Misfits Who Became Kings...

     This post has been sitting on my heart for quite a while now. Things in my life have started shifting again. Even though there have been some positive steps forward, I still feel as if I am in the flames, being reforged in his image. That something is bringing back into the fire, telling me that I am not done with his shaping of my life. God is constantly at work in my life, both in front of the curtain and behind the scenes, I just have to trust in this path that has been tailored made for my life and follow where ever it may lead.

     I started Fight Club. In Fight Club we are starting to read a book called “When Misfits Become Kings: Unlock Your Future Through Intimacy With God”. The first chapter of the book had me hooked immediately. The chapter starts off with “Many are called, but few are chosen.” (Matt 24:14 MEV). The first few paragraphs talk about how this verse is constantly misunderstood. People use this verse to rationalize their role in the kingdom. Saying that the chosen are “the men and women out in front, the people we remember most” and the called are second rate, people not to be remembered but still have an effect. The actual translation from the Greek for this passage is “Many are called, but few choose to accept the call.” The chapter goes into more detail about being “called”. The story of John the Baptist is the first example. He was the son of a great preacher, but his “calling” would not be to preach in the temple but in the “wilderness”. Only after communing with God, did John accept his “calling”, however his choice branded him a “misfit” among his peers. However it was John's choice that did not make him a misfit, but made him a “king” instead. He accepted the higher calling, trusting completely in the Lord to guide his ways. The other example in this chapter was of David. The back story to David is interesting. His father Jesse wanted another child not with his wife Nitzevet (whom he had cast away) but with her maidservant. Seeing what the many years of separation had done to Nitzevet, the maidservant came up with a plan to switch places with Nitzevet so she could be with Jesse. Nitzevet conceived David. David became the black sheep of his family because of this. This “misfit” was placed in the fields as a shepard. There he would hone his skills of using a stone and sling to thwart off wolves from the flock. It wasn't until Saul called upon David, poured the anointed oil over his head would David become a “King”, becoming filled with the Spirit of the Lord.

     After reading the chapter, I began to ponder about the path that I have taken up to this point. A lot of the things I have done in my life have most certainly labeled me a “misfit” to my family. Tattoos, alcoholism, a child before marriage, just to name a few. However, there is a reason why I am here at this given point in time. The gifts and abilities God has granted me placed me here for a reason. There are no accidents when it comes to God's plan for our lives. God places us exactly where we need to be, we just may not see the entirety of the plan but through guidance from the Almighty that plan is revealed to us over the course of our lives. I'm starting to realize where it is that I fit into the grand scheme of things, but I know this is not permanent. God's plan for my life is on a grander scale, something I firmly believe. Everything that I am involved in is God's plan for my life, to reforge me into the man I was destined to become. Fight Club, Banquet, Bible Study, my counseling sessions, my mentor meetings, work, doctor's appointments, my time with Caleb and Zeke, everything is shaping me to glorify him in all that I do. Right now, my path is trusting in God to lead me where it is that I am to go. The biggest part of this is learning to follow through, that if I say something I am going to do it. The biggest impact to this is with the boys, and it impacts their mother as well. Months ago I wouldn't have understood this concept, being in isolation you forget what it is that you truly are meant for. Now I am slowly understanding how I fit in with all this. My role is that of a father. To encourage the boys in all that they do, to support them in all that they do, to guide them as best as I am physically able to, and to follow through on the plans we set up. A major part to this is just giving them my undivided attention. That when they are here on the weekend, they are my main focus. This is why I make a list every weekend for the upcoming weekend, be it playing games, watching movies, or creating projects, that list is there to show them I want to be involved. That I want the focus of the time I have to be solely for them. The other role I am slowly understanding is how to be supportive. This one is a lesson harshly learned, but this is how God wanted me to learn it so I adapt to his plan and accept all that lies ahead good or bad. With the boys it is to encourage them in all their activities such as building Legos, playing video games, creating simple projects, and more importantly to pray with them. Show them and teach them that they can trust in the Lord in all that they do. With her, it is helping out monetarily with support the best I am able to. It is letting her know that I am willing to give up my time and energy to help her out in whatever way I can, whatever way she is willing to let me. She may not want my time, but it is there if she needs it. And to pray for her, to lift her (and the boys as well) up to God every night giving thanks and praise for being apart of their lives. That might not mean much to some, but to me it means everything.

     Wrapped up in this package of learning to be supportive is understanding how to unconditionally love someone. It is still a hard concept to grasp, but the more time passes the more it is revealed to me of how to follow through on this idea. It is more than just “you just do it”. With everything that is circling both her and myself, regardless of the situation I am going to put her and the boys before myself, something that has taken me months to learn and it will take years to master. My time isn't just my time, it is also their time as well. Right now that means being the weekend warrior dad to the boys to give her, her brother, and her parents a break. It means making myself available to her if needed. Regardless of what happens between us, she will always have that agape form of love from me. Which means I hold no grudges, I hold no anger or hate, and that I have and will always forgive her. That our slate is and always will be clean. Friends and family alike have said that I am insane for thinking this way, for feeling this way. We put ourselves through the ringer, but I still have my belief that something good if not great and positive will come from all of this. I'm not saying that we will be together. She does not want me in her life in that way. What I am saying is that going forward, there is no reason for her not to have this from me. To live a life of Christian Action, I give her that unconditional love. I wrote about it years ago in a previous post, and it is something that I am still learning to this day. I was put in her life, the boys lives for a reason, and right now that reason is to be supportive and the weekend warrior father. To give them everything that I can, in whatever way I can, in whatever way she is willing to let me be part of her life and the boys as well. Above all this is to do it not for myself, but to glorify God in everything that I am able to give to her and the boys. I do know that things change, feelings change, people change, and that God makes the impossible possible. Only she can make the decision of how I am ultimately going to be in her life. Right now however, that is not my focus. My focus is being as supportive as much as I am capable of, and to be Dad. Everything else will happen, if it does happen, in his time and not mine. Until then I follow where I am led. I trust in his path for my life, and ask for the patience to understand his will for myself.

As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, He said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not be afraid, only believe.”

Mark 5:36 (MEV)

P.S.  Do not take this as I do not get much time with the boys.  I get an amazing amount of time with the boys.  It is a blessing every moment that I am able to spend with Caleb and Zeke.  

Iron Sharpens Iron

      Today was an awesome day all around. This morning even though I woke up late I was able to make it to the conference on time, even if I did have to haul driving there. This conference was just what I needed in my life right now. With the doctor's appointments, and getting testing scheduled it helped me find grounding in where it is in my faith. I was surrounded by other men searching for things similar to what I am. I enjoyed being there with my bible study group and taking part in the seminars, and then to come home and get the boys. This day has just been great.

      The first seminar I went to was on Fight Club. The man who created Fight Club, Jim Brown, was speaking. It was awesome hearing this man speak. He had a presence that could just grab you. One of the things that stood out from his seminar was this, “Grab the man, you grab the family. If you grab the family you grab the community. If you grab the community your grab the world.” Jim Brown spoke at length at how Fight Club transforms the lives of men. “Men are in a spiritual atrophy right now. We have lost what it means to be a “man” in society today. Fight Club helps reignite that flame within our chest,” this is something that Jim said during his seminar. Hearing this man speak, he just grabbed my attention the entire seminar. During the question and answer session after the seminar, some questions just popped in my head. “Why do I fight? Who am I fighting for?” I started a chapter of Fight Club recently. I remember when I tried to do it in the Fall, and I didn't take it seriously. I just removed myself from that Chapter because of my attitude towards it. Finding about this new Chapter, I was on the fence about it. I didn't know if I really wanted to participate or not. God thought otherwise, and made my decision for me. One of the men from my bible study called me and asked me to do Fight Club with him. Things are different this time around. The questions I asked, I answered after the seminar. I fight for my family. Caleb and Zeke, Morgen and Kelly, Mom and Jim, and her to an extent. I fight for them because it is what I need to do. I fight for them because they need me to fight for them, to become the best version of myself that I can be. Fight Club is going to work on 4 aspects of my life: Spiritual, Intellectual, Physical, and Relational. Each week I am given assignments in all these areas to carry out and complete else I get a strike. 3 strikes and I am out of the program. Going through it this time however, I have more drive than I did in the Fall. I want to complete Fight Club. I want to be at that graduation ceremony and have my family there with me standing proud of who I am trying to become. I want to complete it for them, but more importantly I want to complete it for myself. I want to complete it because I truly want to transform my life, to become the man I was meant to become.

      The second seminar I heard was former NFL quarterback Jeff Kemp. His seminar was on building the Ultimate team. A seminar on marriage. He stated in the beginning of his seminar that not only is this for married, but it was for single and divorced men as well. “When it comes to our relationship with our wives, are we being consumers or investors?” That caught my attention almost immediately. I found myself listening very intently to what this man was saying. He was using concepts from economics to describe how to strengthen our relationship with our loved one. The “consumer” mentality is where we take, and take, and take. “Being a consumer in a relationship is coming home expecting dinner to be waiting, to just sit around watching ESPN for a little bit before getting that intimacy we think we deserve. The problem, that entire time we were with our wife, we were being consumers and not investors. Did you thank her for the meal? Did you help clean up after the meal or take care of the kids? Women have this tank full of their love towards us as their husbands, and if we consume more than we invest that tank runs on empty. “ As he continued the train of thought I found myself examining who I was when it came to being and investor or consumer. For so long I thought I was investing in my relationships, but in actuality there were a lot of times where I was consuming more than I was investing. That is when the tank runs on empty, and the problems ensue within a relationship. “If you are feeling shame that's what the enemy wants. If you have guilt, that is the holy spirit telling you 'hey stupid, you need to change!!'”. Jeff was also the first man outside of Banquet to mention agape love towards someone. Showing unconditional love towards our spouse/loved one regardless of how they treat us, act towards us, speak about us. Give them love through the good and the bad. '”When you show that kind of love towards your spouse, that fills the tank. When you ask 'what can I do to help? That fills the tank a little bit more. When you do something with out having to be told what it is that needs to be done. That fills the tank. Invest in your relationship, and you we see the change. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but be an investor not a consumer.” Just hearing this man speak was awesome. It has given me a new approach towards how I will handle things going forward with her, and with whomever God decides to put in my life to be my spouse.

      This conference was well worth my time, because I gained so much more than I thought I would. “As men we are to be leaders. What do leaders do? They sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice??” is something Jim Brown said during his seminar. I sacrificed time with Caleb and Zeke for a Saturday, but what I gained in return will out weigh that more than I can ever explain. Learning to become the father I want to be, the father that I never had, the father that Caleb and Zeke deserve.  Learning to become the man God wants me to be that will eventually become a husband someday.  This seminar is just another fanning of the flames. God is putting these things in my life to help teach me what it means to let go of the past, what it means to forgive, what it means to love unconditionally, what it means to be a father. It is all about taking my time, and focusing it on investing it in others, in His word. To live my life sacrificially, and not selfishly. To be humble in all that I do, to essentially live a life of Christian Action and the rewards will be greater than I can ever dream.

     This bible verse I am going to use was something I had been searching for a while now. I have been looking in His word to describe why it is that I feel the way I do towards Caleb. He is not of my blood, but I love him as much as I love his brother Zeke. It wasn't until a member of my bible study group came back from an Iron Sharpens Iron in Wisconsin that I learned of this verse. The man from my group heard it from Alex Kendrick, one of the brothers who directed and wrote the movie “War Room”. The back ground to this verse, Kendrick's wife wanted to adopt a child and he didn't. He said they should have another baby since they (he and his wife) were both healthy adults. She didn't want to go through pregnancy again (they already have 4 kids). Kendrick prayed over the idea for a year, and in his bible he found this verse. He wrote down the day he read it, 2/14/11. Valentine's Day. The girl he and his wife would adopt, was born on 2/14/11. This is the verse that convinced Kendrick to adopt, and I think it fits perfectly for my feelings towards Caleb.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.”

John 10: 14 – 16 ESV

Good night everyone and enjoy your weekend.

Laying of Hands...

Well today I turned 32. Not really anything to celebrate, just another year that has passed that I have been able to walk this planet. This year, my birthday was rough. One of the roughest in years to be honest. I spent my day trying to fight off my anxiety as I had doctor's appointments this afternoon. I am worried about the prognosis of what is going on with my body, but I know that it is all in His hands. No matter what, everything is going to be okay.

Tuesday night I was in bible study. We were doing something different this Tuesday however since someone else was leading. It was a welcomed surprise, in fact I had hoped we would have another study like this again. We all sat in a circle facing each other, going over a series of daily devotionals that had been presented to us. On of the topics we were covering was that of prayer. One of the points that came up in the discussion is how does one pray, is there a right way to pray? The men sat and thought, pondering over this idea of “what is the right way to pray, or is there even a right way to pray?”. Then someone spoke up, “It does not matter how you do it, what matters is that you do it. Prayer changes everything. It is how we connect to God.” That stood out to me, for so long I had been wondering if how I was praying was the correct way. If that what I was praying for were the right things to be reaching out to God about. It matters not how I pray, it matters that I pray. That I lift my anxieties, my hurt, my anger, my jealousy, all of it to Him. I give it all to God, and ask for His divine wisdom in my life to help me through these issues I have. The night proceeded with many more discussions including topics of grace, forgiveness, meditation on the word, as well as other topics (I would list them but I do not have the hand out in front of me to do so.) As the night drew to an end and we started to close out in prayer, something happened. The leader of the night looked to me and said, “Mitch, would you mind sitting in the middle so we can lay our hands on you, and pray for you, over you.” Holding back tears I said, “Please do..” There a moments in your life where time can stand still and you are stuck in that moment. This was one of those moments in my life. As I sat in that chair, I felt time stop, I felt something just stir inside me. I felt the heartbeat of each and every one of the men in that room. I truly felt the Holy Spirit, and I felt it move through me. As these men laid their hands on me, as each one of them prayed over me, as I prayed for these men, something within me whispered. It was said earlier in the night by one of these men, but it sat heavy on my heart. “What did he do to those that crucified and hung Him? He forgave them….” Immediately after this I heard the lightening outside crackle. As I drove home from bible study, I knew what I needed to do.

I got home with this whisper still resonating in my heart. God knows who I am better than I do myself. He knows where, when, and how to push me in the direction He wants me to go. As I prepared for bed, I entered into my War Room. I started praying to the Almighty. Putting my whole heart into the words, they just came pouring out. Not only was I praying with God, I was speaking with Him on a personal level, as if He were sitting in the chair next to me just listening to what I had to say. “Lord, you forgave those that put you on the cross. Teach me to forgive her. Teach me and show me how to love her Lord.” He listened. God was right there in the room with me, listening to everything I was saying to Him. I had heard a sermon before about being able to “make the right call” up the Almighty and He will respond. Well apparently I had made the right call, because as I was mid sentence of lifting everything up, the most adamant prayer warrior I know called me. (This is 10:30 to 10:40ish at night). Daniel Lang, was on the other end of that call. As I picked up my cell phone, I just chuckled a little bit and hit answer. Daniel and I talked for a couple minutes. I had mentioned to him that I was in the middle of prayer when he called. He responded with, “I'm so sorry to interrupt you.” I just responded with, “Daniel don't be sorry. There is a reason you called me at this specific time. Banquet taught there are no such things as coincidences. Let me tell you what is going on right now.” The conversation continued for a little bit longer before we said our good byes. As I hung up the phone, I saw that I had received an email from Mom with scripture of encouragement for my doctor's appointment today. Even more proof that Christ was here, now, right by my side. I could feel my heart change. I could feel the Holy Spirit move within me. Reaching out and just asking for healing, asking for His amazing grace in my life, I could feel the change. Last night at that moment, I knew no matter what comes my way, everything is going to be okay. It is all in His hands. I have nothing to worry about, no reason to doubt, no reason not to forgive, and nothing to feel angry, or jealous, or envious about. He has given me every reason to love and understand, regardless of the situation. So I choose to follow His path in this regard, and not follow my own. My choice, has made all the difference in the world. That no matter what: We Get Through This. What an amazing 24 hours this has been. Just outright awesome, and scary but that is for another time to write about. Lastly, since it is my birthday I am giving a gift, not to myself but to you. You are forgiven. Our slate is clean.

Teach me to do your will

      for you are my God,

may your good Spirit

     lead me on level Ground.

Psalm 143:10

Forgiving and Moving Forward (3/10/2016)

     This is my first post in over a month. I am writing because my counselor has encouraged me to continue to journal my thoughts. I have been writing, those thoughts have been saved on my laptop and what isn't saved on my laptop is put into my prayer journal to be lifted up to Christ. I have reread some of the things I have written in the past month, and they still bring tears to my eyes. The hurt is there, but with every meeting with my counselor, my bible study group, and my mentor I am slowly healing from everything that has happened. I am moving forward one step at a time.

     Today in my counseling session we covered two very important topics. Topics which I have tried to avoid. The first topic was anger, the other was forgiveness. I will start with the later first. In bible study on Tuesday I heard an amazing definition of forgiveness. It was defined as follows: Forgiveness is when you can look at someone, say our slate is clean and I will no longer hold that against you. That is a powerful statement. When I heard it Tuesday night, it resonated within my chest. A train of thoughts came within the following days. Setting this thought process up it stems from a discussion we had in bible study a few weeks ago about God hardening Pharaohs heart and what that meant. This discussion and this past week made me think of the message she had sent me the night things ended. I had written her a letter apologizing for my mistakes, for succumbing to my addictions again, and for being so isolated the previous months among other things. I remember writing something along the lines of “Can you forgive me?” I remember in the message I received there was a sentence along the lines of “I forgive you, but...” This is where the hardening of the heart and forgiveness discussion come into play. Talking with my counselor (this is my thoughts on the matter so I could be wrong, only she can confirm/deny this) about, I don't know if she really forgave me. This train of thought lead me to realize that I haven't forgiven her either. Coming to this realization hurt, it really hurt. For so long I had been praying over her, over the situation we are in, and still I had not reached the point of forgiveness. I looked at my counselor and asked her, “Why am I not able to forgive her?” She in turn looked at me and responded, “What are you not able to forgive is the question you need to ask and answer.” I sat and thought for a minute. My reply was this, “It is because she was able to move on so fast, to just throw everything away and go on.” My hurt, anger, jealousy, and envy have become my own road block to being able to forgive her. A road block that was also encompassed with fear. Fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of not being able to move forward and let it go. “This road block can be passed with healing, but you can't force healing it happens in its own time. My heart tells me that in the near future there will come a time where everything is brought up again between you two, and that will be the moment you will be able to look at her with out feeling guilty or shameful and say to her with your heart, 'I forgive you'. When that happens, you two will be able to talk with out those previous feelings and truly start repairing the relationship in whatever means God has planned for the both of you,” is what my counselor responded with. I spoke with my Mom after the session with my counselor, and she had this to say “That is twice in one week you have had major discussions in regards to forgiveness. Mitchell, God is working in both your lives, and it is going to happen. I don't know when, but I feel that it is going to happen and it is going to happen soon.” This has been heavy on my heart for the last couple hours. Working on letting go of her, healing, and moving forward has been the single hardest things I have had to do in my life, it is even more difficult than having put Dad in the ground. In time I know I will be able to forgive her. Each prayer lifted, each meeting with my counselor, each meeting with my mentor, every Tuesday night in bible study, and church service I attend brings me closer to becoming healed. This process of being reforged is helping move forward in positive direction in this journey called life.

     Anger. It is apart of who I am as a person. There have been times where I was identified as “the angry guy” by the people close to me. That has been one of the labels I am seeking to change in my life. Unfortunately, anger still resides within me. Today I learned there are four stages to anger within any given person. Warning bells to let you know that something is wrong within yourself. 1) Frustration/Irritation, 2) “Mad”, 3) “Angry” | 4) Rage. The first stage my counselor defined as you can be sitting across from that person and talk with them but you are frustrated by their presence or their thoughts/opinions. The second stage is an elevated form of the first, however the body starts to tense up. This is where people fiddle with their phones, become more anxious, fidgeting as well. The third stage is an elevated form of the second, however the person has become more anxious and needs to move around a lot more, getting up and out of a chair, or quick reactions with hand movements. This stage is where the fight or flight really starts to come into play. The fourth stage is where you cross over the line, you lose control of your actions and can cause physical harm not only to yourself but others as well. The first three stages are voluntary, we as people can move up and down through these stages but we can recognize that there is a problem. The fourth stage, is crossing the boundary and is involuntary reactions. Hearing it like this, I now see it in my life, I can see multiple times where I have traveled up and down these stages, and sadly have hit “rage” several times. The difference between the “old me” and who I am trying to become, I am starting to recognize when I am in any one of the three stages. (Side Note: I will never allow myself to go into a rage again. I have seen the aftermath and it is scary. Never again.) The best example of this that comes to mind was a couple weeks ago when she and I were messaging each other in regards to the boys. I was getting frustrated, even mad at a lot of the things that were being said on her part. I found myself just writing in my phone, and then I looked down and really read what I was about to send. I was appalled that I had these thoughts, let alone had actually typed them out and almost hit send. As I said to my counselor and my Mom, “What I had written was pure hate. It would have burned any bridge that there is between us and then some. If there is to be any hope of healing between us, this message would have destroyed that instantly. As I looked at my phone I realized, I can't send this. There is no way in this world I could send that message. I had to delete it fast, and send something like 'Ok', just to get a message out there.” Before when I was going through this, I would have just sent it with out a care. No regard for her feelings, no regard for the words spoken. I would have just lashed out, said whatever came to my mind and not cared for the repercussions that would ensue. Now I do my best to keep a guarded tongue/mind, to not let emotions take control over my thoughts. Keep things simple, and then delete the messages after wards. This is hard, because the “old me” rears his head and wants to say things that I know I can't, but I force that part of me back down. My anger comes paired with jealousy as well as envy. I have created my own road block to my healing, preventing me from truly forgiving her, and lastly moving forward in life. With the help of my counselor, healing is going to take place, not in my time but in God's.

     This is where I need to learn to fully trust God, where in my prayers I lift her up to God and just ask “Lord, show me and teach me how to love this woman.” It has become routine saying this every night, and it helps. God is with me always, so I give her over to Him. God will watch out, for not only her but myself as well. God will also bring healing to both of us in His time, not ours. If it is part of His plan, God will bring us restoration, but in His time if ever at all. I know going through this that there are times when it is a constant struggle just to get through the day with out breaking down, but knowing He is with me and having access to His word has made this time of reforging bearable. So I confide in the Lord, knowing that Christ will strengthen me, and that Christ will truly mend me, heal the wounds into scars. Those scars in turn will be lesson learned filled with the wisdom of Christ himself. I do not know when I will actually write in my blog again, but know I am doing well and things are finally starting to move from mountains and canyons to hills and valleys if ever so slowly. Trust, and patience. All in His time. And so I leave you all with this;

“In God, whose word I praise- In God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

Psalm 56:4 (NIV)