The Best of Me..

Fridays are the day I actually look forward to because when I leave work I know that in just a few short hours I will be able to see the best of what defines me.  I get to see Zeke.  This post will have some parts that for me to write will be hard, but like I have said previously these are my thoughts.

Ezekiel,

     My son, my brave little boy.  It is with great sadness that I am writing you on this quiet Sunday evening.  Your mother and I, though we love each other very much, will not be able to raise you together.  Through our own actions, she and I will be separated during your life.  When you love someone, you know how to hurt that person.  You hurt them to the core, and sometimes it is too great an obstacle to overcome.  Know this my child, she and I love you.  We will always love you.  You my son are simply amazing, and it pains me to know that your life will be difficult.  Things will not come easy to you, but your mother and I will make sure that you never want in your life.  That you will always be provided for.  I love you my son, and everyday that I am not with you I am missing you greatly.  I watch you walk and grow into the incredible young man you are to be and it brings joy to my heart.  As always I love you my son and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again.  I will write to you again soon my child,

Love,
Dad


     I wrote that letter to my son back in August of last year.  Rereading those words it still brings pain into my heart, not because the decisions that were made, but because of the actions from both her and I that lead to those decisions.  Everything happens for a reason, we just may not know it at the time. Zeke truly brings out the best in me in that he has shown me what it means to be whole again.  I come home to an empty house every night of the week except Friday night, because on that night my house is not a house anymore, it becomes my home.  It becomes the place that I get to hear the laughter of an amazing little boy.  The place that I get to lay his dreary little head down when he wants to go to sleep.  I get to hear the squeaks and giggles when his hand is licked by Sarabi.  I get to watch him run around the first floor, climb the steps up stairs, and hold his hands as he walks down them.  I truly become alive, and my house morphs into my home, my place of sanctuary from the world outside.  I realize now the things that I have always wanted to do since Zeke has come into my life I am actually doing.  I am feeding my son, I am helping him change into and out of his clothes, I am giving him baths on Saturday mornings before breakfast, and I am taking him to the park to watch him go down slides plus many other things just involved with him being with me.  I failed to realize this a long time ago, but now looking back at it all I am getting the memories that I have always wanted since becoming a father.  Zeke brings the best out in me, he has shown me that there truly is a reason to change who you are, to change the path your life is on, and to show me that there is one cause, one thing I am willing to sacrifice life, limb and happiness for.  Zeke is it all, and then some.      

     "When I see you sitting here before me, I see George.  I see him in you, and I see you in your son.  George is here with you, so don't worry I'm sure he has a good eye on you and Zeke."

      My mentor said that to me a couple weeks ago when we were having one of our Saturday morning talks.  I still tear up thinking about it.  I am envious that Emily has the opportunity to see her father with Zeke.  I however am happy at the same time she gets this, and that Zeke gets this as well.  Even though my father is gone, there are still two amazing men and two amazing women that love my son, two amazing sets of grandparents that get to have the bundle of joy that is Zeke in their lives.  Do I wish that Zeke could meet Dad? With all my heart yes.  I know that will not happen, but I do know that Dad is with me every day, and he is watching over Zeke even as I type this.  At Christmas I was have these train of thoughts, and I did something I had wanted to for a long time.  I wrote Jim a letter, and in that letter I wrote the two things I have wanted to say to him for a long time, basically since he came into my life.  1) I thanked him for loving my mom as much as he does, and 2) I thanked him for giving me the memories of seeing grandpa with Zeke.  Zeke is very much loved by both Emily's family as well as my family, and in this I could never be more proud than I am right now.

    I'll leave you all with this for now.  Things with Zeke are continuing to get better.  Yes, as much as it hurts I do not get to see him every day, but when I write to him as I do I feel like I am with him. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to walk into my house and see him running towards me with open arms and a smile on his face screaming, "DADDY!!" I look at Zeke and I am reminded of the things that can truly make a person want to change, to better themselves in all facets of life.  I was trying to think of a witty quote to end this on, but the only thing that comes to mind is an image from the Simpsons.  When you look at it you will understand.  (Even though it says "her", in my mind it says "him").  Good night and good weekend everyone, be safe and enjoy yourselves with your loved ones!!