When you have them, open that box and store them away. Then give that box up to God, give her up to God and ask him to take this away for the time being.” This is what my Mom has said in regards to my thoughts. My counselor has said the same thing, just different wording. My counselor has also suggested that when this happens, to go search his word. Just lay the bible out and see where it takes you, because one way or another something is going to hit home at the right time. This leads me to what I said on Sunday. Sunday was rough, my anxiety was in full swing. I just wanted to find a way to get rid of my thoughts, to get rid of my feelings. I thought of the letters, the words she had written on those pages. I was so filled with emotions, that I let them control me. I was being attacked by the enemy and it had won this battle. Sunday night as I was outside holding the letters in one hand and a lighter in the other, something within me just said “Don't.” I couldn't do it, I couldn't burn the letters for whatever reason. I did not read them, but I just stared at them and put them in the back of the basement again. Today I asked my Mom about it, “Why couldn't I do it? I wanted to, but I couldn't.” Her response, “Of course you couldn't. Those letters are not meant to be thrown away. They are to be cherished, regardless of the situation. Like I have said before, put those letters in a beautiful box, and just give the box up to God. He will take care of you, he will take care of Emily. I am praying constantly for the both of you, but for now you must hand the box over to the Almighty and let him do his work in both your lives.” She understands more from the source than I do.

     Today, like I had stated earlier my thoughts and emotions ran wild again during work. After what I went through on Sunday, I decided to listen to my counselor's advice. I do not have a bible at work, but I do have the bible app on my phone. So as if I was reading the pages in hand, I picked a random book and started reading. I first landed in Malachi. I was reading and just nothing was hitting home, nothing was sinking in like I thought it would. I told myself, one more time then back to work. Once again, picked a random book, random chapter, random verse. Hosea Chapter 3 verse 3, Hosea's Reconciliation With His Wife. I sat just there and looked at my phone. Really?! REALLY?! God has a weird sense of humor. Once again back on the emotional roller coaster. “You need to learn to surrender. Give it all to God. Right now the enemy is attacking where you have the most sorrow, and that is the boys and that is Emily. Pray for discernment, ask God to lift the veil from your eyes so you can be shown the way.” This is what my Mom said to me in regards to these last couple days. Learning to surrender it all has proven to be extremely difficult. There have been many of night spent in my War Room giving her and the boys over to God, asking for his wisdom in all this. Still, I am finding myself being thrown into a loop. The emotional roller coaster I am trying to get off of, apparently needs to go around a couple more times. “Ask God to weave your sorrow into something great in your life,” is part of a prayer my Mom is sending me. She read me the whole thing earlier, and it is going to become part of my daily prayer routine. Right now, I need some serious discernment in my life. I need to ask for his guidance in all this because for the first time in a long time, I am having trouble finding a direction forward. What I thought where just hills and valleys have suddenly become mountains and canyons again. I need to shield myself, and ask for direction. What is it am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to follow through? Am I to wait, or start searching? How do I weave my sorrow into something great? These questions plus more are all floating through my head. “God will find a way to open the door. Just don't put your hopes up for it. If it does happen it will be in his time.” once again words from my Mom. Praying for patience, and that the veil be lifted from my eyes to discern his plan for me. And to trust that his plan for my life is all unfolding in his time, not mine.

     Lastly, today I was shown grace. I went to the hospital today to try and get my bills from all the testing I have had done consolidated so that I would only be making one payment. As I was talking to the woman, she was reviewing my accounts. Thousands of dollars in medical bills I thought I needed to pay, were dwindled down to just under 300 dollars. Yeah, you read that right. I about fell out of my chair when she told me this. As my counselor has said, “You are seated right in front of the throne and God is listening to you. Keep praying, keep lifting Emily up, keep lifting the boys up, lift all those around you up and God will show you the way.” God showed me grace today. I need to reflect that on those around me.

     So here I am, on a roller coaster. Here I am asking for discernment of thoughts and feelings. Here I am reflecting on his word, and how things can change with in a very short time. Here I am experiencing his amazing grace. Here I am, wondering what is it that I am to do next? Here I am asking the creator of the universe, “What would you have me do?”

“I will restore to you the years

     that the swarming locust has eaten,”

Joel 2:25