Love... (Part 1)[Edited 5/24/16]

     This is the last post of this blog. I am in the process of converting over to a new website. Almost 3 years, 39 posts, and some 2000+ views later, I am ready to move on from this area of my life and on to something new. I will post the new website once I am confident in the setup of it.  This is also the first part of my take on "Love..", there will be a second part which I will be posting in my new blog.

     This post will contain some truths of my life that I have witnessed. I have seen what true love is, and it is something that I am still searching for in my life. We as adults claim to know love, to understand it. We empower the word and at the same time we overuse it and diminish its value, the same applies to the word hate. I once heard a man say that love is the driving force behind all things. I believe this statement. Without love, we can do nothing.

     At 24, I witnessed the true definition of the word love. In October of 2008, I would lose my father to cancer. From his battle and eventual passing I would witness the single greatest act by any one person for another (outside of the Cross) and why I am searching for it in my own life. This memory is hard to write about, and even though it is during a moment of great sorrow this memory does bring me great joy because I was there. It is one of those moments in life that God lets you see, and not just with your own eyes. You see this moment through His eyes, as it was truly meant to be seen.

     I can remember being in the hospital room, watching as this disease known as cancer spread through my father like a wildfire. If there was a word more powerful than aggressive I would use it, but I have yet to find one to truly describe how fast this all occurred. I was there when the tremors in his body first started, how he became lethargic and slowly stopped responding to the doctors, to the nurses, and lastly to my voice. I remember him ordering food, and just looking at what was in front of him and forcing himself to use a spoon just to attempt to eat Jell-O. The tremors were so bad, he couldn't keep his hand steady enough to eat it and just how frustrated and more so than that hurt that he couldn't feed himself. There I was at 24, feeding my father just so he could have some sort of food in his system. There is a quote from Superman that always touches my heart, “The son becomes the father and the father becomes the son.” I remember this day vividly, because I could see the pain on my father's face, something I never saw, the man never showed emotion and to see it wrenched my heart. After helping him eat, he just looked out the window towards the VU football field watching the kids outside practice. After this event, his body started giving out. The next morning, we would get advice from an amazing nurse and have him placed in hospice. I remember the ambulance ride to hospice, having to tell the paramedics he needs to be seated up in the gurney to be able to breathe. Getting stopped by a train and hearing the EMT just shout, “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” We arrived at hospice, and had my father placed in his room. That night after everyone had left I stayed with dad. I was in school and at this point didn't care if I missed class or not, this was far more important than any note, test, quiz, or lecture I would have been apart of. As I stayed with him, he spoke for the first time since being in the ambulance. He just said, “I need to get up… I need to go”. He couldn't move on his own due to the tremors, so I pinged the nurse to come help. This little woman no taller than 5' 3” and weighing 120 if soaking wet was trying to hold up a man that had ballooned in weight due to water retention (from his kidneys failing). During this moment is when I would hear my dad say something that would impact my life forever, “I don't want to die...” My father was finally situated and calmed down. The night would eventually turn into morning, but my core had broken. That morning is when I would become a witness to His plans for us as people, to love someone and to be loved in return. The tremors in my dads body were bad. As he laid there, his body failing him, I watched as my mom crawled into bed with him. The tremors stopped immediately, and he held onto my moms hand. In that little moment, I saw time stop. I saw the power that love can have between two people. Two individuals that had been through hell together, through triumph together, that did life together, were right there before my eyes. A man that loved a woman, and a woman that loved a man with a love so powerful to make time stop, and to make pain disappear. The next morning, dad would pass but that moment in time, that gift I was given to bear witness to, will forever be etched into my memory. We as people have the capability to move mountains, we have the capability to heal any and all wounds, and we have the capability to stop time. In that moment, I saw all three things happen at once. That is the true power of love.

     We want to love and to be loved in return. Love is relentless and never ceases. Love is the very thing we all truly fight for. It is the very reason for our existence, it is the core of our being. In the end, love is worth everything. In case someone hasn't told you today: you are amazing, you are beautiful, and you are loved. Good night, and godspeed.

“We can do no great things; only small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4: 16-18

Hillsong United - Relentless

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-13






P.S. The new blog is up and running.  I am still working on getting some kinks out in regards to setup and format.  I look forward to writing more and sharing my thoughts as time marches forward.  Good night and enjoy yourselves!!!

It Goes to 11?!?!

     Last night I was able to make bible study after missing it last week due to starting my new job. (Yay on the new job!!!) My mind was blown Inception style. I was thinking of it all day today, and I just realized my life just hit a new level of awesomeness. I went past 10 and hit 11 and all because I was in fellowship with these amazing men. We started a 19 week course on the book “What God Wishes Christians Knew About Christianity” by Bill Gillham. I have been looking forward to starting this book since it was first brought up a few weeks ago, just because what the men in study have said it has done to their faith and their walk. Well, they weren't far off from the truth because last night just blew open doors in my mind and understanding that I never knew were there. At work today in the man-lift, I was just reflecting over everything that was said last night and I just started laughing because I came to a whole new understanding about things in my life, for the first time I truly feel free.

     The first point I will touch on is something one of the guys said in regards to faith. “Faith is the seed which is planted and then grows into the plant. The fruit that blossoms from this plant are the works.” This statement just really hit home. After ending the series on James, I really understood what this man said. I see it in my life to be honest. I see it in my interactions with friends, family, my coworkers, I really do see it. My faith is just a little sapling right now, waiting to grow into an amazing plant. Even though I am a sapling, I can see the fruit it already wants to bear. The new job serving others, my learning to follow through with the boys (this is going to be a lifelong process which I gladly accept), friends and the men from study just noticing the change in me. To quote Caleb, “everything is awesome!” It truly is! The journey to get to this point has been to Hell and back, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I would not be on this path if these events did not happen in the order that they did, and the awesome thing is I now just laugh about it all. God is so in control, but I had been resisting it, and now I just accept it and go “Lead me!!!” Tying this all together is this: I can do nothing. If I do it, I will fail. It is Christ who lives in me that will accomplish all things. Only Christ can accomplish these things in my life. That one took a while to understand and accept, but once I did, my mind was blown. Once you receive Christ into your heart, that never leaves. You can make choices that turn you away from God, or make you walk away, but sooner or later the Holy Spirit is going to tug at you so hard that you're going to come back. This is evident in my own life, I shied away from the church because of how angry I was at God because of Steph and because of Dad. Mom tried for years to get me to go to Banquet, and she could never get me to go. It took Gary Germann one time, and for me to just look at him and go, “Let's do this!” When Christ is in you, and you accept this, things change drastically. If I do anything, it would be for selfish purposes, for the wrong reasons. When I do things through Christ, asking Christ to guide my decisions, to guide my thoughts, to guide my actions, then I know I am doing it through Him and not me.

     Going off that thought, last night gave me a new understanding to Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.) We were talking about this verse, and how people use it in their prayers. They ask for that little bit extra strength, that little bit extra faith, to give us just that little bit extra so we can overcome a particular burden. It wasn't until the leader of the discussion said this, “You are already equipped with all the strength you need because Christ lives in you, why would you need more if He is alive in you?” Mind blown. That question completely changed my prayers, in fact it changed my entire outlook! I am already equipped with all the strength I will ever need because of Christ living in me, why would I need any more?! In fact, taking this point a little bit further, I came equipped with all the tools I will ever need. God saw to this when he formed me in my mother's womb, when I was on His mind before I was even formed he was preparing the tools I would need for my life. Like I said this changed my prayers entirely, instead of asking for more strength I reached up and asked, “God show me how to tap into the strength you have already given me. Show me and teach me how to equip these tools which you gave to me.” I really felt a difference lifting that up to Him. The question posed also changed my prayers for her as well. They went along the same lines of what I said for myself but they were directed for her, just to show her and teach her how to tap into the strength of Christ that lives inside her. That too felt powerful to say last night.

     Finally, the last point I will touch on from last night is this. For so long the enemy has been knocking me down, just giving me the one two punch every time I wanted to move forward. I was believing the lies that enemy was whispering in my ear. For so long I believed that I was abusive, that I was a manipulator, that I was passive aggressive, that I was hateful, that I was useless and not wanted and not loved. I believed these lies to be true for so long that I accepted them, they became my shackles of bondage. The apostle Paul wrote over sixty times that those who have Christ within them are Saints, and only once did he write that we are sinners. The man who willing went to prison, who was beaten and had his teeth kicked in, and was eventually stoned, said that during his most troubled times when reaching out to the different churches across the land. We are all saints who sometimes sin. This sat in my heart all last night, and during the day today. Then I had my own thought that I shared this afternoon with the man that got me to go to bible study way back in November, I said this to him, “Our choices will lead to either our ascension or permanent detention.” Meaning we can release our thoughts to Christ who lives in us (ascension) or we can let the enemy control those thoughts and keep us in the prison (permanent detention). Pairing the two together something inside me instantly changed. I am not the lies the enemy wants me to believe, I am who Christ says I am. I am righteous and I am justified. I am a saint who sometimes sins. It relies on my choice, believing in Christ, or the lies of the enemy. The choice there is simple, I believe in what Christ says I am and no longer believe the lies of the enemy. Just wrapping my head around this, I could feel the shackles just fracture and fall away from me. I had literally broken free from my bondage. The calluses that were ripped off, the labels that I believed, no longer existed and were replaced with a single word. Saint. Now don't get me wrong, I am and will make  mistakes, it is part of my double-minded nature. Accepting this new label, and understanding it more so than I ever have in the past, I can consciously make choices that are more in line with my belief of Christ living in me than living in the flesh. I can learn to tune into what Christ would have me do than follow the lies of the enemy. When I do slip, I can repent and ask for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father, and learn not to make the same mistake twice.

     Today has been just amazing. On top of all this, I was having a conversation with one of the laborers at the job site today. I said something along the lines of, “I just pray that nothing goes wrong and you guys stay safe.” He just looked at me with this smile like he understood that I pray for them every time we go on the roof, and just responded with “Thanks!” I could honestly feel within myself the tone of the day just improve drastically, it was an awesome feeling. I am looking forward to seeing what other Inception like moments that this book is going to bring, specifically from chapter 6, “That We Are Not Fighting an Inner Civil War.” I will write again in a couple weeks after we have covered this chapter. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. Have a good week everyone!!

     “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

Acts 1:8

Solitude...

      It is very rare that I will have a Friday night alone. Usually I have the boys here and we are doing all sorts of sheningans. Tonight, is one of those rare nights however where I am spending a Friday night alone. I am able to just reflect on the last couple of weeks, and just see how life is finally beginning to set itself right. I've been listening to some powerful music, giving thanks, and listening to the rain outside. There is something about storms that is calming to me. Maybe it is because I am currently in one that I find it so calming. You learn however that the storm was never meant to harm you. This storm of life is meant to change you, transform you even. A rain to wash away the things that torment you, a rain to cleanse your thoughts and learn to find that stable ground which to step. A rain that purifies you. You find that in solitude you do a lot of reflection and thinking. You look at the outside as well as the inside. All I can say things are changing, in one way shape or form they are changing and you just need to look up and take it all in stride, one step at a time. One of my favorite quotes on nights like tonight is, “All is quiet on the eastern front...” You know that tonight is quiet, but tomorrow brings more chaos, but you hold onto the stillness of the night if only for a little while.

     In the last couple weeks, I've been told some amazing things. Things that I never thought would be possible to hear about myself. People were proud of who I am trying to become. A friend telling me he was glad to know me. My mom actually saying it was a delight to have me around and to quote her, “I couldn't always say that about you...” When people say these things to me and about me, it brings actual joy to my heart. For so long I have been fighting a label that I let define me. It has literally torn my psyche apart, and for friends, family, the men in my bible study to look at me and say, “What an awesome change we see in you…” I think back to the last several months of my life, was I really just so isolated that I didn't realize the man I was? Was I really such a horrible person that I would be labeled in such a way? The biggest thing that really hits home is hearing my mentor tell me how proud he is of me. There are two people that I have always wanted to hear that from, one of them never said it even though I was told he was very proud of me (Dad), and the other is her. Hearing someone tell me they are proud of me, it hits in a way I cannot describe, it hits the very core of my being. When my mentor says it to me, its almost as if my Dad is right there in the room saying it. My life has generally been filled with people calling me several nasty things, and eventually you just build up calluses to the things being said of you. You hear them but it doesn't really affect you. However, it took a single word to rip that callus off. Words hurt, more so than I show, but the one thing I have learned about this all is that you just have to stand tall like a mountain. People will onslaught you in ways you never thought imaginable, they will break you down, belittle you, and purposefully drive hate into you just to drive their perception of you home. When I hear my mentor, my family, and the men in my bible study say how proud they are of me, it wipes that slate clean, it makes it easier to take that step forward because I know that I am doing something right not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the Creator.

     I can honestly start to see the change in my life, moving in such a positive direction that I never dreamed imaginable just months ago. I have gotten a new job based on my credentials and without ever having a single interview. This job is allowing me to do something I have always wanted to do, it is allowing me to serve others. Getting thank you emails for working on such an extremely short notice. These things never happen to me, ever. I have had needs met that I did not know how I was going to feasibly accomplish, such as getting a new bed for Zeke or getting a pair of sunglasses that protect my eyes better. The return of laughter in my life, which is really huge to me because I have always had the mentality that if I can make at least one person laugh in a day then I know I have done something right. I've started paying more attention to the daily verse from my bible app, and am enjoying a new devotional each morning to start my day, and also being in constant prayer to keep those communication lines open with the Almighty. All these things are happening in my life that at points it makes my head spin, rarely do positive things occur in my life, and to finally start to see it is really a blessing. It is so easy to just sit in woe, but to truly be thankful and blessed is such a wonderful feeling. The Holy Spirit is moving in ways that I will never understand, but I know that it is for my benefit.

     In my meeting with my counselor on Thursday, I had posed this question, “If what you are fighting for isn't being reciprocated, then what is the point of fighting for it?” She told me to hold on to that thought, and we continued talking. I told her about the turning point, of realizing that being in solitude was never meant to hurt me but for my benefit. Learning to accept the flames of change instead of resisting them. I told her of the new job, of how people were saying these things I have rarely heard in my life, how they were proud of me, how they see an awesome change in me, how they see the laughter and joy coming back into my life. She responded in kind with, “These people aren't seeing you, they are starting to see the fruit of the spirit within you.” If you had told me months ago that this is what would be happening, I would have said, “bullshit.” I see it now. Before we returned to my question, the discussion with my counselor had shifted a little bit during our session. I told her how I had actually prayed with my mom, and how it felt truly powerful. For thirty something years this woman has poured her heart over me, even at the darkest of times in my life, and the one time I actually do pray with her my mom responds with, “I felt something amazing happen, something that I would never expect. Just wow… you are my beloved son, and you are changing. Just let God guide you, he will show you the way..” I continued talking to my counselor and I just said, “There are things that I do and I have no idea why I do them but I know somehow it is the right thing to do. Praying for her and the boys, being called to love her, being called to pursue patience, this is all beyond my realm of understanding but I know somewhere deep down it is the right thing to do.” It is true, I do these things and have no idea why I do them, but I just know that it is right. We returned to my question that I had posed to her earlier. “I want you to open your bible every time you think of that question. Your answer will be given in different ways, but search the Word and your answer will become apparent.” The session ended, I had a new assignment (thanks to her reading me Psalm 69) but the question still remained. This morning when I woke up, the question popped in my head again, immediately after I got an email from my mom. She had put a quote in the email, “Never underestimate the power of love and never underestimate the power of forgiveness.” Love and forgiveness. Once again out of my realm of understanding but I am called to love her, and to forgive her. To be honest it is a daunting task to look at her and think, “our slate is clean,” but I do. In regards to the love, well it is just something you do, regardless of how they may act towards you, how they may speak of you or to you, you just love them because that is all you can do. In reality you may be the only person that does, and regardless of what happens you know it is the right thing to do, even if you don't exactly understand why.

     It has taken time, but things are moving forward. The hardest part is not to get ahead of myself, just learn to take everything one step at a time. Pursue patience, put my trust in God, love, and forgive. Things we should all strive to do in our daily lives. Good night everyone.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

     and lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways submit to Him,

     and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3: 5-6

The Impossible Door...

     Imagine yourself, it is a summer's night. You see the lightening bugs flying around you, the sweet crisp smell of summer is in the air. There is a slight gust, a nice cool night. A night that makes you want to wear a hoodie and shorts. In the distance you can hear kids laughing and playing in the night. The street is illuminated with the dim glow of the street light from on the corner and from the full moon above you. You are sitting on a door step, the light behind you is on but the door is closed. You have been sitting at this doorstep waiting for the door to open, but somehow you know it doesn't but you still wait with hope that it does. Across the way is another house, the light has just been turned on. You become curious as to what is going on, but you still decide that you want to wait and see what happens. You are constantly looking both ways, behind you at the door that is closed, and forward to the door that has recently just opened. A familiar face peers out of the door across from you. The voice just calls out to you, but you just respond with “no thanks.. not tonight.” The person gives you that discouraged look but is always approving of everything and thinks nothing of it. It sits in the back of your mind, “maybe I should go over there… but.. what if this door opens...” You continue to sit on the door step, waiting, hoping but knowing the answer already. This door shut a long time ago, but you still fight the urge to want to leave that door step because someone had once told you something so intimate that you held on to it, you refused to let it out of your heart and that is why you stay at that door step. However, that curiosity still is building in you, the want to see what is behind that other door. Again, the familiar face opens the door and calls out to you. You still respond, “not tonight… I'll think I'll just wait right here..” Once again discouraged but accepting of your answer the person calls out to you again, “are you going to sit there all night?” You hear their words, but you don't know how exactly to respond. Are you going to sit here all night? Is this what you want to do? Thoughts and questions keep bouncing in the space between your ears. Before you know it, you look up and the person is standing right in front of you. They look at you, just this grin on their face that says they know something you don't. You become a little aggravated with them. Why do they keep wanting me to come over? The person looks at you, looks up at the door, and then looks back to you. “You know that door has been shut all this time yet here you are, just waiting. What are you waiting for?” The words hit you in a way you would not have expected, in a good way making your heart flutter a bit. This person knows how exactly to reach you even though you never would have thought they would be able to. “Look, you can sit here all night. Honestly I wouldn't blame you, but there is more to life than just waiting. Trust me, come over. Or you can just sit here, and well just wait. Your choice my man, but my door is always open you just need to make the choice.” The familiar figure looks down to you again, looks up at the door you are waiting for, and just smiles. “Well, like I said, my door is always open. I hope to see you soon.” The person spins on their heels, and walks back across the street. You become aware of the bugs, the sweet crisp summer air, the kids in the distance, you become aware of it all again. It hits you, but in that good way, the way that makes you want to take action. What are you waiting for? As you stand up, you dust off your shorts and look behind you. The door remains closed, but the front porch light still remains on. You take notice of the door, the intricacies of it, the memories of going in and out of this door. The good, the bad, the feelings, the memories, all of it. You smile. Somehow, someway you know that this door opens again, but for now you are done waiting. You stretch your arms for a quick second, and just look up at the full moon. Once again you take it all in, your surroundings, your environment, you soak it all up because you know everything is about to change in ways you would never imagine. You finally start walking across the street. Every couple of steps, you glance back, but you know that door still remains closed. You cross the sidewalk, and slowly walk up the set of steps in front of this new door. You ring the doorbell, and as you do you look back one last time. There is a part of you that wants that door you just left to open again. You look at where you had been sitting all this time, such a long time to be sitting in the same spot, but you feel it was worth waiting in that spot. You close your eyes, and just soak it all in for one last time. The sounds, the smells, the sights, the ambience of it all, you just absorb it, and as you do this grin just slowly comes across your face. You'll be back, you don't know how you know but you just know you will. As your grin morphs into a smile, you open your eyes. The door behind you is still closed, but you still smile, because the door in front of you has opened. That familiar person is just waiting and smiling at you, “I knew you'd come..” You just look at the them and say, “I didn't.. but it was time..” You smile, and walk through that door which you had been reluctant to pass through. The door where behind it you have no idea where it leads, but somehow you know everything is going to be alright. You pass through the Impossible Door.

     There is a turning point in our lives, when we realize that the thing we have resisted, the thing we have been hesitant about is the exact thing that we need. You realize that you are not in solitude for a bad reason. In this fortress of solitude, you begin to learn about yourself. Who you are, who you were, and who you want to become. You learn to draw upon the things that will define you for the rest of your life. You realize that you have been fighting yourself for so long that when you learn to accept the world as it is, the prison your mind has been trapped in becomes unlocked. You open the door of the cell you have erected around yourself, and step out of your thoughts and learn to focus on more important things. You realize that you were never meant to fight this battle, let alone this war. This war has already been fought, and won. This solitude you are in, you accept it not because you have to but because you want to. You look back at where you started, and how far you have come. Then you look forward, and see how far you have yet to go, but it does not frighten you anymore. Everything is already taken care of, all your answers are waiting ahead of you, it is just that you need to learn to wait for them. You learn to pursue patience rather than just standing still. You take each day, one step at a time, but knowing that you are moving forward from where it was that you have come from. The man who you were, that man is the past. The man you are becoming, that is who you are now. You learn that the things you thought you were supposed to be fighting for, were never yours to fight for. It becomes clear, if the what you are fighting for isn't being reciprocated, then why do you fight? If what you want out of life isn't a shared thought, then why chase that thought? I have resisted change for so long that, I just was stuck in the mud spinning my tires. It took one of the men from my bible study to kick start all of this, and it was a simple as being at lunch and hearing him say to me, “Dude, I see an awesome change in you… Mitch, I'm glad I know you.” You learn to embrace the flames, instead of resisting them. You learn to accept the world around you. You learn that you have changed, but it is not a complete process yet because there is more yet to come but what is coming ahead of you is for your benefit. I have toiled and struggled. I have self destructed, but I have started to overcome. I look in the mirror, and it finally becomes clear the man I want to be, the man God intended me to be. For the first time in months, I can say that I truly am starting to find joy, not just happiness, but joy in my heart. Mother's Day is when I realized this. Being around family, I had not truly laughed in over 6 months, but Sunday it came all rushing back. I am starting to feel the change, to feel myself become the man I am meant to be. I am starting to see the blessing in all of this, and it feels great. Just when all the pieces seem to be falling apart, is when you realize they are falling together. I know what I want from life, I know what I am willing to fight for, and who I am willing to fight for. As I cross this threshold of the impossible door, I look back but just smile. Things change, people change, and regardless of what happens I just know everything is going to be alright. The heart knows where it belongs, you just have to take it one step at a time. Where there is hope there is faith, and where there is faith miracles happen. In the end if you don't have faith, what do you have? Normally I end these with a quote from scripture but I'm going to use part of a poem from Robert Frost. Good night and God bless.

     Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

     I took the one less traveled by, 

     And that has made all the difference.