Erasing Memories..

      Over the last several months, I have been saying that I am in the fire to be reforged, to become the man God has intended me to become. Last night, I had a thought in regards to this. What being reforged really means to me. I feel now I have an understanding to this. There is a part of me that hasn't truly been able to adjust, a part of me that has been afraid of what lies ahead. So easily it has looked ahead and then immediately grasped on to the chain of the past. I realize now what it is that binds me. I understand now that in order to see the future, the past must be purged. This is what is going on in my life right now. The fire that I am in is purging me, stripping away the layers of anger, hate, jealousy, and envy. It is taking away all of those feelings, and creating a new ground in which to sow a better seed. There has been in void in my life for what seems like ages. That void is where my sadness comes from, the anger, and the fear. I have had this void before, but in the past I have tried filling it with drink, women, or games. This fire is preventing that, for the first time in my life instead of escaping my feelings, escaping the void, I am learning to face them. “When you have these feelings of sadness and fear, I want you to find what triggered it. Then I want you to go into the word, just start reading. I guarantee you, his word will become vibrant and fill you in ways that you won't believe,” was something my counselor said in regards to this. To look directly into the void, and fill it with Him.

      “You must face your sadness and your fear, only then will you be able to heal from this. Filling the void with people or things is only going to be temporary. Those feelings will come back. Learn to trust in Him, learn to let his word guide you. You can overcome this. Trust in God's timing not our own, his plan for all of us is on a grander scale.” One of the things my counselor has wanting me to practice is facing these feelings. That when I do get overwhelmed to rush to his word. There are times when it is easy to do. Other times, I do find myself seeking a distraction from the feelings. A way to escape what it is that I am feeling at that moment in time. She is having me fill myself with the word, to have these feelings taken away by the Lord Almighty. I am told this is to strengthen who it is that I am. By doing this, I am learning how to overcome my fears. Something that I have never really been able to do. There are times when I do feel like I am still picking up the pieces to a shattered life, but I know the more I seek his word, the easier it becomes to pick up the pieces. To fill myself with Him will be the only way I will come out of the fire.

      “You are looking back, don't look back. That part of you is dead. That relationship is dead. Everything that was you has died and was taken away when Christ died on the cross. The old man is dead, the new man lives.” Once again more words that have stuck out from my sessions with my counselor. Here I sit in the fire, watching the things I once held dear get purged from my being. The feelings that I once had are being erased. The memories that were once vibrant and joyful remain, but have become faded with time. The man that loved her is gone. The woman that loved me is gone. This is where accepting, and adapting has been the hardest part. For so long I did not want to accept it, I did not want to believe it but as time marches forward the more I realize it. There are two things that I kept hidden away after everything happened. I realize now I should not have kept them at all. Simple things really but meant the world to me at the time. Two letters reside in my basement, one which she gave to me on Valentine's Day and her letter to me when I first attended Banquet. I kept them because they were hand written, and very personal. The problem was that they were written to the “old man”, the man that no longer exists. The words are forever written on my mind, but I know they no longer hold any merit. That relationship is dead. And like the fire that surrounds me, by fire these letters will be burned. Maybe this will finally bring closure for myself, and allow my heart to move forward.

     Even though the struggle bus is real, it does get easier. Time is no longer at a stand still, it has been slowly moving forward. Each day that passes I learn something from his word to apply to my life. A life of Christian Action is what I want to live. I have no need for booze or for the games, my time is better spent serving others or in his word. I know one day I will be rewarded for the sacrifices I have and continue to make, but I don't make them for my glory. Everything I do is for his glory alone. God will guide me and I will be given understanding of his will in my life. People always say, “God doesn't given us what we can't handle..” or “Everything is in preparation for something he has already planned for you..” Well, he must think I can handle a whole lot, and is preparing me for something incredible to happen. The best thing I can do, is pray and give thanks for all that God does in my life.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13