November 1st...

     One thing that Pastor Bob Jennings said to me was this, "I want you to focus on a date, let the Holy Spirit do its work.  When you reach that date, look back at how much you have been blessed, because right now you are in the storm.  God will give you what you seek, but in His time.  Remember, trust in Him, believe in Him, and above all pray.  God will listen."  As the title of this post says, something stuck out of my mind about November 1st.  Between now and then things are going to change in some way, shape, or form.  I fully believe it (I even have a post it note above my old computer monitor with the date written in bold letters on it).  So this will be my last post (I know I have said that before but today was too good to not write about) until November.  The Holy Spirit is moving through me in amazing ways, and I fully trust in God to bring me what it is that I seek.

     Last night after I dropped the boys off, once again I found myself in prayer.  Things seemed different this time around.  As I was praying I was getting these chills going up and down my spine, like I was praying for the right things making the right call to God so to speak.  I felt truly connected to the Creator and He was listening in.  A little epiphany occurred again.  Not on the scale that I have had previously, but it was still there.  As I was praying, God just spoke inside me.  "Things will work out... trust in me."  I firmly believe this.  Removing the distractions of my life has granted me an amazing connection with God, that I can't even begin to explain it.  God wouldn't give me this test again if He did not want me to fully trust in Him.  Last time I went through this I had doubts, serious doubts about the outcome.  I didn't know if I was going to end up alone.  I didn't know if I was going even be able to overcome what had happened.  This time, I know the answer.  God is in control of all of this, He already knows the outcome.  This test, I barely passed last time, if not for my mentor I would not have gotten through it.  This time, I am going to pass it with flying colors.  My mentor, my counselor, the men in my bible study group, the people from banquet, they are all my prayer warriors.  They are what helps strengthen me when I feel my weakest, they help me endure everything that is being launched my way, they bolster my faith that God is for me not against me.  I firmly believe that God will repair this and bring restoration.  In His time.

     Today was an amazing day for me.  I woke up this morning feeling different.  I had no control, God had it all in his hands.  I picked up the boys this morning and brought them to church with me.  The joy I felt.  Here I was, the new me, helping usher these amazing little men towards the amazing grace that is Christ.  As I dropped Caleb and Zeke off in their respective areas, I just felt this huge smile come over my face.  I am doing it, and I am doing it right.  It just amazes me how far I have come in such a short time, and that Caleb and Zeke want to be with me on this journey.  (Well Caleb still isn't a fan of church but I keep reminding him, "Give it a chance buddy, trust me its gonna be awesome!!") I moved into the area where the adults worship, and I just felt these chills come over me again.  God was with me, at my side.  He is guiding me in the right direction, this was reaffirmed when I saw Gary Germann.  He looked at me and just said, "Wow.  There is something different about you.  The Holy Spirit is alive in you like I've never seen.  You will be a beacon and others will flock to you.  Keep the faith Mitchell, things are already changing and you don't even realize it."  To be told I am a beacon of faith,  that, that was beyond amazing.  I have been called many things, most of them bad, but through it all for this man in Christ to look at me and see that within me, just wow.  The service was the conclusion of the sermon series on being a Christian.  I felt chills during the entire service,  I am in the right place at the right time, God is truly guiding my life to His will.  I have hope, and where there is hope there is faith, and where there is faith miracles happen.  The Holy Spirit is moving through me in ways that I yet do not understand.  All of this is His works through me, and my unfailing trust in God.  Glory to Him!!

     Lastly, I found out that I am going to be a table leader for banquet in the spring.  I am overly excited to begin preparations for that weekend in April.  I know the miracles that come from banquet, I am one of them.  I am honored to be part of it, to help guide these men into a new spiritual awakening in their lives.  The work the men and women do through Christ during banquet lights fires that were once dormant or even extinguished.  I am truly blessed to be apart of it.  God has me moving in the right direction, and soon he will turn this storm into a calm current.  I believe this.  The Holy Spirit is already at work, I know this because of my getting a job so that I can provide for my family and myself.  The Holy Spirit will bring repair and restoration, that too I firmly believe.  Lastly, the Holy Spirit will continue to use me as a beacon to attract others to the amazing grace that is Christ.  Everything is in His time.  Thanks be to God!!

    I look forward to writing again in November.  The Holy Spirit will continue to work through me, and I will continue to draw closer to Christ everyday.  I am going to stay in prayer always, and I believe God will right everything.  I trust.  I believe.  I am strengthened even when I am weary.  I fight for those that I love.  God is in control. Amen!!!



Psalm 139: 7 - 12
Where can I go from your Spirit?
     Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
     if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
     if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
     your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
      and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
     the night will shine like the day,
     for darkness is as light to you.

Being Thankful...

     This is going to be a short post.  I really don't have much to say currently.  After tonight I am going to be removing myself from this blog and everything else until a future date undetermined yet.

     Being thankful is something we should all strive to be.  I am learning everyday new things that I should and am thankful for.  The best of these everyday is the presence of God in my life.  Without my Creator guiding me I would not be on the right path in life.  He guides my every step, every decision, and answers in kind.  The answers I seek aren't always what I am looking for, but He knows what is best for my life.  I am thankful for the boys.  They are beyond amazing.  I am excited for the future plans that I have with them.  New experiences, new sights to see, just awesome all around.  I am thankful for my job.  It has given me the opportunity to prove my worth as an employee, and the guys around the office are already impressed by the work I am able to pump out.  This new job also gives me the ability to provide for my family, something I constantly pray over.  I am overly blessed that God put this job in my life.  Glory to Him.  I am thankful for my friends and family, with out them I wouldn't be in this place in my life.  The constant out pouring of support mesmerizes me.  I am thankful for my mentor and my bible study group.  These men are teaching me how to live a more Christian life, a life that pleases God in every aspect of my being.  These men have an amazing positive influence in my life, and I look forward to continuing to grow with them.  I am thankful for my church.  Each service is a blessing in disguise, and I absolutely enjoy hearing the pastor talk.  Things are on the upswing.  I look forward to the people God is going to put in my life, the messages I am going to receive, the prayers that are going to get answered, and growing closer to Christ over these next months.  Christ is with me, He is for me, and will protect me from all that would do me harm.   I surrender it all to Him.  Glory to Him on highest.  I am redeemed!!!!!!!!!!!



"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed

  

Destination: Unknown...

     Last night was the first night in weeks that i have been able to sleep through an entire night with out waking up several times.  I feel rested, something that is welcomed.  As I woke up this morning though I had some troubling thoughts come across my mind.  As I sit here writing this, I know it is all in the hands of my Creator.  He is in control, I am not.

     This week I started my new job.  I am ever thankful that the Lord has put this opportunity in my life.  This new job is giving me the ability to provide for my family finally.  I have prayed constantly over this for the last several months and it is finally coming true.  The Lord is doing some amazing things in my life right now.   Working is helping get rid of the anxiety I had.  I am more focused on performing at my job than I am worrying about other things.  In a sense I am trying to prove to my coworkers that I am a valuable employee.  They are seeing it too when it comes to my inspection abilities. For example yesterday morning we worked a crane runway, and with me helping the inspection we were able to bust it out faster than what we had estimated.  It also helped that the runway did not have that many findings on it which makes it frustrating for us as contractors because we were hired to find the problems,  Still, it was good to be up in the lift again inspecting.  Its as if I had never left Orbital, just picking up where I had left off.  All thanks to Him.

     The boys stayed the night last night, and it was simply amazing.  I love having them here.  Even now as I write this, Caleb is doing his homework and Zekey is playing with Legos.  These boys mean everything to me.  They truly turn my house into a home when they are here.  It makes the week some what bearable knowing they are going to be here on the weekend and that I am going to be able to spend time with them.  My favorite thing to do with them is pray with them before they go to sleep.  A couple weeks ago Caleb had asked me, "What is a divorce?" I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say.  The only thing that came out was, "it is when two people who love each other can't come together under God to solve their problems and become a better couple.."  That wasn't me speaking to Caleb, that was the Holy Spirit answering that question.  I was still stunned that he would ask me that.

     I met with my mentor on Thursday morning since I had the day off.  It was a good meeting, one of those meetings where time seems to stop and a lot of things get covered.  The thing he said to me that stood out the most was this, "You and Emily never developed a mechanism in your relationship to recognize when there were problems, a stopping point to go 'wait, something is wrong and we need to talk about it'.  When that happens, there is going to be a break down in communication and that leads to where you both are now."  I see it.  There were times that I just let things slide and never said anything when I should have spoken up.  Every time she held back or I held back, there was a breakdown in communication.  Those breakdowns just piled up and lead to things as they are now.

    Lastly, God answered one of my prayers this week again.  I got the call I had been waiting for, I am going to be a team member for the Men's banquet coming up in April.  I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be part of this opportunity to serve God.  I keep asking for these things to participate in to draw closer to Him and He keeps providing for me.  The presence Christ has in my life is simply amazing.  More and more each day I can feel myself drawing closer to Him.  He is in total control of my life.  Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, something had a grip on my mind.  Once again I found myself in prayer, asking for guidance in my life.  "Be still and let me work.. wait and you will see..I've got this"  These are the answers I got immediately.  God wants me to have patience, to not take control over my life again.  I know what happens when I take control, and it ends in bad.  God knows my heart, I just need to let Him do the work I can't take the reigns.  Trust and patience.  Focus on growing closer to Christ, focus on the boys, focus on the job.  He gives me the strength to fight, and the courage to endure.  God is in control.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

An Epiphany!!

     I am writing this post because this thought, this awesome understanding happened as I was trying to sleep tonight.  I've pulled some insane hours in the last 3 days, but tonight something happened.  Something awesome.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and my trust in God, well it has never been greater.   So here goes....


      Tonight as I was driving home from work I felt something happen inside me.  At first I thought this was a bad thing.  I didn't understand it at all, I was confused and conflicted.  As I was coming out of prayer and getting ready for bed, I just asked God, "what is this I am feeling??.."  I laid in bed just an empty mind, just a blank slate.  As I laid there it slowly began to come to me what unconditional love is.  These feelings and thoughts came rushing through me.  Things I have never really grasped the concept of before.  Laying there all I could do is laugh.  Then I needed to do something, I needed to read.  Not just a book, or a pamphlet, no I needed to read something extremely personal that was written for me alone.  As I rushed downstairs, my heart was racing.  This time it wasn't from anxiety, it was from excitement because of the understanding of Gods awesomeness.  I reread a letter I was given when I went to IDGB.  

     The last time I had read this letter, my feelings were of hurt, pain, sorrow, of loss.  Just trying to grasp what was going on.  As I read the letter, just this big smile came on my face and I started laughing.  God had given me the answer, she wrote about it in this letter, I even wrote about it in a previous post from a long time ago.  The answer: "No matter what happens, you'll love her.  You put each other through the grinder but always come out on top.  Everything we do is a necessary step but in the end it all works out.  The ends will justify the means, and something good will come from this."  Wow, that is an answer.

     I asked, and God blessed me with His infinite wisdom.  My trust in Him through all this has never faulted.  I have been in this position before, where I am right now, but this is how I know things are changing, because being in constant prayer God is giving me the answers I need in His time.  Just like tonight.  Now, does this mean things are going to instantly change with her. No.  Right now, she lives her life and I live mine.  She is doing what she wants, and I am doing what I want.   There is a lot of hurt, anger, and mistrust on both sides of the equation.  I know however that things change, He makes them change.  Something my counselor said on Monday when I met with her was this, "God saw that you and Emily were compatible, if He did not then Zeke never would have been born."   I believe that things will change, that He will make the change in His time not ours.  One thing my mentor always reminds me is, "God will give you 3 answers. Yes. No. Wait."   Right now the answer God is giving me is wait.

      Wait.  This is where what my counselor, and several others have said comes into play.  This is the time where I focus on myself, growing in my relationship with Christ, and the boys.  God already has the answer to the outcome of this, and He will give it to me when I am ready.  "I'm not saying that you and Emily don't have a future.." is another thing my counselor said on Monday.  My future right now is one giant question mark.  Awesome!  Right now however, Christ is with me constantly.  I am in awe of His awesome presence in my life.  He has given me the opportunity to provide for my family.  He has shown me how to pray.  He is going to give me the opportunity to not only serve Banquet again but Night to Shine as well (haven't gotten a call on this but I feel its coming).  Christ is with me right now as I am writing this, I know this because Daniel Lang one of the most devout Christians I know called me as I was writing this.  All signs that He is here right beside me.  This feeling is fantastic.  Do Emily and I have a future together? It is possible, but He will provide that answer in His time.  Right now Christ is walking beside me on my path guiding me in the right direction.  The job.  The volunteer opportunities.  Bible Study.  Positive Christian men in my life.  Church.  Caleb. Zeke.  Everything is changing, because of my unfailing trust in Him.  Christ will give me the strength to breakdown these walls between Emily and myself, in a way that benefits us both but more importantly that puts Christ above all.  Christ will give me the endurance to continue along this path.  Christ will give me patience to wait for His answers.  Christ will give me my armor to protect me everyday that I fight for my family.  He is with me, and he is for me, nothing can stand in my way.   I fight.  I trust.  I will be victorious.


De Colores!!!.

The Same Test Twice...

     Having just come back from a Banquet meeting, I am feeling like writing tonight.  I don't know what will come out with this post but here goes.

     The situation I am in is exactly the same it was 3 years ago when things ended with Emily the first time.  God is giving me the same test twice because even though I did things differently this time, I didn't do them to please God.  God is giving me this test again, but this time He wants me to fully trust in Him to provide the outcome.  The first time I took this test, I was doing it all myself.  I was trying to get answers my own way, not through Him.  God said, "let's try this one more time.." So here I am back where I started 3 years ago.  Relationship ends, month and a half later I start a new job.  

      Things are different this time around however.  This time, I am constantly in prayer.  Having attended the banquet meeting tonight 2 of the most spiritual ladies I have ever met (Karen Noble and Theresa Jennings) were there for me as I was having trouble dealing with things.  "Fix yourself, worry about yourself and not her.  You need to be healthy because you have 2 little boys that need you.  What will be will be, but stay in prayer.  Stabilize your job, focus on the boys, and whatever happens will happen. God will give you what you seek in His time."  These ladies comforted me in my time of need and I felt that God was speaking through them directly during the service.  I get the hint.

        I started counselling so I could help cope with the loss in my life.  I started counselling so I could become healthy for the boys.  I started counselling so that I can finally take a step forward, and in a direction that pleases Him.  God wants me healthy.  The boys need me healthy.  The old me is dead.  The new me, the man of prayer, the Christian man fully trusts in God.  

     God answered three of my prayers this week.  The first being the job.  God saw that this new opportunity will allow me to provide for Emily and the boys.  The second was that he is going to put me on the Spring Banquet team.  This is something I have been praying over for the last few weeks that I might be able to serve Him through banquet, and help change the live(s) of those whom are attending.  The third prayer God answered was how to pray.  Through Bob Jennings, I have found a new prayer to lift up to God.  A prayer of peace during this storm in my life.  God may not give me the answer I seek, but he will turn the raging sea in to a calm wave.  To be honest, I feel better than I have in the last few weeks.   God has provided for me, and through Him I will be able to provide for my family.  God will give me the opportunity to serve banquet, and lastly God will give me the opportunity to serve Him through my gifts of prayer and thanksgiving.  Come what may, God will provide.   God knows my heart, and come what may I am starting to feel peace about everything that has happened.  I do believe that in time, Emily and I will be able to communicate again, but that will happen in His time not mine.  Right now my focus is my new job, spending time as the weekend warrior father again, and constantly staying in prayer so that He may guide my life in a manner He chooses not I.  Things are already changing.  This is why I fight the darkness Satan is trying to throw at me.

Psalm 23: 6

Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.           

An Open Invitation..

     Having just come back from church a little bit ago, I can write this while my thoughts are still fresh from the message I heard.  The sermon series right now that is being preached is "Christianity", and what it means to be a christian.

    The lessons that are being taught from this sermon series are coming from the book of Acts.  The point being made through out this book is the transformation of people coming to Christ from their pagan beliefs.  How Jesus first had his disciples, then they became over 100 followers, and then eventually reaching to the point of of 3000 followers of Christ just after Peter gave a sermon to the masses.  All it took was an invitation just to listen.  The head pastor this morning relayed it in his sermon how one person from the congregation spoke to a another person, and that person in turn told his family.  The congregation soon began to swell, and then by reaching out to specific man, the congregation went from just under 30 to over 150 in numbers.  Just by invitation alone.

     During the sermon I was reminded of how mom kept inviting me IDGB, and how I would always reject her saying, "I don't need this.." or "I don't want this..." or "yeah maybe next time..."  when in reality it is exactly what I needed in my life.  Mom was inviting me to learn how to accept Christ in my life and start living my life in a different way, His way and not mine.  Finally Gary Germann asked both myself and Emily to go.  I got the hint, and accepted the invitation.  The weekend would be the most transforming in my life to date.   However the fire that was lit inside me from that weekend, slowly faded being shrouded by darkness.  I even spoke at Banquet, somewhat rekindling the fire, but it still became a dim light because of my isolation.  Then, after my relationship ended, I accepted His invitation once again.  I knew I could no longer live my life my way.  Time to learn how to do it His.

     When this sermon series started,  a few days before I had asked Emily to attend church with me.  I was of course turned away, no reason given just a simple "No but thanks".  As I walked into the building that Sunday I had a wounded heart, here I was asking the person who wants nothing to do with me to attend church with me.  Well, as I moved towards my seat I picked up the bulletin, and right there in front of me was an Invitation.  I chuckled a little bit, but I just looked at it.  This was God trying to tell me something.  That invitation is meant for somebody, I don't know who yet but in His time I will know.

      Through all of this I am learning to put on my armor once again.  Things are rough, and there are nights that I can't sleep because of my anxiety, but I know that this too shall pass.  Everything I do now is preparing me to become a better man, a disciple, and eventually a husband.  In His time God will provide, until then my focus is on the boys, bible studies, reading and understanding His word, the volunteering opportunities I had signed up for the next couple weeks, and of course getting a jump start on my career.   One step at a time.. Patience. Trust. Endurance. Strength.  


     

Psalm 42:11 (NIV)
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Maximum Overdrive...

     This is going to be my last post for a while.  Today was extremely hard, and I came to the realization that I can no longer control my anxiety, my depression, nor do I know how to take a step forward anymore.  I feel like I am spinning in circles trying to reach out to a hand that will not be extended to me.  So here goes...

      Today, my anxiety went full throttle.  I completely broke down in a matter of 10 minutes of waking up this morning.  The constant rejection of employers, the constant rejection in my life, the loneliness, my depression, all fired up at once.  I wrote a letter to my mom this morning, it boiled down to this.  I need help. Professional help.  I am being held as a prisoner to my own thoughts.  I am constantly alone trying, struggling to figure it all out.  I am destroying my own mentality, my own physical health, and emotionally I am beyond unstable.  I can't seem to wrap my head around the loss in my life.  First Dad, then Steph, now Emily.  My grip of reality has slipped completely and I am in a free fall.  Satan waged his war, this time he won.  I have no sense of self worth, I have no sense of what it is I am supposed to do, and worst of all I want to just numb my pain away.  It is so much easier to be numb, to not feel anything.  I hate the person I have become, I hate being labeled, and worst of all when I look in the mirror all I see is failure.  I fear the boys look at me the same way, as just a failure.  I can't control my emotions, I can't control my obsessive behaviors, I no longer am in control of who it is I am.  I know who it is I want to become, but I can't feasibly see it as being possible.  I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, of the rejection.  I've been rejected for so long that I have forgotten the feeling of being accepted.  I want to be strong, I want to be able to say I can endure, that I will overcome this all, I want to say that, but I can't.   I hate this prison that has been built up around me.  I want to break free, but I keep just getting locked away.  I want to grab a bottle and just drink till I no longer have feelings or thoughts. I want to just put on my headphones and get lost in a game.  I want to just go lift so I can have blank thoughts filled with the sounds of the bar being racked and unracked. I want to just be numb.

     I put on a facade of strength when I am with Zeke and Caleb.  I am trying to be the father they deserve.  They need me, whole, healthy, strong, and engaged in their lives.  This is why I can't drink.  This is why I can't game.  They are why I refuse to pick up the bottle or play games.  Not being numb comes at a cost, its is the prison which has been constructed around myself.  In order for me to be healthy I need help. I am doing this for not only myself but the boys.

    My mom told me to do something today.  "I want you to have a dream, I know its hard right now, but I want you to find your dream and follow it.."   I have a dream.  Its one day to come home to my boys, to my family.  In His time. Until then I fight the darkness that has surrounded me for so long.  I fight the demons locking me in my prison.  I fight the rejection, the loneliness, the labels, the whispers. I fight for control of my soul and my sanity.  I fight because they need me to. I fight because I want to.  I fight because its all I can do.   Trust. Patience. Endurance.  I will over come every label, every rejection, and break free of this prison.  I will overcome because God is with me. So I don my armor once again, battered, broken, and bruised. I don my armor so I can fight, so I can overcome, so I can be finally victorious.  In His time......




"We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength."  -Charles Stanley


Ephesians 6:10-19  New International Version (NIV)
The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God,so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvationand the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

Gods' blessings and in case I don't see you; good afternoon, good evening, and good night......