This post stems from a lot that has happened to me within the last year. The discovery of where my deep rooted pain comes from, and how I have begun to develop the tools to deal with issues that arise in my life. Even today if you read my facebook, just taking a simple walk around my building helped clear my head from the problems that were arising at work.
"That's my secret Captain: I'm always angry" - Bruce Banner
anger - noun - a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong
or bad : the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to
shout, etc. : the feeling of being angry
That is the definition of angry according to Merriam-Webster. Anger. We all have it within us. It is part of our nature as humans to have anger, be it towards another person, or object. It resides deep within us as people and on occasion it rear its ugly head, and when it does bad things happen.
For the better part of a year I was angry. Even today I still am, but we'll get to that later. I was angry because of the situation that was handed over to me. I was angry because the decisions I was making I thought were the right ones, but having looked back at what I was doing it was completely wrong. Once again, lessons learned but never forgotten. The situation was because of my actions, because of my inability to act on promises made, and to not hold true to my word. In essence I was angry because of who I was and what I was doing. I was angry because I was naive enough to believe that the situation I was about to become part of could be solved easily, when in reality it cannot. I was angry because I wanted more, but didn't show it in fact I did quite the opposite. Once again, I was angry at me. I internalized it, and fueled it with alcohol. It was so much easier to be angry at someone and just associate all the blame to that single person. Why was life bad? Her. Why can't I go out and have fun? Her. Why don't we see each other often enough? Her. I was associating it all onto one person, when I should have been realizing the true picture unfolding before my eyes.
"Why are you angry?"
It wasn't until I started meeting with my mentor that I started to ask myself this question. Why was I angry? The first thing I had to address was my anger with God. I was beyond angry, almost to the point of being furious for him taking Dad. I know now that I never should have had these thoughts. His plan, though not known to us at the time, is always revealed. After speaking with Dave, I begun to hash out the plan set before myself. Losing Dad brought an enormous amount of friction on my mother, myself, and my brother to the point where I did not speak to my mother or my brother for months to almost a year at a time. Now I realize that His ultimate plan, was to bring us closer together as a family, and that does not just apply to my mom and brother, it applies to my intermediate family as well. We lost Dad, though tragic, it helped us develop bonds with my aunt and uncle that weren't there before. Now we communicate with each other on a weekly if not daily basis (have to give credit were credit is due: Facebook helps with this one). Once I realized this, once I started to accept His plan for my life and the course he has set forth for me, life changed instantaneously. No longer did I hold hatred or malice in my heart, because those feelings were what was making everything seem empty. Once I started to rid myself of these, only then could I begin to fill my cup of life.
"Words when spoken should be of praise, they should be uplifting, and they should empower you. For the better part of a year, nothing of what I said to you were any of those things."
I said that to Emily back in March. That statement holds true for anyone when we speak. One of the main reasons I held so much anger in my heart was because when I would speak to her I would lash out. I would speak to her but my words would be laced with anger and hatred. It was not until starting to meet with Dave that I realized this. I wanted to communicate to her, with her, but I did not know how because of the anger that I had within me. Once I was able to let go of the hate, only then did the healing truly begin, for myself at least. Only in letting go, was I able to free the shackles which I had restrained myself with.
"We have the tools, we have the talent!!" - Winston Zeddemore
Since meeting with my mentor, the biggest thing that I have been able to do is develop the tools that I need to help deal with the issue that are in my life. Yes, life is hard but it does not need to be overwhelmingly impossible. God does not put obstacles in our lives that we cannot overcome. So yes, I will get angry and frustrated from time to time. That might stem from something at work, to not being able to lift what I wanted to, to even something involving her; but I now am developing the tools to help deal with this in my own way. If things get to the point where I feel like I cannot handle them, then I listen to something my Mom said to me and I follow it, "Lift unto Him, and he will take the pain away." So when you find yourself getting angry, and you're not exactly why, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you angry because this is something that is within your realm of control? Are you angry because it is out of your realm of control, and you wish you could have handled it differently? Go for a quick walk to clear you mind, look up a passage in the "good book" or from one of your favorite novels to read over real quick, and if none of that helps a nice "knee-mail" can always do the trick. Good night everyone. Enjoy your Mother's this weekend, give them an extra big hug or tell them you love them one more time!!
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