An Unexpected Journey...

     Well it is that time of year again, where the year ends and the new one begins.  As I reflect on the events of this past year, I see happiness, I see ambition, but I also see pain, hurt, and loss.  A lot of people like to use the New Year as a "New Beginning" in their lives.  That is just an excuse, when in truth at any given point one can have a "New Beginning".  There will be the influx of people at the gym, people going on diets, people giving up habits, new relationships forming, old ones ending, just a barrage of things happening.  I start my year on a somber note, but have hope towards the future and what it may hold.  

"I want you to write who you are and where it is you are going.."

     I am a father to two incredible young boys.  I am a man that has recently rediscovered his faith having been in the shadow of darkness for so long.  I am alone, but I am not lonely.  I am hurting, but I am not in pain.  I am a man who was lost, but is now found.  

    

     I am going on a journey that is tailored for me alone.  God set forth this path in my life, me and none other.  The journey ahead will be hard, if not near impossible but with God at my side I will overcome any and all obstacles in my way.  Only through Him will I be able to accomplish anything in my life.  My journey is that of trust, patience, endurance, and strength.  God will guide me, and I will follow.

     My mentor told me to write that in our last meeting.  Everything I have done so far was to try and get back what I once had.  I was doing it my way, the only way I have known how to do things.  I know that this is wrong, and it will lead me back right to where I was when this all started.  I find myself seeking out, reaching out, acting on my own behalf.  The answers I am looking for aren't there because I haven't truly given it all onto Him.  I find myself just spiraling down towards the beginning again even when I have made so much progress.  The answer I seek however can only come from Him.  For now, I am going to forgo the thought of dating/marriage.  God knows I am not ready for that kind of commitment yet, and in His time things will become restored or I will start fresh with someone new but all in His time not mine.  I am going to remove myself from all forms of social media.  Social media is a horrible distraction in my life, and if there is to be healing or any sort of restoration I need to remove it so I can focus  I am going to just focus on developing my relationship with the boys.  Learning more to follow through with them, spending time whenever I can with them, and helping them along their own paths towards discipleship.  I am going to focus on getting established in a career so that I can provide support for myself and Emily as well as the boys.  Lastly, I am going to focus on embracing the Word, and putting my trust in Gods' hands.  Only he can bring me what it truly is that I am seeking, I'll know it when it arrives but until then I plan on just focusing on His word and leading by example.  I do hope for healing, and restoration but all in His time.  God has prepared me for all of this, and everything I do now will be a test of faith. Through Him I will change my label.  God strengthens me.  God protects me, and above all God loves me. For now, that is all I need.  Trust and Patience.

     Normally I would end these posts with a note from Scripture, but this time I'm going to end it with the prayer I said last night, and have said in the past:

     Dear Lord, I just want to thank you for today and the time I was able to spend with the boys.  Lord I lift the boys up to you, I ask that you light a fire within themselves to discover a passion for your Word and its awesome power.  Lord I lift up Emily, I just ask that you light a fire within her as you have within myself.  Lord I ask that you show me how to love these boys, teach me how to love these boys.  Lord I ask you show me how to love Emily, teach me how to love her.  Lord I ask that you strengthen me because I am weak, love me because I am unwanted.  Lord I ask you give me the courage to let go, or give me the endurance to hold on.  Lord I ask that you bring healing.  Lord I lift these things up to you, and just ask for your guidance so that I may come closer to you.  I ask these things in Your name.      Amen.

Are you looking for a New year's Resolution, or a New Life Revolution?

May it a good year everyone....

My Purpose My Calling...

      This post stems from a sermon that I heard on Sunday and just now coming back from my weekly bible study as well as conversations with friends, and my mentor.  It is a realization that has taken me so long to figure out, but the Holy Spirit has spoken through these men and women for me to understand what it is that I am, and who it is I am supposed to become.  Now that it has finally dawned on me, almost as if it was an epiphany, I am thankful that I have the understanding that I did not before.  This is my purpose, this is my calling.

      Christmas is a time of year that can bring tremendous amounts of happiness, but there is also a flip side to that coin where it also can bring hurt, loneliness, stress, anger, etc.  I was listening to a sermon Sunday morning while cleaning up for the boys to come over, and I found myself just in tune to the word.  "God gives us a calling. It is a customized calling, tailored only to you."  Those words took seed into my heart.  Slowly I began to think, "What is it that I am called for? What is my purpose?"  As Christmas with the boys came and went, I still found myself just thinking on these two questions.  "The closer you are to Him, your calling will find you.  If you don't have a relationship with Christ, you will not find your calling."   Words from the same sermon that also started to take root.  My heart was being opened in ways that I did not realize it could be.  These words spoken just stoked the fire within me.  The questions were being asked constantly.  "God will show you the need, and he will show you how to fulfill the need."  This was spoken by one of the men at my bible study, truly being moved by the Holy Spirit.  I was fully attentive, and that is when it hit.  The answer to my questions, they had been right in front of my face this entire time.  My purpose, my calling is simple. Caleb, Zeke, Emily.  You see Satan was taking pride in keeping me in darkness, not wanting me to come to this realization.  Shifting my focus from my family to games, to lifting, to focus on the rejection that I was constantly dealt in my life.  Once I decided that enough was enough and truly said, "No, this is not who I am, this is not who I want to be.." well Satan did not appreciate that so he launched his attacks, first the loss of a relationship, then trying to keep me a prisoner of my thoughts, then trying to take Jim.  Satan waged a war, won a skirmish or two, but did not win the war.  God is with me, God has shown me, God has let me begin to grasp my purpose.  Let me tell you, I feel a weight lifted off my chest.

      "I am them, and they are me."

     While eating with Dan this evening before bible study I said this to him.  I see so much of myself in the boys. Through God I was able to understand why it is I am in their life.  My purpose, my calling is to be a father to them.  Growing up I had a father, I loved Dad, but Dad never understood what it meant to be a father.  I understand now through Him how I can be greater to the boys than my father was to me.  Caleb is not of my blood, but I love him as though he were.  Zeke is of my blood, and I love these boys equally.  That will never change.   I see two young boys searching for something they have partially had.  There were times where I was on point, and then there were times I was not.  Never again will I allow that to happen.  In the last month I have seen incredible change in the boys.  Only through His eyes have I been able to see this awesome change.  Before I would always hear, "can we go home now?", they didn't want to spend time around me cause I wasn't there, I was too distracted by the things being thrown at me; thoughts and feelings of rejection, of constant worry, of hurt, of anger, of loneliness that I was missing what was right in front of me.  Now the joy I see on their faces when I am there, when I am giving them what I never had, its just incredible.  Zeke greeting me at the door with "DADDY!!!", Caleb asking earnestly, "are we gonna stay the night soon?", I see the change by just becoming involved.  This is something Emily tried to nail home, but it just wouldn't take for which I am sorry for.  God would eventually open my eyes, in His time.  I am ever thankful for the awakening that has occurred, but this is no credit to myself. All credit goes to God.  I can't change the fact I wasn't truly there in the past, but what I can do is change the present and the future.  This is the path God has set before me, to walk hand in hand with the boys along this journey towards discipleship.  They are my purpose, my calling.

      What happened between Emily and myself was bound to happen.  I simply didn't understand her needs, and well this is the repercussion of my failure in understanding.  Through Him I am able to understand it now.  I understand the relationship she seeks, it is the same thing that I seek; a relationship based on faith.  My sinful nature prevented a true relationship from forming between us.  An understanding gained, but at great cost.  This is the path God has set for her and I.  My mentor asks me, "are you keeping the lines of communication open?"  I am, by not talking to her because I know the pain and hurt that comes from my words to her right now.  There have been times that I have wanted to reach out to her to say, "look I've changed..", or "hey things are pretty rough right, can I see you..", or "I just wanted to tell you.."  I'd like to reach out, but right now isn't the time or if there will ever be a time.  This is where patience and trust in God comes in.  Through Him I will learn patience and wait for the right time to reach out.  Through Him I will trust that the path we are on will bring restoration to something greater than what was.  Not just start another chapter, but start an entirely different book where God is the author.  What I seek won't come from my eyes however, they will come from His.  I'd like to believe that she and I can truly start anew, but I also understand that this may not be His plan for her and I.  I do know my feelings for her are greater than that I have ever had for any other woman, so I trust in God to bring restoration to her and I in what ever manner He sees fit; be it just a mother and father connected through two amazing boys or in the covenant of marriage.  I will love her unconditionally, with no expectation in return.  I will do my best to provide in what manner I can.  And through Him I will seek to change my label, but in His time not mine.  Patience and Trust.  

      So this is my purpose, my calling.  I am a father.  Caleb and Zeke are my boys.  God will teach me and show me how to love them.  Like with the boys God will teach me and show me how to love Emily.  God has prepared me for this.  Through Him I will change my label.  Through Him I will gain patience and understanding.  Through Him I will trust that healing and restoration will come.  In His time, not mine.  Make it a good week everyone...  

     "so that you may live a life worthy of Lord and please him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light."

Colossians 1: 10-12

The Calling: Pastor Gene Tanner

The Little Whispers..

     Now that Christmas has come and gone, I can say that for me this has been one of the roughest I could ever remember.  Evil came at my family in full force, it won a battle or two but it did not win the war it waged.  Morgen and Kelly are optimistic about their future.  Jim finally came home from the hospital this afternoon.  Mom is a beacon of faith that just amazes me beyond all belief. Chelle and her family lost a loved one, but she was returned to the loving arms of Dan on Christmas Eve.  Sally is working two jobs, but is thankful for being able to make ends meet.  For me, I am thankful I was able to have a job interview, I am thankful I was able to give time to the VNA Hospice (the place where Dad had passed) on Christmas Day and then have an awesome home cooked meal surrounded by friends.  Today I am thankful that I was able to have the boys' Christmas and see the joy on their faces opening presents, spending time with Morgen, Kelly, and my godparents.  Evil came at my family with a full frontal assault, and though we have been battered and bruised, we all emerged victorious.  All because of our trust in God.  

      I was listening to a sermon on Christmas night from my former youth pastor (I will post a link to the sermon at the bottom of this post, its a great message).  At the 27 minute mark he says something which I believe to be entirely true.  "I believe that Satan whispers in our ear with rational thoughts, not irrational thoughts.  I believe you and I are too smart, we're too smart, when Satan whispers crazy stuff we go, 'that's not true, there's no way, back off..' But I think what happens, I think Satan comes and speaks with rational thoughts."  This is how Satan can fuel our fear, or fuel our addictions, or fuel our anxieties.  It is a simple as a friend going, "let's go to the bar.." when they know I don't drink anymore.  Or when someone goes "have you played that new champion?" knowing that I no longer game.  It is that simple, but I want to take it a little further than what Pastor Shawn said.  I believe these thoughts from friends, family, loved ones, or acquaintances, take root in the deep recess of your mind.  Similar to Inception, it slowly comes to fruition where whomever said something to plant that seed, Satan in turn makes you believe that it was you who had the original thought, not the devil himself.  He manipulates the thought to his own plan, to easily take you down.  "All my enemies whisper together against me, they imagine the worst for me, saying, 'A vile disease has afflicted him; he will never get up from the place where he lies.'  Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who has shared my bread, has turned against me." (Psalm 41: 7-9).  It doesn't even have to be spoken, it can be something read.  If it has a way to enter your mind, Satan can get a hold of it and turn it against you entirely but make it seem as if it was you all along whom generated the thought and not an outside source that was manipulated.  

      God gives us tools to help combat these whispers.  It is our choice if we decide to equip the tools or leave them scattered on the ground.  "Let's go to the bar.."  "Nah not tonight..maybe some other time.." "Hey did you play that new champion.."  "Sorry man, haven't played anything in a month.." "Hey haven't seen you at the gym, everything alright?"  "Yeah, everything is good.  Just need to discover my reason for lifting again.."  It all lies in the choices we make to help combat these whispers.  Some of us have been falling victim to the whispers for so long that we don't know what the right or wrong choice is.  This becomes our opportunity to learn what the right choice is.  To ask ourselves as christian men and women, "Does this glorify God?"  "Is this what He would want of me?"  Those two simple questions can define whether you make the right or wrong choice, if you will listen to the whisper or if you will answer to a higher calling.  Find the opportunity in everything to glorify God, and I guarantee you that you will notice a significant change in your life.  I know I have, but only because I put God before any decision that I make.  

     As I have stated previously in one of my posts, there are times when I am talking with my mentor that I firmly believe I am in direct contact with God.  There are times that I feel Dave is my conduit to God, and that He (God) is listening in to what I have to say, and in turn is speaking directly to me.  "Ask yourself this, is it the right thing to do? God will give you three answers, yes, no, wait.."  I find myself asking this question before a lot of things that I do.  Let me tell you, there have been a lot of times that I felt yes was the right answer, but I was told no so I backed away.  "There will come a time when I suggest you and Emily sit down and talk like you and I do.  Remember, as much as you are leaving the door open for her, she is leaving the door open for you. So I just suggest you wait, and trust in God.  Only He can give you the answers that you seek, but in His time not yours."  Right there again, patience and trust.  The themes that keep recurring in my life when speaking to my mentor, my mom and family, and the men in my bible study.  Patience and trust.  I get the hint.  I will wait, and I will trust in His ultimate plan for my life.   I did get an affirmation again that I am on the right path, and it came this evening before I dropped the boys off after Christmas.  As we were packing up the car and getting ready to head out the door Caleb looked to me and asked, "Are we gonna have another sleep over soon?"  Wow. Clear as day.  "Sure bub, I'll talk it over with your mom.."  "Can we play Magic?" "Of course, gotta teach ya some more deck building skills.." "Awesome!"  The look on his face, just priceless.  I get just as excited to have them over here as they (the boys) are to spend time with me.  Without God in my life, I never would have had the courage to change, but I know that all my strength comes from Him.  They are the reason I fight. Stay strong, fight, you will be victorious.   Make it a good week everyone.. 

"We will find hope in the impossible.." -Spock

"So you see how it is: my new life tells me to do right, but the old nature that is still inside me loves to sin.  Oh, what a terrible predicament I'm in!  Who will free me from my slavery to this deadly lower nature?  Thank God!  It has been done by Jesus Christ our Lord.  He has set me free."  Romans 7: 23-25.

Plenty Week 2: Pastor Shawn Evans

Conversations with God..

     I firmly believe that there a times when I am speaking with the men at my bible study group, or with my mentor that I am at times speaking directly with the Creator.  Recently I believe that I have become more in tune to these conversations.  Listening in more, grasping the wisdom that is being presented to me.  There are some of the themes that seem to be coming out of these conversations.

Trust in God.

Have patience.

You will become greater than who you were.

Action.

     Trust in God.  Although it is hard, this is His plan for my life.  For the longest of time, I couldn't trust God.  When Dad passed, I just remember being angry with God, questioning his ultimate plan for my life.  "How could you take Dad?" "Why are you doing this to me?" "Is THIS your plan?!"  It was just me questioning His plan, not fully understanding that because of this great event I would slowly move closer to His presence.  I did it again with Steph, and the first time around with Emily.  I was angry again, fueled by the things that were being whispered in my ear that I was letting take hold in my life.  One more drink, one more game, one more.. one more..  These little whispers kept trying to pull me away from His presence in my life, to prevent me from hearing the voice of God.  Everything He has done in life has been in preparation of this moment.  To teach me that if I don't change my ways, my vicious cycle, that there will be great loss in my life.  A lesson learned the hard way, but then again He did create me so He already knew this would happen.  I can already hear the whispers in my ear, "Lets go to the bar.."  "Play a game or two, it won't hurt..." "Yell at her, you know you want to.."  these things just get dropped subtly trying to get me back into my old ways, old habits.  Thankfully, I understand how to equip and use the tools God has provided me to combat these whispers so I don't fall prey to them again.  

     Have patience.  This is a lesson that is being taught again and again in my life.  My mentality as a man is to find the problem, fix it, and walk away knowing it has been solved.  There is no fixing this right now.  This is where Trust comes into play as well, I fully trust in God that everything happening in my life is all in accordance to what He has set before me.  Things will work out in His way, I just need to be patient, trust, and know that God is for me not against me.

      You will become greater than who you were.  I'm already beginning to see this, little by little.  First it was learning what the distractions were in my life and then removing them entirely.  Second was learning to equip the tools God has given me to combat the evil that is being thrown at me, to combat my anger, to combat my addictions, to combat my fears.  Lastly, its becoming a disciple, learning the word of the Lord and how to spread it to the masses.  "I could remember years ago when all you would want to do is sit at the bar drink in hand.  No one could reach you.  I tried, I prayed, I cried over you wondering what it would take to get you back. Now look at you, how much has changed. I am so very proud of you."  My mom said that to me yesterday coming out of my interview.  Through my trust in Him, I am changing my life around entirely.  No alcohol. No games.  No addictions to tie me down anymore.  Once I was able to rid my self of these afflictions I was finally able to get a clear signal to the source.  Letting these things (addictions) run rampant in my life just distorted the signal.  I am learning how to embrace His word. I am learning to equip the tools.  I am learning to trust.  

      Action.  This one has been one of the most difficult things for me to do. Maybe it relates to my experiences with my dad.  There are times where I was on point with what it was I needed to do, but slowly those whispers get through.  Then my focus shifted from being a father to being the gamer, being the lifter, being the drunk.  As much as I love my dad, I want to be something more than he was in my life.  I can't remember a single time my father said he was proud of me, or that he loved me, or even prayed with me. I know that he was proud and I know that he did love me, but I never honestly heard it.  I learned from Mom he had his own issues with God, but that slowly changed after he attended IDGB.  For me, I am learning again how to back up my words with actions.  Specifically with the boys.  I want to be in their lives more than my father was in mine.  I am spending more time with them, giving them more attention than I received growing up.  I am sitting with them, talking, playing, painting, helping with homework, watching movies together, and praying with them when they stay the night.  Learning to take action is showing little by little.  Caleb is opening up to me more.  Zeke always wants to be near me when we are together.  I love these boys, and I almost missed out because of my own personal demons.  It is only through Him though that this turn around has happened.   

     Everything I am doing is a whole new learning process.  Lessons God has prepared for me, to prepare me to become the man He planned from the beginning when I was in my mothers' womb.  Through it all, I just lift up with thanks and praise always for the change He has brought to my life  "You have a good heart Mitch," my mentor said that to me this morning during a quick Merry Christmas update.  It hit me a little differently than I had expected, no one has ever said that of me.  I was surprised and thankful, this is the change people are seeing.  I am proud, but this isn't my doing, this is all because He has lit a fire within me that can never be extinguished.  Slowly, through His lessons, His tools, I will become the beacon of faith God has planned for me to become.  All glory to Him.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,

      and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from you presence

      or take your Holy Spirit from me

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

      and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me"   Psalm 51: 10-12     

Changing Labels...

     This post comes after coming from my bible study tonight.  I opened up to the men tonight about the struggles that I am currently having in my life in regards to my relationship with the boys, things with Emily, with Jim, with my current job status, just everything.  For the first time in weeks, I was able to grieve.  Before these men, and before God I cried.  There is no greater affirmation that I am doing the right thing than having a group of men that can connect with you instantly, look to you and say, "What you seek isn't going to come through your own eyes, it will come through His.  Put your faith and trust to God, and He will handle the rest.  What you're seeking is restoration, for something greater than what you are now, stick with God, stick with this group, seek out a mentor to guide you day by day, and above all trust in God.  He will bring you what you seek."

     "When we are labeled by our Christian brethren, Satan finds the way to make us feel insecure, to make us believe that is who we are.  It is through trust in God that we can break free from these labels, and become greater than what we ever imagined." 

     I have been labeled.  I let that label define who it is that I am.  I succumbed to the thought that this is only how I am to be known.  Satan reveled in this, and attacked.  I was given thoughts of insecurity, doubt, pain, confusion, and anger.  It has taken everything inside me, to not lash out in anger, to hold my tongue and guard myself.  Tonight during my bible study, we listened to a song (I'll post it at the end of this entry, to be honest I'm listening to it as I write right now) for some moments of silent meditation, to lift up to God our praises and our pains.  I just lifted up to God, I lifted my pain, my fears, how I am torn and confused, how I have lived my life in such sinful ways up to this moment, I just gave it all to Him, and for the first time since everything happened I started to cry.  As I sat silently, our study leader said, "Is there anything anyone would like to share?" and after hearing a story of praise something inside me said "Let it go".  I spoke, and I felt my voice just echo in the walls of my chest.  My pain, my fears, my hurt, my confusion, my love, everything came pouring out.  I know this was a moment in my life God was listening in on, He and I were turned to the same frequency.  Then someone spoke up, "You can be greater than who you are now.  Trust in Him, and He will bring you restoration."   I firmly believe this was God speaking to me.  And as I write this, I am tearing up because I hurt, because I see the hurt I have brought others.  I have done things wrong so many times that I never understood how to do it right.  I never thought I could do it right.  And there in lies the answer, I can't do it; but He can.  He will show me how to do it right.

      Every relationship I have been in up to now has been based on sinful natures.  Lust, obsessions, anger, deceit, gluttony, hate, material desires, everything I have done has been my way, which has brought ruin to my life.  A lot of people will focus on the good the God can bring, but they must also understand for there to be good, there has to be wrath.  Example: The Temple of Solomon.  Built by King Solomon the temple stood for over 400 years before the Babylonians destroyed it.  70 years after the temple's destruction with efforts led by the prophets Ezra and Nehemiah the temple was rebuilt, the new temple was constructed to be double in size.  This is what I want in my life, to be rebuilt through Him.  To have a relationship based in faith and not sinful desires.

     "Everything you are doing will be a test of faith.  You can choose to do it your way, or you can choose to do it His.  You've seen what happens when you do it wrong.  When you do it right, His way, God will give you the right answers, even greater tests, and you will become a beacon of faith that others will come flocking to.  Trust in Him, and everything will change I guarantee it.  I know this because I've been exactly where you are standing right now."

      The leader of my bible study said that to me before I left tonight.  I look to him as a beacon of faith, it is why I went to bible study when he called my name.  These men understand what for so long I could not, that for me to prosper, to be rebuilt, and to flourish I need to trust in God.  Right here, right now I am taking a stand,  to longer have control of my life and just trust in God.  God will rebuild me, He will change my label, and He will give me something greater than I can imagine. A life worth living.


Here Now (Madness) - Hillsong UNITED

"After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials, and the rest of the people, 'Don't be afraid of them.  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  Nehemiah 4:14

Doing the Right Thing - Episode II...

     I am writing this post after having come back from the 5 PM service at church, it was their Christmas Service.  Normally, when I think of Christmas services in church, I think of a few token Christmas songs, a strong message telling the story of the birth of Christ, and then ending with candle lights and everyone silently walking out.  Tonight was not the case, and it was a welcomed change.  The music was simply awesome, I felt like it was a concert more than anything else.  Guitar solos, drum solos, light show, awesome songs.  I can't describe the feeling I had while listening to the music and listening to the message (which I go into more later).   With everything that is going on in my life currently, it felt good for once to feel safe, protected.  

      Evil is going after my family in full force.  First it was my relationship, now its going after Morgen and Kelly, then yesterday it went after Mom and Jim.  Yesterday, Jim was taken to the hospital, it was discovered by the doctors that he had had a series of mini-strokes, and had an afibrillation in his heart which directly lead to the strokes.  As of writing this post, Jim has 70% blockage to one of the main arteries to the right side of his brain.  He is being given one more test tonight, then hopefully will be returning home tomorrow.  The blockage in his brain is inoperable as of currently, and can only be treated by a diet change. Included in this diet change, he will also be given a new barrage of medications for his heart, cholesterol, blood thinners, and blood pressure.  Right now we are all on high alert going into this.  Jim is getting better returning to his normal self, yet we will remain cautious and always have a keen eye towards him.  My mom throughout all of this is a trooper, I can't praise her enough.  She is finding time to send me Scripture to help myself and Morgen, taking time to spend at the hospital, and she is finding strength and trust in God that this is his plan.  She is a true beacon of faith right now, and it is amazing to see this.  Once I got out of church she was the first person I called, and she finds some way to always lift my spirits, I hope I can do the same in return.

      The message tonight at church was simple, and amazing.  There was a reason I was there, at that moment. It was to hear the pastor say this.  No matter what, you are loved.  The phrase that he kept repeating during the sermon (just to help get the message across) was simply "In the past Christ was born in the manger, but in today He is born in our hearts."  It was uplifting to hear these words.  I am learning everyday how to find strength in His word.  As much as evil is trying to throw at me, my family, my loved ones, God's got this.  I put trust in Him, because he already knows the outcome.  The outcome will not hurt us, but bring us joy and through Him we will prosper.  No matter how many things go bad, no matter how wrong you feel, how unwanted, how weak, no matter what, God loves you and Hes got it.  Just trust in Him.  And so I do.  Everything that is happening in my life right now is going according to His plan, and his plan is for me to prosper.  In all things I will give Him thanks.  

     In light of everything that is going on, I am thankful.  Now don't be confused, I am partially angry, confused, and there is a lot of hurt, but above it all I am thankful.  In the past I would just let my anger flow through me, I would lash out and use hateful feelings laced around words.  i would drink to feel numb, because it was easier handling the pain that way.  I would engross my life around games, just losing myself in my headset and my keyboard.  That was the old me.  That is not how I handle my problems anymore.  Sold the computer and my gaming gear to get rid of the addiction for good, and you would be hard pressed to find alcohol in my house considering I poured all of it down the drain.  I am forcing myself away from these things so I can be closer to His word, so I have a clear and direct connection to the "Source".  Every little thing I am doing is the right thing.  Selling the computer and the VUE has given me the ability to start providing financially to Emily again (it is not a whole lot which hurts, but I give what I can give currently).  I am diligent about staying connected to His word through church, bible studies, and books so never again do I fall on darkness.  I am trying to strengthen my relationship with the boys by spending more time with them be it overnight, or a couple hours during the day, every little bit helps.  Me being with them is more important than words can express.  Lastly, I am more diligent than ever before in trying to land employment again, regardless of the position.  Once I find a stable job and am able to provide more, things will start to ease out.  My priorities are this: God, Emily and the Boys, Job Hunting, and then everything else.  

      Regardless of what is going on, I will be thankful.  I may not understand His plan right now, but I know the end goal will have me prosper and for that I trust in God to light and guide my path.  I am thankful for Emily. I am thankful for the boys and forging an awesome relationship with them not only here in the present but for the future as well.  I am thankful for my health, and the health of my family. Most of all I am thankful for my new found passion in His word.  God is the answer, I just had to make the call.  I will continue to do the right thing for as long as I live, never putting myself before anyone again especially her and the boys, and more importantly I will never put myself before God.   God is my offensive and defensive coordinator, he calls the plays and I run them according to His will.  I believe. I trust. I fight for my family.  Make it a good week everyone...

     "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."  - Ghandi

     

     "He gives strength to the weary,

           and increases the power of the weak.

      Even youths grow tired and weary,

          and young men stumble and fall;

      But those who hope in the LORD

          will renew their strength.

      They will soar on wings like eagles;

          they will run and not grow weary,

          they will walk and not be faint."     - Isaiah 40: 29-31

Learning Curves...

     I have been thinking of how I actually wanted to make this post.  Last night after bible study, I did not have the energy to actually commit to making a post just due to my being tired as well as the information overload in regards to the Book of James from the New Testament.  These are just my viewpoints and interpretations of how I see His plan unfolding in my life.

     In everything we do there is a lesson to be learned.  In school we learn subjects such as math, science, and literature to use as daily applications within our lives such as paying bills, reading a book, or figuring out how to defrost food from the freezer.  In life lessons can be much more harsh.  Not being responsible can cost one their job, or in the extreme of circumstances their life.  Learning from these lessons is how we are able to grow, move forward, but we must not forget the past, always remember for forgetting can be costly.  

     Right now the biggest hurdle I am having to face is doing things alone again.  In the past, I would just fall back on to my addictions, create distractions so I wouldn't have to face what was currently going on in my life.  When I would drink, I would drink until I would pass out.  It was easier for me to be numb than to have feelings.  People would encourage this as well, the people that I had surrounded my life would just buy me drinks, tell me "drink until you can't feel feelings".  This is how I handled things in regards to Dad, Steph, and partially Emily.  There came a point where I had to make a stand, be a drunk or be a father.  I chose the latter because my son needed me more than I needed booze in my life.  Video Games were another thing that I would I find myself just submitting myself to.  It was easier to put my headset, load up a character, and just quest for hours on end.  I didn't want to face the harsh reality at hand, that my relationship had failed (again), that I was having a horrible time landing job interviews, and that I was isolating myself from friends, family, and loved ones.  Essentially, I had fallen prey to exactly what evil had wanted me to do.  In bible study there is the relation of evil stalking our lives to that of a lion scoping a herd.  The lion doesn't go right into the middle of the herd to attack, no they lay in wait for hours at a time determining who is isolated, sick, who is the easiest to bring down.  That is when they strike, and score the kill.  Evil is the same.  It lays in wait, for days or even months on end, it waits for the right time to attack and when it does it comes swiftly.  before you realize what has happened in your life, you no longer have a job, a relationship, mental strength, or even spiritual strength.  At that moment, evil has won.  Yet there comes a choice, to lay there and die in the darkness, or actually take a stand to reach out for help from others and from the Lord.

     There is something I read this morning, "Let me say with resoluteness, the enemy wants your family.  Even when you think your family is safe, it is not!"  This is a lesson harshly learned.  I had been isolated, and well, this is the outcome.  Evil attacked, took my family, now I am left in the dust wondering.  God knew this would happen, and I would reach out.  I needed his divine influence on my life, He knew that I would need to stop learning to do things "my way" but "His way".  The first thing I needed to do was get rid of the distractions in my life (hence the selling of my computer) to truly start connecting back to the source.  The second was learning to pray again, and not just simple "popcorn prayers", but learning to lift up and feel grace.  Lastly, the lesson which I needed to learn was this, patience and trust.  This is another lesson harshly learned.  God has my attention, loud and clear.

     I'm learning these things because of my belief of what God has planned for my life.  In order to truly understand this plan, let alone even grasp it, I needed these lessons and I needed to rearrange my priorities.  Things are not easy, nor will they be for the foreseeable future.  My fears, my anxieties, the feelings of rejection, unworthiness, not being wanted, are all being projected constantly from the darkness I am trying to escape from.  God has the answer, I just needed to make the call.  As difficult as it is right now, I do believe what I believe in.  Right now, the plan God has for me is to continue to learn patience, to learn to listen, learn to love unconditionally, an learn how to embrace His word.  And so I continue the fight, and with hope for the future God has in store for my life, and that of my family.



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Hailing frequencies open..

     This post stems from some thoughts and experiences I have had this week from spending time with the boys, speaking with my mentor on Friday, and just now coming back from receiving His message this morning at church.

     The past two weeks the sermon series I have been involved with revolves around the theme of being "Overwhelmed".  How at this time of year people become so "overwhelmed" in their lives: financial burdens, relationship issues, family issues, work issues, time constraints on daily life.  All these things plus many more just creating insane amounts of stress on our lives, and the one thing we reach out for is peace.  Peace of the mind and peace of heart.  That is why this time of year church attendance always seems to increase, because people look for that peace during this time of year to help bring a "calm" over the holidays.  After listening to the sermon this morning, the message was clear, "we need to have a constant connection to the Source."  Too easily we find our selves as people losing that connection.  We live "around the source", we know of it, we know the power it holds, but rarely do we find ourselves "plugged in".  The speaker said however there is a solution to this problem, and it comes from the Apostle Paul.  Paul went through many trials and tribulations through his time as an Apostle, but even through it all Paul has the answer we all need.  Paul writes in Philippians, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in and and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4: 11-13).  The answer is written right there, find strength in Christ and through Him all things can be accomplished.  The only way we can find strength in Christ however is establishing the connection, getting "plugged in" to the Source, and then maintaining that connection in our lives daily.  We need to open up the communication lines to Christ through our prayers, and then keep these lines open trusting in God to transform our lives.

     Communication.  Communication is how we learn to understand ourselves and those around us.  We send out our own personal signals (both verbal and nonverbal) to garner a response to the signaled party.  Examples of this are such as a babies cry to signal his or her parents that they need to change the diaper, or prep a bottle, or that the baby is tired and needs sleep.  A teacher using not only visual queues but audio as well to teach his or her students the lesson of the day.  The holding of hands or showing affection to a loved one   These all reflect some of the forms of communication in our lives.  However sometimes there are breakdowns in these lines, or mixed signals are transmitted and not received in the proper form.  With the things I have been reading, and speaking with my mentor, I am starting to realize that my ability to  communicate was not at the level I thought it needed to be.  I was transmitting my thoughts and opinions, but I was not transmitting them correctly.  Imagine a piece of lined paper, those line across the page representing the lines of communication you have in your life.  Now, every time you hold something in or back, slowly tear the page breaking the first line.  That's one severed connection. Now think of a time you said something that was not encouraging or could have been taken differently than what you wanted to imply, tear the next couple lines.  Every time there is a breakdown, those lines get torn until simply all you have left are two halves of a page.  Desperately you hold onto those two halves trying to make the page whole again, but its not the same.  You used tape to bring the two halves together, still not the same.  What do you need to do for new lines of communication? You start with a new page.

      This is a new page, new connection lines across it.  Now imagine that new page being laminated.  Those connection lines are now secure and that page has been strengthened,  Through Christ is how we can secure those connection lines, fortify ourselves in His word and strengthen ourselves as believers.   In my life and learning to do things through Him, I am learning how to strengthen myself by staying plugged in and communicating with God.  Praying daily, reading daily, holding myself accountable to knowing and understanding His word.  Eliminating the distractions in my life that were causing breakdowns of communication between loved ones and from God.  Surrounding myself with men who are resolute in their faith, and will nurture me in my path.  Men who who know how to uplift the spirit, encourage me, things that I am starting to do myself with others.  This feeling of strength, and praise, and encouragement is something I have not truly experienced before, and its helping me transform my life, it is helping me use the strength of the Lord to guide my life.  These men I hold myself accountable to know what it is I am going through, and in fact some are going through the same thing as well, but they urge me forward through His example.  They are giving me more tools (sermons, scripture references, books) that I am using to continue on this path.  This feeling right now that I have within me, is simply amazing and I know that through Him I can accomplish great things.

       How do I know this, how do I know that I am on the right path?  It came last night when I was with the boys.  As I was painting with Zeke, and playing games with Caleb, Caleb said to me "I was hoping this week would pass by fast so we could hang out."  That right there.  That is the reason I fight the forces that are trying to keep me from changing. Caleb. Zeke, Emily.  My family.  They are why I fight, and it is only through Him that I can find the strength to fight.  Evil will never stop, and neither will I.

     Lastly, I will end this with something from the speaker today ending the sermon series on "Overwhelmed."  He said in closing, "instead of a New Year's Resolution, do a New Life Revolution.."  And so I am, my life revolutionized through Him.  Make it a good week....

"Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice!  Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace.  And the God of love and peace will be with you."  2 Corinthians 13: 11.  
   

Reforged beliefs...

      Reforge by definition means to cast or model anew.  I chose this word because of what I have experienced in my life thus far.  Right now, I am being reforged in God's image, into the man He has planned from the beginning when He first formed me in my mother's womb.  Right now I am a hunk of metal on his heavenly anvil, each strike molding me into something greater than I was before.

     In recent weeks I've been given only what I can call a spiritual clarity as to the reality of life.  For so long I was just shrouded in darkness that I could not see more than two feet in front of me. When you are in this darkness, you are easily attacked, easily manipulated by forces, little whispers (Note: I do not mean someone actually whispering in your ear, this is more in the metaphorical sense of the word) telling you "it's ok to give up", "one more quest, that's all", "go lift now, you can do that other thing later".  These forces influence your decisions easily, making you feel obsolete, broken down, lethargic, selfish, or a many other things.  This is how evil gets into your life, you accept that you will be constantly rejected, you accept that you have no self worth, you accept these whispers and then next thing you know its several days, months, or even years later that you finally step free from the shadows.  You look at the choices you made during this period, and you become appalled at what has become of things.  Stepping out the darkness that shrouded my life, I am beginning to see how these little whispers easily affected who I was, it altered my path.  Thinking back to my bible study on Tuesday, God gives us the freedom of choice, free will.  God will not stop us from making that choice, but He will deliver us from our darkness.  I was thinking about this on my drive home today from dropping the little one off.  I imagined myself in a coffee shop, and there He is waiting for me, smile on His face, two cups on the table. One for Him, one for me.  Begrudgingly I step up to the table, I sit down and I look across the table.  The conversation goes like this:

God: I see you finally showed up..

Me: Yeah... (I look down).. I didn't think I would come..

God:  I did.. 

Me: yeah... I.... God... I need your help..

God:  I know.. let's finally talk.

     God knows we're going to make mistakes in our lives.  He was the one who wrote our path down before we were even created, He knew us before we knew ourselves.  It's our choice, our free will which makes us seek Him, and when we do He is already waiting with open arms.  This is a concept that in the past I have had hard time wrapping my thoughts around, however the more I dive into the Word, the better I am beginning to grasp it.  I am also beginning to understand the concept of my accountability to God.  To study, to learn, to discuss the Word, and to live my life in accordance to His plan.  I do this by attending bible study on Tuesdays, holding myself responsible and accountable to the men of this group because these men will help me flourish in His word.  I do this by finding my spiritual home on Sunday's to rejoice and praise Him, to lift Him up above all others.  I do this by reading works by authors to help gain a better understanding of the history, the power, the testimonies of His works on others, as well as writing my own personal thoughts and feelings for interpretation. As  well as many other actions in my life.  This new clarity in my life has allowed me to openly see, more so than ever before, the vices trying to creep their ways back into my being.  Already people are asking me to go to the bar, to indulge in temptations of the flesh, to load up a game or two, or the whispers going "go lift, you can get Zeke later".  I see these things trying to creep back into my life, and I am fighting them off.  I have no want or need to drink, I have no want or need to have that sort of relationship with anyone, and I'm filling my time with His word instead of pretty images and controllers.  God knows the path I am trying to walk, evil does as well.  Evil will throw these things at me, I've made my choice, my life is His.

     God knows the path I am trying to walk in my life.  He understands I am trying to break free from the cycle.  I recently started reading a book called "The Warriors Soul", and right away I could tell this was a book meant for my life.  (I'll have another post in a few days about my thoughts on this book, so far its an awesome read.)  Quoting the book: "It's what a man believes that governs his behavior. Warrior actions are derived from the warrior soul.  The best know it and nurture it.  And once you have it, it never leaves.  The warrior soul does not weaken. Long after the body has broken down, the soul stands tall."  It was awesome reading that passage, this is written within the first 3 pages, it had me instantly hooked.  I am going to fight for what it is that I believe, that everything I am doing now is forging me, preparing me to become a disciple, a father, and a husband.  I'm going to fight for my family, for my friends, and for the woman I want to call my wife.  I'm going to fight the temptations evil throws in my path that want to discourage my path of change.  My strength flows forth from Him, and it will never weaken.  I have finally found my "warriors soul".  

     But like with all things, the fight is going to require patience, perseverance, and most of all trust in Him.  I will take things one day at a time, and remind myself this is a marathon not a sprint. I will leave with this lesson from Scripture:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."   Hebrews 12: 1-3

Moving forward, this time with both feet in...

     I've been thinking of how I would write this post.  In fact I've written and rewritten it dozens of times in my head, but I have a somewhat clear idea of how I want actually put my words down now.  An idea of the direction of how I want to guide my thoughts.

     If you have been paying attention to facebook recently you have read that I sold my computer.  After reading more of "Man Alive", I sat down and truly thought about the distractions in my life, the things that prevent me from moving forward along this path that I am walking.  There was one thing that always had a serious pull on preventing me from taking an actual step in the right direction.  It was my computer.  This custom built machine that I had put countless hours into perfecting to be an ultimate gaming machine, hours of using this machine to put myself before anything else.  Hours wasted because of the choice I made, a choice that cost me.  The more I thought about it, the more I came to my senses that I needed to rid myself of this machine.  The best decision I have made in a long time was selling it.  The thing that helped fuel my addiction to online games was now out of my life.  I cannot explain how liberating it was to drop off my computer, and know that it was never returning to my house again.  The draw to play games is there, but I know with the laptop I am currently writing this post with I am unable to game on it, and its a great feeling.  In order for me to take this step forward away from the addiction and draw of the games, this was something that had to be done otherwise I would just fall back into the cycle of which I am breaking free from.  

Man Alive - Chapter 7: To Love And To Be Loved..

     This is the first time that I can recall reading words that moved me to tears.  God puts things in our lives when we need them most.  I needed to read this chapter.  The chapter starts off with the story of a man, who comes home to an empty house, lights off, and a single note from his wife "We just can't take it anymore.  We're leaving.  I'm taking the kids and we're going back home.  I'm sorry."  Almost identical what I had just experienced, and I could just feel my heart sink.  This chapter wasn't about the man in the story.  This chapter was about me, about my life.  I soaked in each sentence, eyes glued to the pages, filtering out all distractions.  God put this book in my hands, at this time, for a reason and I had best pay attention.  The man in the story was asking questions of how things got this way, where did I go wrong, etc., similar questions that I am asking myself right now.  God gave us free will and because of that the ability to make a choice, all the choices I had made lead up to this moment, to me needing to read this chapter.  Continuing through the chapter, I didn't see this as a chapter just to answer questions and move forward, no these were words that I would use to help blueprint my life.  The questions I was asking myself, the answers were written right before my eyes.  Essentially, a blue print to implement in my life.  

                                                           "I want my family back."

      I read this line and that is when the tears came down.  More than anything that is what I want in my life.  My house becomes a home, it becomes alive when the boys are here, when she was here.  That is the only way I can honestly describe it.  Just like the man in the story, I want my family back.  Saturday when the boys were here, it was simply amazing.  Painting with Zeke, helping Caleb with homework, watching Zeke nap, playing games with Caleb and watching his amazing mind formulate a strategy to win, eating dinner with the boys while watching a movie together, and finally praying with them before going to sleep, words can't express the joy I felt.  This was home.  As I headed towards slumber however, I silently wept because this was a moment I wanted to share with her.  I wept because the choices I made almost cost me all of what I was experiencing in that moment, as they has already cost me her being in my life.  "As much as she can't understand what you're going through, you can't understand what she is going through either."  My mentor said that to me in our last meeting, and its true.  I can't even come close to understanding what it is she is going though having to make that decision.  

                                                        "So what are you going to do?"

     The story of Chapter 7 ends on a high note with the man, his wife, and his kids becoming a family again.  I have no idea how my story is going to end.  It has taken me 31 years to realize that I can no longer do this my way, but I need to do it His way because through Him anything is possible.  I want Caleb and Zeke in my life, I want to be their mentor, their positive role model, their father.  I want to show Emily that I can be trusted, and that love is a powerful motivator.  I want to show her and the boys that I want to walk this path of Christ with them together as a family.  God will come first, Emily, Caleb and Zeke will always come second, after that everything else pales in comparison.  I know my priorities, and my purpose, I just lift it all unto Him to show me the way to do things right and to glorify Him above all others.  

     In my bible study we're reviewing the book of James, so I will leave you with this..

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1: 2-4

Turmoil and peace..

     What I am about to write is what I have experienced within the past few days, and why going forward I need to change my life to become greater than who I was.  God has a plan for my life, and I am truly starting to see that now, and it has lit a fire in my soul like never before.

      This past week, I experienced the true pull on my soul that has always been talked about in church.  I felt the presence of evil in my life, and the destructive powers it has on my being.  At the same time I felt the warmth, the grace, of just giving it all up. I felt peace, and not just a peace of quietness.  The true peace of bring calm to my tormented soul.  For long I had steeled myself away, isolated myself that my actions were easily influenced by the Devil.  Laziness, selfishness, addictions, they were just running rampant in my life and it just came to the point it needed to stop, I needed to change.

     I started reading a book titled "Man Alive" by Patrick Morley.  I had had the book for a couple weeks previous but never really gave any thought to it, but something within me said, "read this, just open read and be honest with yourself", from the get go I could already feel the change but that is also when the attacks began.  First, it was finding out the VUE was dead in the water, I had blown a hole the size of my fist in the engine block (still don't know how this happened). After getting the VUE taken care of I continued reading, answering the questions after each chapter.  Putting words onto pen and paper.  Chapters were just screaming at me, my answers stunned even myself. It was during this reading that I was attacked again, one of the banisters in my living room came free from the ceiling and slammed into the sliding glass door.  I felt something, something just pulling on my being to stop reading, to stop this want of change.  I couldn't control my life anymore, I was isolated, I was in a downward spiral, I was hurting myself, my family, and my friends.  After some time in prayer with Mom and Jim, I was calm enough to finally sleep.  The next day, well it would be the final attack and the one which ripped me apart.

                                             My relationship ended with Emily.

     Writing that hurts more than I can explain.  Once again my laziness, selfishness, addictions, my isolation came through in full force and she had had enough.   I had put myself before her, before the boys, and before God, once again it has cost me dearly.  For so long I though I had been doing it right, I thought I was on a good path. I was way out of the ballpark on this one.  I had been so alone, rejected, isolated that in the end this is the path we were bound for.  An out of control ride that I had caused.  The cycle had repeated itself, and I did nothing to stop it.

    Chapter 5: Breaking the Cycle.  Like a acme hammer to the dome, it dawned on me.  For 31 years I have been living my life my way.  This is what has lead to, and I honestly deserve what I have done to myself.  So I gave it all up, but in a good way the best way.  I decided I no longer want to live my life my way, I want to live it His way.  I was in tears in my room and I asked God, "change me, break the cycle Lord," and like an eternal calm I felt His presence in my life like never before.  A feeling of warmth, joy, an almost euphoric state.  It was just amazing.  This is when things really decided to take off.

     In our times of need, God works through others to show his amazing grace to us, on Tuesday God used Todd Laczynski.  Todd reached out and extended an invitation to join in his Men's Bible Study.  I was scared that these men would see right through me.  They would see the man who was broken, and just tired and afraid.  What I experienced was the complete opposite, I was met with open arms and love for another brother in Christ.  I knew right away these were men I could open up to, share my hurt, my pain, and know I would be loved regardless.  These were men that would teach me how to change my life to follow His path, and teach me how to become an amazing father, things that I truly struggle with on a constant basis but I know now through them, through Him I can and will change.  After Tuesday night, the doors in my life that felt closed for so long just exploded open, all because I gave it up to Him.  I now have a purpose, a drive in my life that wasn't there before and it feels fantastic.  The rejection I was getting from potential employers has shifted entirely from constant rejection to my phone ringing with employers wanting to speak with me, and by his grace I have my first interview on this coming Tuesday.  I just pray this is the opportunity I've been looking for to start to provide for myself, for Emily, and for the boys.

    Finally, I want to say this.  Even though this all happened, I am finding myself extremely thankful. Thankful for the men in my life reaching out to me (Gary Germann, Todd Laczynski, and my mentor Dave Spitler).  Thankful for the opportunities that lay ahead.  Thankful for the boys, their love, and for making my house feel like a home. Lastly, I am thankful for Emily.  It is by Gods infinite grace that she was brought into my life.  His plan for us is more vast than I can ever imagine, but I also know this had to happen for me to truly understand why it is I need to change.  God brought us together for a reason, and I know if His plan puts us together again I will be ready not just for the present, but for the future as well because through Him anything is possible.

    I am anxious to see where my path leads and who will be with me in my journey with Christ, I am excited to finally understand peace, and His awesome love.  No more just being a body in a building but becoming a disciple; to give thanks and praise in all that He does in my life and those around me.  I have truly found peace, and it is amazing. I will leave you all with this, from the sermon this morning...

Philippians 4: 6-7   "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ."



   

Shields that shatter...

It has been a while since I have actually sat down and written the thoughts, feelings, emotions that have been encompassing my life in the last couple months.  It is an easy thought to say. "maybe I should write this down", it is harder to follow through with actions.  Words only become definitive if they are actually responded with in turn by actions and not just more words.

      In the sermon today, the pastor spoke of 'white blazes and blue blazes' in reference to his walk along the Appalachian Trail as a through hiker, the 'white blazes' meaning the beaten path and the 'blue blazes' meaning the shortcut or easier path along the trail.  He related this to our walk in Christ, and how we often find ourselves wanting to follow a 'blue blaze' rather than a 'white blaze' but following that shortcut can lead to dangerous implications.  Something about listening to the sermon this morning gave me a want, a want to visit Dad, to go to him and speak to him, a want that I have not had in years due to things that I just let fester in my mind, in my emotions, and also in my spiritual path.  As these things would fester, I could feel them eating away at the person I was and am trying to become.  Recently, things have begun to do get a grip on me, a vice that I am having a hard time trying to overcome.  

     Over the past couple years there has been a set of verses that I have turned to in hopes of finding strength, wisdom, and guidance in my life.  Mom introduced them to me when I began truly trying to live my life with God guiding my path.  I'm not going to write them out, but they come from Ephesians 6 verses 10 through 19, it is in reference to the armor of God.  For those of you that know me, I am a huge fan of MMORPGs, specifically World of Warcraft (WoW), so these verses really stood out to me.  When times were rough, and things in my life seemed to be mountains and canyons, as I would struggle along my path Mom would always remind me to put on my "armor of God" to help me through the pain, and the despair that I had following through my mind and my heart.  More times than I can remember I have put on this armor to help fight these feelings of loneliness, of battling my anger, and my fears, that this armor that I wear feels battered and scarred from the constant wear of having it equipped.  In recent months it felt like something actually broke through my barrier, that has made it even more difficult to dawn this armor again.  As each day passes, I find it more difficult than the previous times to lift my shield against it all.  I am bombarded with constant rejection, battered with the fear of failure, and finding it difficult to stand on my own.  As I try to get my foothold to stand up, to attempt to make a step forward, something is there to knock me back down.   

     I am tired, more so than tired I am exhausted.  At times I feel weak and helpless.  The rejections, the feelings of failure, of feeling emasculated, it has started to take its toll on my body, on my mentality, and my emotions.  When I look in the mirror, the question comes to mind of "what am I doing wrong?" or "is this who you want to be or do you want to be something greater than what you are now?", or even  "is this best you can do?".  I feel like I am a burden to others, a hindrance to their lives.  That we have put up facades in order to hide the pain that is truly there.  These fractures in our facades being filled with emptiness, and voids being filled with doubts.  As I lift my shield to combat this all, I can feel the heaviness it bears.  

     This armor that I wear that is battered and bruised, still protects me.  This armor that protects who it is that I am, still holds strong.  The hardest part in all of this is and always will be finding my first step forward.  I am trying to walk my path in life through the grace of God, and to stand strong on my own not only for myself, but for Zeke, for Caleb, and for Emily.  That in life we are tempted to follow the 'blue blaze' and in doing so I lost almost everything that was dear to me. I want to stand up and follow the 'white blaze', the correct path in life wherever that may take me.  In doing so, I must raise my shield against these struggles, and find a way to reforge my path to be a stronger man than who I am now, else I just remain broken and bruised. And all God's people said... Amen.