I've been debating alot right now about what my next few posts in the blog are going to be about. I have toyed with a couple ideas, bu this one comes from today. It post piggy backs off a post earlier I had made on facebook about doing the right thing. I have been thinking about it all day, and taking into my thoughts the talks I've had over the last several months with my mentor as well as my mom what it means to do the "right thing".
Why do we do the right thing?
Because its the right thing to do.
I'll go a little bit more in depth on that as to what it means to me to "do the right thing". For me, doing the right thing means backing up my words with actions. The reason I am not with her anymore is because I didn't do the right thing. I didn't make the right decisions. I was making promises and not sticking to my word, leaving always with "oh, we'll do it later" or :maybe next time", I failed to see that there would be no next time. I needed to learn what the "right thing" to do was. I understand now, what the right thing for me to do is. Its something that I've always wanted to do, but could never really show or explain it until recently. Going through what I'm going through, and the pain I have endured I realize how much I had hidden away from it all. How I never truly dealt with loss in my life, I always found a way to circumvent that, aka drinking. Looking back this is how I've handled the worst situations in my life, and now that I don't have the ability to numb away the pain for the first time I am truly having to face it. When dad died, I was in the bar numbing away the pain, because I couldn't handle the loss of my father. When I had asked Steph to marry me and she said "no", I went back to old demons again spending most of my paycheck in the bar. When Emily ended things, it was right back to the bottle, for a short while. Then I came to my senses, I can't be a drunk and be a father. I had to "do the right thing" and force myself to quit drinking, to force myself out of those situations, in essence I had to force myself to change who I was and get on the path of who I am to become. I forced myself to "do the right thing".
Going back to what I had said earlier, I now know and understand what doing the "right thing" means, even if my actions are late but I know and understand better now than before that they are not meaningless. Right now, its helping her find a job, to use the resources that I have and connections I have that I can reach out to others to help her find employment. I do this because its right, and I do this with out expecting anything in return. I spend my weekends with Zeke, being the weekend warrior dad because that is the role that I am put into. Do I want more time with Zeke? Do I want to see him and hold him everyday? More than anything in this world I do, but because of the situation and how things are that is just not in the cards currently. Well not even currently, that is how they will be for the future as well. I made a decision, it was the right decision, not to take her to court over my son because I believe that the ends will justify the means. That something good and positive will come from all this right now, its been hell on wheels let me tell you but I'm sticking to my decision. Two things have been said of me in regards to this, and the people who have said it say it defines the man that I am and the character I instill in others.
"When others are looking for an out, you're looking for an in. You want to be something more than you were, and its her own fault if she doesn't see that." -from a friend
"In today's society, people are so quick to goto war and get lawyers to fight one another. Or just write a check and be done with everything, to walk away 'clean'. In the end fighting does nothing, writing a check does nothing. The path you have chosen, very few walk, and yes it will be difficult. But I am at your side, and God is at your side. Choosing the higher path may not be the safest way, but through God, and through his word anything is possible. You can get through this." - my mentor
Doing the right thing means being the weekend warrior dad. Doing the right thing means trying to help her find a job because of the resources I have available. Doing the right thing means trying to spend equal amount of time with both Caleb and Zeke, to show that I can be a positive influence on their lives. That I can be a mentor, and that even though she and I aren't together show them that adults can work things out. That given the circumstances parents can be mindful and respectful of one another. I pray that Caleb and Zeke are wise beyond their years and understand how to do the right thing. That when the time comes they will stand up for waht they believe in no matter the cost. Because doing "the right thing" is in essence what we all should strive to do.
I'll be writing again soon all.. have a wonderful week and wekend. Spend time with the ones you love, and be sure to tell them you love them. GO in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to God. G'nite everyone!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
The Anger Inside Me..
This post stems from a lot that has happened to me within the last year. The discovery of where my deep rooted pain comes from, and how I have begun to develop the tools to deal with issues that arise in my life. Even today if you read my facebook, just taking a simple walk around my building helped clear my head from the problems that were arising at work.
"That's my secret Captain: I'm always angry" - Bruce Banner
anger - noun - a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad : the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc. : the feeling of being angry
That is the definition of angry according to Merriam-Webster. Anger. We all have it within us. It is part of our nature as humans to have anger, be it towards another person, or object. It resides deep within us as people and on occasion it rear its ugly head, and when it does bad things happen.
For the better part of a year I was angry. Even today I still am, but we'll get to that later. I was angry because of the situation that was handed over to me. I was angry because the decisions I was making I thought were the right ones, but having looked back at what I was doing it was completely wrong. Once again, lessons learned but never forgotten. The situation was because of my actions, because of my inability to act on promises made, and to not hold true to my word. In essence I was angry because of who I was and what I was doing. I was angry because I was naive enough to believe that the situation I was about to become part of could be solved easily, when in reality it cannot. I was angry because I wanted more, but didn't show it in fact I did quite the opposite. Once again, I was angry at me. I internalized it, and fueled it with alcohol. It was so much easier to be angry at someone and just associate all the blame to that single person. Why was life bad? Her. Why can't I go out and have fun? Her. Why don't we see each other often enough? Her. I was associating it all onto one person, when I should have been realizing the true picture unfolding before my eyes.
"Why are you angry?"
It wasn't until I started meeting with my mentor that I started to ask myself this question. Why was I angry? The first thing I had to address was my anger with God. I was beyond angry, almost to the point of being furious for him taking Dad. I know now that I never should have had these thoughts. His plan, though not known to us at the time, is always revealed. After speaking with Dave, I begun to hash out the plan set before myself. Losing Dad brought an enormous amount of friction on my mother, myself, and my brother to the point where I did not speak to my mother or my brother for months to almost a year at a time. Now I realize that His ultimate plan, was to bring us closer together as a family, and that does not just apply to my mom and brother, it applies to my intermediate family as well. We lost Dad, though tragic, it helped us develop bonds with my aunt and uncle that weren't there before. Now we communicate with each other on a weekly if not daily basis (have to give credit were credit is due: Facebook helps with this one). Once I realized this, once I started to accept His plan for my life and the course he has set forth for me, life changed instantaneously. No longer did I hold hatred or malice in my heart, because those feelings were what was making everything seem empty. Once I started to rid myself of these, only then could I begin to fill my cup of life.
"Words when spoken should be of praise, they should be uplifting, and they should empower you. For the better part of a year, nothing of what I said to you were any of those things."
I said that to Emily back in March. That statement holds true for anyone when we speak. One of the main reasons I held so much anger in my heart was because when I would speak to her I would lash out. I would speak to her but my words would be laced with anger and hatred. It was not until starting to meet with Dave that I realized this. I wanted to communicate to her, with her, but I did not know how because of the anger that I had within me. Once I was able to let go of the hate, only then did the healing truly begin, for myself at least. Only in letting go, was I able to free the shackles which I had restrained myself with.
"We have the tools, we have the talent!!" - Winston Zeddemore
Since meeting with my mentor, the biggest thing that I have been able to do is develop the tools that I need to help deal with the issue that are in my life. Yes, life is hard but it does not need to be overwhelmingly impossible. God does not put obstacles in our lives that we cannot overcome. So yes, I will get angry and frustrated from time to time. That might stem from something at work, to not being able to lift what I wanted to, to even something involving her; but I now am developing the tools to help deal with this in my own way. If things get to the point where I feel like I cannot handle them, then I listen to something my Mom said to me and I follow it, "Lift unto Him, and he will take the pain away." So when you find yourself getting angry, and you're not exactly why, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you angry because this is something that is within your realm of control? Are you angry because it is out of your realm of control, and you wish you could have handled it differently? Go for a quick walk to clear you mind, look up a passage in the "good book" or from one of your favorite novels to read over real quick, and if none of that helps a nice "knee-mail" can always do the trick. Good night everyone. Enjoy your Mother's this weekend, give them an extra big hug or tell them you love them one more time!!
"That's my secret Captain: I'm always angry" - Bruce Banner
anger - noun - a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad : the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc. : the feeling of being angry
That is the definition of angry according to Merriam-Webster. Anger. We all have it within us. It is part of our nature as humans to have anger, be it towards another person, or object. It resides deep within us as people and on occasion it rear its ugly head, and when it does bad things happen.
For the better part of a year I was angry. Even today I still am, but we'll get to that later. I was angry because of the situation that was handed over to me. I was angry because the decisions I was making I thought were the right ones, but having looked back at what I was doing it was completely wrong. Once again, lessons learned but never forgotten. The situation was because of my actions, because of my inability to act on promises made, and to not hold true to my word. In essence I was angry because of who I was and what I was doing. I was angry because I was naive enough to believe that the situation I was about to become part of could be solved easily, when in reality it cannot. I was angry because I wanted more, but didn't show it in fact I did quite the opposite. Once again, I was angry at me. I internalized it, and fueled it with alcohol. It was so much easier to be angry at someone and just associate all the blame to that single person. Why was life bad? Her. Why can't I go out and have fun? Her. Why don't we see each other often enough? Her. I was associating it all onto one person, when I should have been realizing the true picture unfolding before my eyes.
"Why are you angry?"
It wasn't until I started meeting with my mentor that I started to ask myself this question. Why was I angry? The first thing I had to address was my anger with God. I was beyond angry, almost to the point of being furious for him taking Dad. I know now that I never should have had these thoughts. His plan, though not known to us at the time, is always revealed. After speaking with Dave, I begun to hash out the plan set before myself. Losing Dad brought an enormous amount of friction on my mother, myself, and my brother to the point where I did not speak to my mother or my brother for months to almost a year at a time. Now I realize that His ultimate plan, was to bring us closer together as a family, and that does not just apply to my mom and brother, it applies to my intermediate family as well. We lost Dad, though tragic, it helped us develop bonds with my aunt and uncle that weren't there before. Now we communicate with each other on a weekly if not daily basis (have to give credit were credit is due: Facebook helps with this one). Once I realized this, once I started to accept His plan for my life and the course he has set forth for me, life changed instantaneously. No longer did I hold hatred or malice in my heart, because those feelings were what was making everything seem empty. Once I started to rid myself of these, only then could I begin to fill my cup of life.
"Words when spoken should be of praise, they should be uplifting, and they should empower you. For the better part of a year, nothing of what I said to you were any of those things."
I said that to Emily back in March. That statement holds true for anyone when we speak. One of the main reasons I held so much anger in my heart was because when I would speak to her I would lash out. I would speak to her but my words would be laced with anger and hatred. It was not until starting to meet with Dave that I realized this. I wanted to communicate to her, with her, but I did not know how because of the anger that I had within me. Once I was able to let go of the hate, only then did the healing truly begin, for myself at least. Only in letting go, was I able to free the shackles which I had restrained myself with.
"We have the tools, we have the talent!!" - Winston Zeddemore
Since meeting with my mentor, the biggest thing that I have been able to do is develop the tools that I need to help deal with the issue that are in my life. Yes, life is hard but it does not need to be overwhelmingly impossible. God does not put obstacles in our lives that we cannot overcome. So yes, I will get angry and frustrated from time to time. That might stem from something at work, to not being able to lift what I wanted to, to even something involving her; but I now am developing the tools to help deal with this in my own way. If things get to the point where I feel like I cannot handle them, then I listen to something my Mom said to me and I follow it, "Lift unto Him, and he will take the pain away." So when you find yourself getting angry, and you're not exactly why, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you angry because this is something that is within your realm of control? Are you angry because it is out of your realm of control, and you wish you could have handled it differently? Go for a quick walk to clear you mind, look up a passage in the "good book" or from one of your favorite novels to read over real quick, and if none of that helps a nice "knee-mail" can always do the trick. Good night everyone. Enjoy your Mother's this weekend, give them an extra big hug or tell them you love them one more time!!
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Best of Me..
Fridays are the day I actually look forward to because when I leave work I know that in just a few short hours I will be able to see the best of what defines me. I get to see Zeke. This post will have some parts that for me to write will be hard, but like I have said previously these are my thoughts.
Ezekiel,
My son, my brave little boy. It is with great sadness that I am writing you on this quiet Sunday evening. Your mother and I, though we love each other very much, will not be able to raise you together. Through our own actions, she and I will be separated during your life. When you love someone, you know how to hurt that person. You hurt them to the core, and sometimes it is too great an obstacle to overcome. Know this my child, she and I love you. We will always love you. You my son are simply amazing, and it pains me to know that your life will be difficult. Things will not come easy to you, but your mother and I will make sure that you never want in your life. That you will always be provided for. I love you my son, and everyday that I am not with you I am missing you greatly. I watch you walk and grow into the incredible young man you are to be and it brings joy to my heart. As always I love you my son and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again. I will write to you again soon my child,
Love,
Dad
I wrote that letter to my son back in August of last year. Rereading those words it still brings pain into my heart, not because the decisions that were made, but because of the actions from both her and I that lead to those decisions. Everything happens for a reason, we just may not know it at the time. Zeke truly brings out the best in me in that he has shown me what it means to be whole again. I come home to an empty house every night of the week except Friday night, because on that night my house is not a house anymore, it becomes my home. It becomes the place that I get to hear the laughter of an amazing little boy. The place that I get to lay his dreary little head down when he wants to go to sleep. I get to hear the squeaks and giggles when his hand is licked by Sarabi. I get to watch him run around the first floor, climb the steps up stairs, and hold his hands as he walks down them. I truly become alive, and my house morphs into my home, my place of sanctuary from the world outside. I realize now the things that I have always wanted to do since Zeke has come into my life I am actually doing. I am feeding my son, I am helping him change into and out of his clothes, I am giving him baths on Saturday mornings before breakfast, and I am taking him to the park to watch him go down slides plus many other things just involved with him being with me. I failed to realize this a long time ago, but now looking back at it all I am getting the memories that I have always wanted since becoming a father. Zeke brings the best out in me, he has shown me that there truly is a reason to change who you are, to change the path your life is on, and to show me that there is one cause, one thing I am willing to sacrifice life, limb and happiness for. Zeke is it all, and then some.
"When I see you sitting here before me, I see George. I see him in you, and I see you in your son. George is here with you, so don't worry I'm sure he has a good eye on you and Zeke."
My mentor said that to me a couple weeks ago when we were having one of our Saturday morning talks. I still tear up thinking about it. I am envious that Emily has the opportunity to see her father with Zeke. I however am happy at the same time she gets this, and that Zeke gets this as well. Even though my father is gone, there are still two amazing men and two amazing women that love my son, two amazing sets of grandparents that get to have the bundle of joy that is Zeke in their lives. Do I wish that Zeke could meet Dad? With all my heart yes. I know that will not happen, but I do know that Dad is with me every day, and he is watching over Zeke even as I type this. At Christmas I was have these train of thoughts, and I did something I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote Jim a letter, and in that letter I wrote the two things I have wanted to say to him for a long time, basically since he came into my life. 1) I thanked him for loving my mom as much as he does, and 2) I thanked him for giving me the memories of seeing grandpa with Zeke. Zeke is very much loved by both Emily's family as well as my family, and in this I could never be more proud than I am right now.
I'll leave you all with this for now. Things with Zeke are continuing to get better. Yes, as much as it hurts I do not get to see him every day, but when I write to him as I do I feel like I am with him. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to walk into my house and see him running towards me with open arms and a smile on his face screaming, "DADDY!!" I look at Zeke and I am reminded of the things that can truly make a person want to change, to better themselves in all facets of life. I was trying to think of a witty quote to end this on, but the only thing that comes to mind is an image from the Simpsons. When you look at it you will understand. (Even though it says "her", in my mind it says "him"). Good night and good weekend everyone, be safe and enjoy yourselves with your loved ones!!
Ezekiel,
My son, my brave little boy. It is with great sadness that I am writing you on this quiet Sunday evening. Your mother and I, though we love each other very much, will not be able to raise you together. Through our own actions, she and I will be separated during your life. When you love someone, you know how to hurt that person. You hurt them to the core, and sometimes it is too great an obstacle to overcome. Know this my child, she and I love you. We will always love you. You my son are simply amazing, and it pains me to know that your life will be difficult. Things will not come easy to you, but your mother and I will make sure that you never want in your life. That you will always be provided for. I love you my son, and everyday that I am not with you I am missing you greatly. I watch you walk and grow into the incredible young man you are to be and it brings joy to my heart. As always I love you my son and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again. I will write to you again soon my child,
Love,
Dad
I wrote that letter to my son back in August of last year. Rereading those words it still brings pain into my heart, not because the decisions that were made, but because of the actions from both her and I that lead to those decisions. Everything happens for a reason, we just may not know it at the time. Zeke truly brings out the best in me in that he has shown me what it means to be whole again. I come home to an empty house every night of the week except Friday night, because on that night my house is not a house anymore, it becomes my home. It becomes the place that I get to hear the laughter of an amazing little boy. The place that I get to lay his dreary little head down when he wants to go to sleep. I get to hear the squeaks and giggles when his hand is licked by Sarabi. I get to watch him run around the first floor, climb the steps up stairs, and hold his hands as he walks down them. I truly become alive, and my house morphs into my home, my place of sanctuary from the world outside. I realize now the things that I have always wanted to do since Zeke has come into my life I am actually doing. I am feeding my son, I am helping him change into and out of his clothes, I am giving him baths on Saturday mornings before breakfast, and I am taking him to the park to watch him go down slides plus many other things just involved with him being with me. I failed to realize this a long time ago, but now looking back at it all I am getting the memories that I have always wanted since becoming a father. Zeke brings the best out in me, he has shown me that there truly is a reason to change who you are, to change the path your life is on, and to show me that there is one cause, one thing I am willing to sacrifice life, limb and happiness for. Zeke is it all, and then some.
"When I see you sitting here before me, I see George. I see him in you, and I see you in your son. George is here with you, so don't worry I'm sure he has a good eye on you and Zeke."
My mentor said that to me a couple weeks ago when we were having one of our Saturday morning talks. I still tear up thinking about it. I am envious that Emily has the opportunity to see her father with Zeke. I however am happy at the same time she gets this, and that Zeke gets this as well. Even though my father is gone, there are still two amazing men and two amazing women that love my son, two amazing sets of grandparents that get to have the bundle of joy that is Zeke in their lives. Do I wish that Zeke could meet Dad? With all my heart yes. I know that will not happen, but I do know that Dad is with me every day, and he is watching over Zeke even as I type this. At Christmas I was have these train of thoughts, and I did something I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote Jim a letter, and in that letter I wrote the two things I have wanted to say to him for a long time, basically since he came into my life. 1) I thanked him for loving my mom as much as he does, and 2) I thanked him for giving me the memories of seeing grandpa with Zeke. Zeke is very much loved by both Emily's family as well as my family, and in this I could never be more proud than I am right now.
I'll leave you all with this for now. Things with Zeke are continuing to get better. Yes, as much as it hurts I do not get to see him every day, but when I write to him as I do I feel like I am with him. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to walk into my house and see him running towards me with open arms and a smile on his face screaming, "DADDY!!" I look at Zeke and I am reminded of the things that can truly make a person want to change, to better themselves in all facets of life. I was trying to think of a witty quote to end this on, but the only thing that comes to mind is an image from the Simpsons. When you look at it you will understand. (Even though it says "her", in my mind it says "him"). Good night and good weekend everyone, be safe and enjoy yourselves with your loved ones!!
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