As I sit here in my computer chair, I am pondering what to even put into this blog. It has been since July that I have posted to this page, and yet words still seem to elude me. It is not because I can not formulate a thought, it is what thoughts do I want to put forth into this post with out it being a sense of rambles. In the end however, in that not what a "blog" is? An online forum of rambling from someone who wishes their thoughts/opinions/ideas heard?
I will just start with the short and simple to get my feet back under me in writing again, hopefully this will kick off the creative juices to have more literature endeavours down the road. We will see, I can not promise nor guarantee anything because like life things are always subject to change.
My last post was written on July 8th and it was in regards to a meeting I had with my boss as well as my manager at AT&T. About a week after that post was published I was released from my contract with AT&T, quoting my boss "Your services are no longer required by the company." Wow, if that isn't a kick to the dick. Now this would be the part of the post where I would begin the blame game. I could blame my "boss" for not being more attentive to my needs as an employee, but in actuality my needs did not matter since I was a contract employee therefore not directly responsible to AT&T. I could blame my manager, for getting a side promotion and acting like he had ascended to power over everyone and chose to bring down the hammer on me various times.. When in actuality I wrote all his spreadsheets and tracked them so he could look good in the eyes of the district manager, and of course take the credit but still dish out the backlash for not doing my, or I should be more precise, his job. I could blame my coworkers, for being inept in their ability to talk to customers and arrange site visits on their own, for not updating their Outlook calendars to reflect their personal schedules. Truth be told, half that office did not understand how to use a computer let alone a telephone/cellphone, I was surprised some of them retained the knowledge of tying shoelaces or being able to buckle a belt. I can associate the blame to whomever I want, but in actuality, the blame falls on one person, Me. The only person that truly caused this to happen was myself.
Looking back at the year and some odd months that I worked at AT&T, the only undeniable factor in everything was me. It was things that I could have done differently that would have meant the difference in being employed or in my current state of affairs, which is job hunting on a daily basis. There comes a point however, where after enough rejection, enough negativity, that it is ok to just walk away. Being told numerous times "maybe there will be an engineering position for you" or "if there is an engineering position for you", like a dog waiting for a treat that never comes I played along with the powers at be. When working in an office full of employees whom half do not care to be there because they have 30+ years on the job and could retire at any moments notice, and the others whom are looking to get out to the suburbs, where do I fall in line as a contractor trying to get a guaranteed full time position. At any given point during my work day, I was performing the job duties of a Project Manager, Engineer, Drafter, and Scheduling Planner, yet in the eyes of those in charge, I did not do enough, I did not perform well enough. This is where I need to grow as a future employee within my next company, where ever I may land on my feet. What is it that I could do better? How can I increase my performance without setting the standard to high, to set the bar at the right level so if I do fall short (cause in life we can not always hit the bar we will fall short, but we will also excel on numerous occasions too) I can hop right back on the horse? How can I perform my daily tasks so that it does not affect my work hours in a negative way? How can I be more proactive as compared to reactive? These are the questions I have to ask myself going into an interview for potential employment.
AT&T was a learning experience in every sense of the phrase. If I do not take these lessons learned and educate myself, then I have failed as an employee already. I know my abilities, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I know everything can always be improved upon in some way shape or form. Truth be told, I miss the city, but I do not miss the stress it brought upon my life. AT&T was not the dream job I could have hoped for, it was just another notch on my job belt towards hammering down my true career path. I know in all of this, the Lord provides me with strength and courage to keep my head on straight, and to continue walking the path He has set before me. When the time is right, He will provide, but until then I'll keep sending up "knee-mails" as my mentor refers to them as, asking for guidance in my life and to help me walk this path which was beset upon my life. All in His time, not mine.
I think that is enough for now. Hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving with friends and family full of laughter and joy. Be safe, keep warm, and until next time. night everyone...
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
A facade to hide the truth..
So first off I would like to apologize, I know it has been several weeks since I have written on my blog. There are some things that have been building up in my life that I have not been able to actually sit down and post like I have wanted. Today however, I am making the effort to actually sit down and write. Like I have said before these are my opinions, my thoughts, they are open for interpretation as you the reader see fit.
Why I wrote the title the way I did? It is plain ans simple, because its the truth. My life has a facade on it to hide the reality of what is going on behind the scenes. This is not about self pity, looking for attention, or any of that nonsense. This is simply the truth of the matter, how things are in my life as I see them. What I am about to admit is incredibly hard, and that is I am struggling. I am struggling in all facets of my life, trying to get at least a small grip of the chaos we call reality. I have been told this numerous times and I even said it to a fraternity brother yesterday, "things do get better," is what I have been told and said to others. I have to believe this because if I do not, then I will lose hope and slide back down a hole that I am trying to emerge from. I have to believe this so I can continue making strides forward in my life, not only for myself but for Zeke as well. I have to believe because if I don't, then all is lost, and i will not go down that road again. I know where that road leads, and it is not an option. All of this stems from the events at work today, and how I had to explain to my boss and my manager what my reality is.
At about 10 o'clock this morning I was brought into my bosses office for an impromptu meeting with her as well as my manager. Normally these things happen due to the nature of the job I work, such as outages, emergency repairs, problems with database uploads/downloads, etc. This meeting was not of that kind. I was brought into the meeting because they were ready to fire me. It was a meeting that determined whether or not tomorrow I would be employed. Other minor things such as certain spreadsheets/trackers not getting the data saved propery was also brought up, but the meeting was about my current status and future with AT&T. It all started with these words "Do you even want to work here or should we just cut ties now?" being said by my boss. I replied with, "How honest do you want my answer to be?" or something similiar, not the best choice of words but they opened to door to what I am about to paraphrase/remember from that meeting.
I am writing this part as if I were talking to my boss (like I said paraphrase/remembering what I had said or something similar to it): "I work 40 hours a week. I do the job(s) of what should.could be assigned to 4 different people. I do them with out complaints on my end, or the customers. I do what is asked of me sometimes going above and beyond what the job entails. Between the work that I do, if I focus on Item A then Item B is left in the dust and falls behind extremely fast. If I focus on Item B, then Item A falls behind extremely fast. I can do one but not both, plain and simple. You ask me if I want to be an engineer here? Where is the incentive when every time I apply for a position, even when handed the job number before it is even posted, I am instantly rejected. I work my ass off and that I should apply for these positions, but I am rejected every time that I do apply. On top of that you have brought my attendance into question, saying I call off because of this and that. Here is the truth, I call off because I cannot afford to come into work, because even with 40 hours logged I still cannot make ends meet. I have to make the decision of driving to the train station, or driving to pick up my son. I have to make the decision of putting gas in my car, or putting food on my sons plate, to pay his insurance or pay the power or water bill. I have to decide on a daily basis of what I can go with out so my son does not. So if I am not at my desk, it is for a damned good reason. Yes, I want to work for AT&T, yes I want to be an engineer here, in fact I want that career path. I can do the work, you've seen it, the engineers on the floor have seen it and the quality of what I can produce for this company is beyond reproach. Yet I am rejected with every application I put in, and even with hours I work I still miss time because of the decisions I am forced to make. So tell me what it is I am supposed to do? I want the position because it will help solve a lot of issues with my life, the vast majority of which revolve around finances. You want me to have the position because you hired me believing I was a good fit for your team, you wouldn't be meeting with me like this if you still did not believe that. So I mean what is it that I am supposed to do that I'm not already doing?"
(Side Note: My boss knows the situation revolving around Zeke, so she knows that I only get him on the weekends, but the still does not detract from the truth of the matter and what i had said.)
Thinking back on it, even though it was incredibly hard for me to say what I did, the only thing I have is honesty and that's what I gave her (meaning my boss). After saying my piece, my boss and I continued to discuss my future with AT&T, except this time it was in a different context. It was not "hey, we're about to fire you. your thoughts??" This time it was, "There is an understanding of reality on both parties sides, what is the common ground we can start from and build from there." I want to work for AT&T, I want that engineering position. Do I think I've earned it? Maybe not yet, but I do know that I have to improve my performance in whatever way I can to help solidify that. I understand that calling off is not conducive to this, but when my choice is Zeke or my job, Zeke will win hands down. If in the end that means AT&T and I have to part ways, then so be it. I'm not going to leave with out exploring whatever options I have available to me, which means looking at the different offices for possible employment opportunities with AT&T be it engineer or field tech, or whatever designation they have for certain jobs. I am going to do whatever it is I have to make sure I am still working, to make sure I am still providing support for my son, but at the same time making sure I will be able to have him in my care on the weekends. He is the number one priority in my life, making sure his needs are taken care of is and always will be more important than that of my own. I will go without so he never will.
In regards to the rapid change, after all this was discussed and mulled over by both myself and my boss. I was told to hand her my resume. My resume is going to be revamped and forwarded to the correct parties (because apparently HR had other plans for my applications, AKA out the window) to hopefully have a game plan for my future within the company by Friday, if not then on Monday. I am hopeful in what she and I can come up with, and the possible alternatives to situation at hand. There is always an alternative, and seeking that option right now is the best bet. I love the city, and I love working downtown but if the opportunity means moving to a different office within AT&T, then so be it. I'll accept it and continue to learn as well as strive for my best in that position. I'm just thankful in all of this that my boss was willing to listen, and that I had the courage to tell her my reality. She had a choice to make, and I as well had a choice to make. Thankfully, the decision of both parties led to positive outcome and future, because the alternative could have been "So long, sorry bout cha!!"
Well, my pre-work out just kicked in and I feel like I just engulfed 75 Redbulls at one time so I need to go hit some heavy ass weights. Until next time folks, go in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to Jebus, I mean God. Haha. Night everyone!!
Why I wrote the title the way I did? It is plain ans simple, because its the truth. My life has a facade on it to hide the reality of what is going on behind the scenes. This is not about self pity, looking for attention, or any of that nonsense. This is simply the truth of the matter, how things are in my life as I see them. What I am about to admit is incredibly hard, and that is I am struggling. I am struggling in all facets of my life, trying to get at least a small grip of the chaos we call reality. I have been told this numerous times and I even said it to a fraternity brother yesterday, "things do get better," is what I have been told and said to others. I have to believe this because if I do not, then I will lose hope and slide back down a hole that I am trying to emerge from. I have to believe this so I can continue making strides forward in my life, not only for myself but for Zeke as well. I have to believe because if I don't, then all is lost, and i will not go down that road again. I know where that road leads, and it is not an option. All of this stems from the events at work today, and how I had to explain to my boss and my manager what my reality is.
At about 10 o'clock this morning I was brought into my bosses office for an impromptu meeting with her as well as my manager. Normally these things happen due to the nature of the job I work, such as outages, emergency repairs, problems with database uploads/downloads, etc. This meeting was not of that kind. I was brought into the meeting because they were ready to fire me. It was a meeting that determined whether or not tomorrow I would be employed. Other minor things such as certain spreadsheets/trackers not getting the data saved propery was also brought up, but the meeting was about my current status and future with AT&T. It all started with these words "Do you even want to work here or should we just cut ties now?" being said by my boss. I replied with, "How honest do you want my answer to be?" or something similiar, not the best choice of words but they opened to door to what I am about to paraphrase/remember from that meeting.
I am writing this part as if I were talking to my boss (like I said paraphrase/remembering what I had said or something similar to it): "I work 40 hours a week. I do the job(s) of what should.could be assigned to 4 different people. I do them with out complaints on my end, or the customers. I do what is asked of me sometimes going above and beyond what the job entails. Between the work that I do, if I focus on Item A then Item B is left in the dust and falls behind extremely fast. If I focus on Item B, then Item A falls behind extremely fast. I can do one but not both, plain and simple. You ask me if I want to be an engineer here? Where is the incentive when every time I apply for a position, even when handed the job number before it is even posted, I am instantly rejected. I work my ass off and that I should apply for these positions, but I am rejected every time that I do apply. On top of that you have brought my attendance into question, saying I call off because of this and that. Here is the truth, I call off because I cannot afford to come into work, because even with 40 hours logged I still cannot make ends meet. I have to make the decision of driving to the train station, or driving to pick up my son. I have to make the decision of putting gas in my car, or putting food on my sons plate, to pay his insurance or pay the power or water bill. I have to decide on a daily basis of what I can go with out so my son does not. So if I am not at my desk, it is for a damned good reason. Yes, I want to work for AT&T, yes I want to be an engineer here, in fact I want that career path. I can do the work, you've seen it, the engineers on the floor have seen it and the quality of what I can produce for this company is beyond reproach. Yet I am rejected with every application I put in, and even with hours I work I still miss time because of the decisions I am forced to make. So tell me what it is I am supposed to do? I want the position because it will help solve a lot of issues with my life, the vast majority of which revolve around finances. You want me to have the position because you hired me believing I was a good fit for your team, you wouldn't be meeting with me like this if you still did not believe that. So I mean what is it that I am supposed to do that I'm not already doing?"
(Side Note: My boss knows the situation revolving around Zeke, so she knows that I only get him on the weekends, but the still does not detract from the truth of the matter and what i had said.)
Thinking back on it, even though it was incredibly hard for me to say what I did, the only thing I have is honesty and that's what I gave her (meaning my boss). After saying my piece, my boss and I continued to discuss my future with AT&T, except this time it was in a different context. It was not "hey, we're about to fire you. your thoughts??" This time it was, "There is an understanding of reality on both parties sides, what is the common ground we can start from and build from there." I want to work for AT&T, I want that engineering position. Do I think I've earned it? Maybe not yet, but I do know that I have to improve my performance in whatever way I can to help solidify that. I understand that calling off is not conducive to this, but when my choice is Zeke or my job, Zeke will win hands down. If in the end that means AT&T and I have to part ways, then so be it. I'm not going to leave with out exploring whatever options I have available to me, which means looking at the different offices for possible employment opportunities with AT&T be it engineer or field tech, or whatever designation they have for certain jobs. I am going to do whatever it is I have to make sure I am still working, to make sure I am still providing support for my son, but at the same time making sure I will be able to have him in my care on the weekends. He is the number one priority in my life, making sure his needs are taken care of is and always will be more important than that of my own. I will go without so he never will.
In regards to the rapid change, after all this was discussed and mulled over by both myself and my boss. I was told to hand her my resume. My resume is going to be revamped and forwarded to the correct parties (because apparently HR had other plans for my applications, AKA out the window) to hopefully have a game plan for my future within the company by Friday, if not then on Monday. I am hopeful in what she and I can come up with, and the possible alternatives to situation at hand. There is always an alternative, and seeking that option right now is the best bet. I love the city, and I love working downtown but if the opportunity means moving to a different office within AT&T, then so be it. I'll accept it and continue to learn as well as strive for my best in that position. I'm just thankful in all of this that my boss was willing to listen, and that I had the courage to tell her my reality. She had a choice to make, and I as well had a choice to make. Thankfully, the decision of both parties led to positive outcome and future, because the alternative could have been "So long, sorry bout cha!!"
Well, my pre-work out just kicked in and I feel like I just engulfed 75 Redbulls at one time so I need to go hit some heavy ass weights. Until next time folks, go in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to Jebus, I mean God. Haha. Night everyone!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Doing the right thing..
I've been debating alot right now about what my next few posts in the blog are going to be about. I have toyed with a couple ideas, bu this one comes from today. It post piggy backs off a post earlier I had made on facebook about doing the right thing. I have been thinking about it all day, and taking into my thoughts the talks I've had over the last several months with my mentor as well as my mom what it means to do the "right thing".
Why do we do the right thing?
Because its the right thing to do.
I'll go a little bit more in depth on that as to what it means to me to "do the right thing". For me, doing the right thing means backing up my words with actions. The reason I am not with her anymore is because I didn't do the right thing. I didn't make the right decisions. I was making promises and not sticking to my word, leaving always with "oh, we'll do it later" or :maybe next time", I failed to see that there would be no next time. I needed to learn what the "right thing" to do was. I understand now, what the right thing for me to do is. Its something that I've always wanted to do, but could never really show or explain it until recently. Going through what I'm going through, and the pain I have endured I realize how much I had hidden away from it all. How I never truly dealt with loss in my life, I always found a way to circumvent that, aka drinking. Looking back this is how I've handled the worst situations in my life, and now that I don't have the ability to numb away the pain for the first time I am truly having to face it. When dad died, I was in the bar numbing away the pain, because I couldn't handle the loss of my father. When I had asked Steph to marry me and she said "no", I went back to old demons again spending most of my paycheck in the bar. When Emily ended things, it was right back to the bottle, for a short while. Then I came to my senses, I can't be a drunk and be a father. I had to "do the right thing" and force myself to quit drinking, to force myself out of those situations, in essence I had to force myself to change who I was and get on the path of who I am to become. I forced myself to "do the right thing".
Going back to what I had said earlier, I now know and understand what doing the "right thing" means, even if my actions are late but I know and understand better now than before that they are not meaningless. Right now, its helping her find a job, to use the resources that I have and connections I have that I can reach out to others to help her find employment. I do this because its right, and I do this with out expecting anything in return. I spend my weekends with Zeke, being the weekend warrior dad because that is the role that I am put into. Do I want more time with Zeke? Do I want to see him and hold him everyday? More than anything in this world I do, but because of the situation and how things are that is just not in the cards currently. Well not even currently, that is how they will be for the future as well. I made a decision, it was the right decision, not to take her to court over my son because I believe that the ends will justify the means. That something good and positive will come from all this right now, its been hell on wheels let me tell you but I'm sticking to my decision. Two things have been said of me in regards to this, and the people who have said it say it defines the man that I am and the character I instill in others.
"When others are looking for an out, you're looking for an in. You want to be something more than you were, and its her own fault if she doesn't see that." -from a friend
"In today's society, people are so quick to goto war and get lawyers to fight one another. Or just write a check and be done with everything, to walk away 'clean'. In the end fighting does nothing, writing a check does nothing. The path you have chosen, very few walk, and yes it will be difficult. But I am at your side, and God is at your side. Choosing the higher path may not be the safest way, but through God, and through his word anything is possible. You can get through this." - my mentor
Doing the right thing means being the weekend warrior dad. Doing the right thing means trying to help her find a job because of the resources I have available. Doing the right thing means trying to spend equal amount of time with both Caleb and Zeke, to show that I can be a positive influence on their lives. That I can be a mentor, and that even though she and I aren't together show them that adults can work things out. That given the circumstances parents can be mindful and respectful of one another. I pray that Caleb and Zeke are wise beyond their years and understand how to do the right thing. That when the time comes they will stand up for waht they believe in no matter the cost. Because doing "the right thing" is in essence what we all should strive to do.
I'll be writing again soon all.. have a wonderful week and wekend. Spend time with the ones you love, and be sure to tell them you love them. GO in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to God. G'nite everyone!!
Why do we do the right thing?
Because its the right thing to do.
I'll go a little bit more in depth on that as to what it means to me to "do the right thing". For me, doing the right thing means backing up my words with actions. The reason I am not with her anymore is because I didn't do the right thing. I didn't make the right decisions. I was making promises and not sticking to my word, leaving always with "oh, we'll do it later" or :maybe next time", I failed to see that there would be no next time. I needed to learn what the "right thing" to do was. I understand now, what the right thing for me to do is. Its something that I've always wanted to do, but could never really show or explain it until recently. Going through what I'm going through, and the pain I have endured I realize how much I had hidden away from it all. How I never truly dealt with loss in my life, I always found a way to circumvent that, aka drinking. Looking back this is how I've handled the worst situations in my life, and now that I don't have the ability to numb away the pain for the first time I am truly having to face it. When dad died, I was in the bar numbing away the pain, because I couldn't handle the loss of my father. When I had asked Steph to marry me and she said "no", I went back to old demons again spending most of my paycheck in the bar. When Emily ended things, it was right back to the bottle, for a short while. Then I came to my senses, I can't be a drunk and be a father. I had to "do the right thing" and force myself to quit drinking, to force myself out of those situations, in essence I had to force myself to change who I was and get on the path of who I am to become. I forced myself to "do the right thing".
Going back to what I had said earlier, I now know and understand what doing the "right thing" means, even if my actions are late but I know and understand better now than before that they are not meaningless. Right now, its helping her find a job, to use the resources that I have and connections I have that I can reach out to others to help her find employment. I do this because its right, and I do this with out expecting anything in return. I spend my weekends with Zeke, being the weekend warrior dad because that is the role that I am put into. Do I want more time with Zeke? Do I want to see him and hold him everyday? More than anything in this world I do, but because of the situation and how things are that is just not in the cards currently. Well not even currently, that is how they will be for the future as well. I made a decision, it was the right decision, not to take her to court over my son because I believe that the ends will justify the means. That something good and positive will come from all this right now, its been hell on wheels let me tell you but I'm sticking to my decision. Two things have been said of me in regards to this, and the people who have said it say it defines the man that I am and the character I instill in others.
"When others are looking for an out, you're looking for an in. You want to be something more than you were, and its her own fault if she doesn't see that." -from a friend
"In today's society, people are so quick to goto war and get lawyers to fight one another. Or just write a check and be done with everything, to walk away 'clean'. In the end fighting does nothing, writing a check does nothing. The path you have chosen, very few walk, and yes it will be difficult. But I am at your side, and God is at your side. Choosing the higher path may not be the safest way, but through God, and through his word anything is possible. You can get through this." - my mentor
Doing the right thing means being the weekend warrior dad. Doing the right thing means trying to help her find a job because of the resources I have available. Doing the right thing means trying to spend equal amount of time with both Caleb and Zeke, to show that I can be a positive influence on their lives. That I can be a mentor, and that even though she and I aren't together show them that adults can work things out. That given the circumstances parents can be mindful and respectful of one another. I pray that Caleb and Zeke are wise beyond their years and understand how to do the right thing. That when the time comes they will stand up for waht they believe in no matter the cost. Because doing "the right thing" is in essence what we all should strive to do.
I'll be writing again soon all.. have a wonderful week and wekend. Spend time with the ones you love, and be sure to tell them you love them. GO in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to God. G'nite everyone!!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
The Anger Inside Me..
This post stems from a lot that has happened to me within the last year. The discovery of where my deep rooted pain comes from, and how I have begun to develop the tools to deal with issues that arise in my life. Even today if you read my facebook, just taking a simple walk around my building helped clear my head from the problems that were arising at work.
"That's my secret Captain: I'm always angry" - Bruce Banner
anger - noun - a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad : the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc. : the feeling of being angry
That is the definition of angry according to Merriam-Webster. Anger. We all have it within us. It is part of our nature as humans to have anger, be it towards another person, or object. It resides deep within us as people and on occasion it rear its ugly head, and when it does bad things happen.
For the better part of a year I was angry. Even today I still am, but we'll get to that later. I was angry because of the situation that was handed over to me. I was angry because the decisions I was making I thought were the right ones, but having looked back at what I was doing it was completely wrong. Once again, lessons learned but never forgotten. The situation was because of my actions, because of my inability to act on promises made, and to not hold true to my word. In essence I was angry because of who I was and what I was doing. I was angry because I was naive enough to believe that the situation I was about to become part of could be solved easily, when in reality it cannot. I was angry because I wanted more, but didn't show it in fact I did quite the opposite. Once again, I was angry at me. I internalized it, and fueled it with alcohol. It was so much easier to be angry at someone and just associate all the blame to that single person. Why was life bad? Her. Why can't I go out and have fun? Her. Why don't we see each other often enough? Her. I was associating it all onto one person, when I should have been realizing the true picture unfolding before my eyes.
"Why are you angry?"
It wasn't until I started meeting with my mentor that I started to ask myself this question. Why was I angry? The first thing I had to address was my anger with God. I was beyond angry, almost to the point of being furious for him taking Dad. I know now that I never should have had these thoughts. His plan, though not known to us at the time, is always revealed. After speaking with Dave, I begun to hash out the plan set before myself. Losing Dad brought an enormous amount of friction on my mother, myself, and my brother to the point where I did not speak to my mother or my brother for months to almost a year at a time. Now I realize that His ultimate plan, was to bring us closer together as a family, and that does not just apply to my mom and brother, it applies to my intermediate family as well. We lost Dad, though tragic, it helped us develop bonds with my aunt and uncle that weren't there before. Now we communicate with each other on a weekly if not daily basis (have to give credit were credit is due: Facebook helps with this one). Once I realized this, once I started to accept His plan for my life and the course he has set forth for me, life changed instantaneously. No longer did I hold hatred or malice in my heart, because those feelings were what was making everything seem empty. Once I started to rid myself of these, only then could I begin to fill my cup of life.
"Words when spoken should be of praise, they should be uplifting, and they should empower you. For the better part of a year, nothing of what I said to you were any of those things."
I said that to Emily back in March. That statement holds true for anyone when we speak. One of the main reasons I held so much anger in my heart was because when I would speak to her I would lash out. I would speak to her but my words would be laced with anger and hatred. It was not until starting to meet with Dave that I realized this. I wanted to communicate to her, with her, but I did not know how because of the anger that I had within me. Once I was able to let go of the hate, only then did the healing truly begin, for myself at least. Only in letting go, was I able to free the shackles which I had restrained myself with.
"We have the tools, we have the talent!!" - Winston Zeddemore
Since meeting with my mentor, the biggest thing that I have been able to do is develop the tools that I need to help deal with the issue that are in my life. Yes, life is hard but it does not need to be overwhelmingly impossible. God does not put obstacles in our lives that we cannot overcome. So yes, I will get angry and frustrated from time to time. That might stem from something at work, to not being able to lift what I wanted to, to even something involving her; but I now am developing the tools to help deal with this in my own way. If things get to the point where I feel like I cannot handle them, then I listen to something my Mom said to me and I follow it, "Lift unto Him, and he will take the pain away." So when you find yourself getting angry, and you're not exactly why, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you angry because this is something that is within your realm of control? Are you angry because it is out of your realm of control, and you wish you could have handled it differently? Go for a quick walk to clear you mind, look up a passage in the "good book" or from one of your favorite novels to read over real quick, and if none of that helps a nice "knee-mail" can always do the trick. Good night everyone. Enjoy your Mother's this weekend, give them an extra big hug or tell them you love them one more time!!
"That's my secret Captain: I'm always angry" - Bruce Banner
anger - noun - a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad : the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc. : the feeling of being angry
That is the definition of angry according to Merriam-Webster. Anger. We all have it within us. It is part of our nature as humans to have anger, be it towards another person, or object. It resides deep within us as people and on occasion it rear its ugly head, and when it does bad things happen.
For the better part of a year I was angry. Even today I still am, but we'll get to that later. I was angry because of the situation that was handed over to me. I was angry because the decisions I was making I thought were the right ones, but having looked back at what I was doing it was completely wrong. Once again, lessons learned but never forgotten. The situation was because of my actions, because of my inability to act on promises made, and to not hold true to my word. In essence I was angry because of who I was and what I was doing. I was angry because I was naive enough to believe that the situation I was about to become part of could be solved easily, when in reality it cannot. I was angry because I wanted more, but didn't show it in fact I did quite the opposite. Once again, I was angry at me. I internalized it, and fueled it with alcohol. It was so much easier to be angry at someone and just associate all the blame to that single person. Why was life bad? Her. Why can't I go out and have fun? Her. Why don't we see each other often enough? Her. I was associating it all onto one person, when I should have been realizing the true picture unfolding before my eyes.
"Why are you angry?"
It wasn't until I started meeting with my mentor that I started to ask myself this question. Why was I angry? The first thing I had to address was my anger with God. I was beyond angry, almost to the point of being furious for him taking Dad. I know now that I never should have had these thoughts. His plan, though not known to us at the time, is always revealed. After speaking with Dave, I begun to hash out the plan set before myself. Losing Dad brought an enormous amount of friction on my mother, myself, and my brother to the point where I did not speak to my mother or my brother for months to almost a year at a time. Now I realize that His ultimate plan, was to bring us closer together as a family, and that does not just apply to my mom and brother, it applies to my intermediate family as well. We lost Dad, though tragic, it helped us develop bonds with my aunt and uncle that weren't there before. Now we communicate with each other on a weekly if not daily basis (have to give credit were credit is due: Facebook helps with this one). Once I realized this, once I started to accept His plan for my life and the course he has set forth for me, life changed instantaneously. No longer did I hold hatred or malice in my heart, because those feelings were what was making everything seem empty. Once I started to rid myself of these, only then could I begin to fill my cup of life.
"Words when spoken should be of praise, they should be uplifting, and they should empower you. For the better part of a year, nothing of what I said to you were any of those things."
I said that to Emily back in March. That statement holds true for anyone when we speak. One of the main reasons I held so much anger in my heart was because when I would speak to her I would lash out. I would speak to her but my words would be laced with anger and hatred. It was not until starting to meet with Dave that I realized this. I wanted to communicate to her, with her, but I did not know how because of the anger that I had within me. Once I was able to let go of the hate, only then did the healing truly begin, for myself at least. Only in letting go, was I able to free the shackles which I had restrained myself with.
"We have the tools, we have the talent!!" - Winston Zeddemore
Since meeting with my mentor, the biggest thing that I have been able to do is develop the tools that I need to help deal with the issue that are in my life. Yes, life is hard but it does not need to be overwhelmingly impossible. God does not put obstacles in our lives that we cannot overcome. So yes, I will get angry and frustrated from time to time. That might stem from something at work, to not being able to lift what I wanted to, to even something involving her; but I now am developing the tools to help deal with this in my own way. If things get to the point where I feel like I cannot handle them, then I listen to something my Mom said to me and I follow it, "Lift unto Him, and he will take the pain away." So when you find yourself getting angry, and you're not exactly why, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you angry because this is something that is within your realm of control? Are you angry because it is out of your realm of control, and you wish you could have handled it differently? Go for a quick walk to clear you mind, look up a passage in the "good book" or from one of your favorite novels to read over real quick, and if none of that helps a nice "knee-mail" can always do the trick. Good night everyone. Enjoy your Mother's this weekend, give them an extra big hug or tell them you love them one more time!!
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Best of Me..
Fridays are the day I actually look forward to because when I leave work I know that in just a few short hours I will be able to see the best of what defines me. I get to see Zeke. This post will have some parts that for me to write will be hard, but like I have said previously these are my thoughts.
Ezekiel,
My son, my brave little boy. It is with great sadness that I am writing you on this quiet Sunday evening. Your mother and I, though we love each other very much, will not be able to raise you together. Through our own actions, she and I will be separated during your life. When you love someone, you know how to hurt that person. You hurt them to the core, and sometimes it is too great an obstacle to overcome. Know this my child, she and I love you. We will always love you. You my son are simply amazing, and it pains me to know that your life will be difficult. Things will not come easy to you, but your mother and I will make sure that you never want in your life. That you will always be provided for. I love you my son, and everyday that I am not with you I am missing you greatly. I watch you walk and grow into the incredible young man you are to be and it brings joy to my heart. As always I love you my son and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again. I will write to you again soon my child,
Love,
Dad
I wrote that letter to my son back in August of last year. Rereading those words it still brings pain into my heart, not because the decisions that were made, but because of the actions from both her and I that lead to those decisions. Everything happens for a reason, we just may not know it at the time. Zeke truly brings out the best in me in that he has shown me what it means to be whole again. I come home to an empty house every night of the week except Friday night, because on that night my house is not a house anymore, it becomes my home. It becomes the place that I get to hear the laughter of an amazing little boy. The place that I get to lay his dreary little head down when he wants to go to sleep. I get to hear the squeaks and giggles when his hand is licked by Sarabi. I get to watch him run around the first floor, climb the steps up stairs, and hold his hands as he walks down them. I truly become alive, and my house morphs into my home, my place of sanctuary from the world outside. I realize now the things that I have always wanted to do since Zeke has come into my life I am actually doing. I am feeding my son, I am helping him change into and out of his clothes, I am giving him baths on Saturday mornings before breakfast, and I am taking him to the park to watch him go down slides plus many other things just involved with him being with me. I failed to realize this a long time ago, but now looking back at it all I am getting the memories that I have always wanted since becoming a father. Zeke brings the best out in me, he has shown me that there truly is a reason to change who you are, to change the path your life is on, and to show me that there is one cause, one thing I am willing to sacrifice life, limb and happiness for. Zeke is it all, and then some.
"When I see you sitting here before me, I see George. I see him in you, and I see you in your son. George is here with you, so don't worry I'm sure he has a good eye on you and Zeke."
My mentor said that to me a couple weeks ago when we were having one of our Saturday morning talks. I still tear up thinking about it. I am envious that Emily has the opportunity to see her father with Zeke. I however am happy at the same time she gets this, and that Zeke gets this as well. Even though my father is gone, there are still two amazing men and two amazing women that love my son, two amazing sets of grandparents that get to have the bundle of joy that is Zeke in their lives. Do I wish that Zeke could meet Dad? With all my heart yes. I know that will not happen, but I do know that Dad is with me every day, and he is watching over Zeke even as I type this. At Christmas I was have these train of thoughts, and I did something I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote Jim a letter, and in that letter I wrote the two things I have wanted to say to him for a long time, basically since he came into my life. 1) I thanked him for loving my mom as much as he does, and 2) I thanked him for giving me the memories of seeing grandpa with Zeke. Zeke is very much loved by both Emily's family as well as my family, and in this I could never be more proud than I am right now.
I'll leave you all with this for now. Things with Zeke are continuing to get better. Yes, as much as it hurts I do not get to see him every day, but when I write to him as I do I feel like I am with him. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to walk into my house and see him running towards me with open arms and a smile on his face screaming, "DADDY!!" I look at Zeke and I am reminded of the things that can truly make a person want to change, to better themselves in all facets of life. I was trying to think of a witty quote to end this on, but the only thing that comes to mind is an image from the Simpsons. When you look at it you will understand. (Even though it says "her", in my mind it says "him"). Good night and good weekend everyone, be safe and enjoy yourselves with your loved ones!!
Ezekiel,
My son, my brave little boy. It is with great sadness that I am writing you on this quiet Sunday evening. Your mother and I, though we love each other very much, will not be able to raise you together. Through our own actions, she and I will be separated during your life. When you love someone, you know how to hurt that person. You hurt them to the core, and sometimes it is too great an obstacle to overcome. Know this my child, she and I love you. We will always love you. You my son are simply amazing, and it pains me to know that your life will be difficult. Things will not come easy to you, but your mother and I will make sure that you never want in your life. That you will always be provided for. I love you my son, and everyday that I am not with you I am missing you greatly. I watch you walk and grow into the incredible young man you are to be and it brings joy to my heart. As always I love you my son and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms again. I will write to you again soon my child,
Love,
Dad
I wrote that letter to my son back in August of last year. Rereading those words it still brings pain into my heart, not because the decisions that were made, but because of the actions from both her and I that lead to those decisions. Everything happens for a reason, we just may not know it at the time. Zeke truly brings out the best in me in that he has shown me what it means to be whole again. I come home to an empty house every night of the week except Friday night, because on that night my house is not a house anymore, it becomes my home. It becomes the place that I get to hear the laughter of an amazing little boy. The place that I get to lay his dreary little head down when he wants to go to sleep. I get to hear the squeaks and giggles when his hand is licked by Sarabi. I get to watch him run around the first floor, climb the steps up stairs, and hold his hands as he walks down them. I truly become alive, and my house morphs into my home, my place of sanctuary from the world outside. I realize now the things that I have always wanted to do since Zeke has come into my life I am actually doing. I am feeding my son, I am helping him change into and out of his clothes, I am giving him baths on Saturday mornings before breakfast, and I am taking him to the park to watch him go down slides plus many other things just involved with him being with me. I failed to realize this a long time ago, but now looking back at it all I am getting the memories that I have always wanted since becoming a father. Zeke brings the best out in me, he has shown me that there truly is a reason to change who you are, to change the path your life is on, and to show me that there is one cause, one thing I am willing to sacrifice life, limb and happiness for. Zeke is it all, and then some.
"When I see you sitting here before me, I see George. I see him in you, and I see you in your son. George is here with you, so don't worry I'm sure he has a good eye on you and Zeke."
My mentor said that to me a couple weeks ago when we were having one of our Saturday morning talks. I still tear up thinking about it. I am envious that Emily has the opportunity to see her father with Zeke. I however am happy at the same time she gets this, and that Zeke gets this as well. Even though my father is gone, there are still two amazing men and two amazing women that love my son, two amazing sets of grandparents that get to have the bundle of joy that is Zeke in their lives. Do I wish that Zeke could meet Dad? With all my heart yes. I know that will not happen, but I do know that Dad is with me every day, and he is watching over Zeke even as I type this. At Christmas I was have these train of thoughts, and I did something I had wanted to for a long time. I wrote Jim a letter, and in that letter I wrote the two things I have wanted to say to him for a long time, basically since he came into my life. 1) I thanked him for loving my mom as much as he does, and 2) I thanked him for giving me the memories of seeing grandpa with Zeke. Zeke is very much loved by both Emily's family as well as my family, and in this I could never be more proud than I am right now.
I'll leave you all with this for now. Things with Zeke are continuing to get better. Yes, as much as it hurts I do not get to see him every day, but when I write to him as I do I feel like I am with him. Maybe one day in the future I will be able to walk into my house and see him running towards me with open arms and a smile on his face screaming, "DADDY!!" I look at Zeke and I am reminded of the things that can truly make a person want to change, to better themselves in all facets of life. I was trying to think of a witty quote to end this on, but the only thing that comes to mind is an image from the Simpsons. When you look at it you will understand. (Even though it says "her", in my mind it says "him"). Good night and good weekend everyone, be safe and enjoy yourselves with your loved ones!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
In Darkness, there is Light.. Part 2 of 2
This is the second part of a two part post. Just a forewarning, this post will be "preachy" as some would put it. Please respect this, feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions but as I stated in my first post these are my interpretations. My thoughts and my feelings, so be respectful of them.
"God has finally answered my prayers..." - Mom
These were the words that came from my Mom when I finally reached out for help. For the longest of times, my friends, and my family had been waiting. Secretly yearning for me to ask for help, but I could not do it until I was ready, until I realized that I no longer could control the chaos that was my life. When things are in a spiral like they were for me, you do everything within your own power to control the chaos, but no matter what move you make or decision you make things still are in a swirling tempest of uncertainty. I was calling lawyers and getting consultations, I was listening to the thoughts of others before listening to my own, and I was making ridiculous statements only to have them amount to nothing. All this was creating a tempest of uncertainty and chaos and despair in my life until that moment when I stopped to call out for aid. For me to reach out, instantly stopped this tempest. Looking back on it now, it was a sigh of relief for a lot of people, even though it hurt them as much as it hurt me, they saw me break but they also got to see the first step forward. The hardest step anyone can take in their lives.
The second words out of my mom were this, "You WILL call the church, and you WILL leave a message. Do not dolly on this, you do it and you do it now." After she and I spoke for a little longer, mostly her being liberated by the fact I finally reached out, we hung up and I made the call to the church. That Saturday, I met with the man who I now call my mentor and my friend. He is my Stephen's Minister, and he helped ignite a fire in me that laid dormant for so many years. His name is Dave Spitler. Dave, in all ways has helped me turn my life around. Since the first weekend of November, Dave and I have been meeting every Saturday morning to talk. At first our discussions were how angry I was at "her", how furious "she" made me, and how these thoughts were destroying who I was because of my anger. How because of everything I had not had a full nights sleep in months (to put the sleep thing in perspective, and some of you know this, I would lay down at around 10 at night but my brain would be firing constantly, so in actuality I was not passing out until 2 or 3 in the morning only to wake up at 4:30 to get ready for work. This schedule happened for the better part of the summer and fall), how my health was deteriorating, and I was just a shade of who I once was. He listened to everything that I had to say, and simply asked "Why are you angry?" I stopped dead in my tracks. Why had I been angry all this time, was it because of "her", was it because of how I handled the situation, was it because of Zeke? These questions were popping in and out of my head, and thoughts were flowing ever more. Once again, "Why are you angry?" he asked me, and I replied "I don't know...". For the first time in months, I did not know anything. I did not know why I was angry, and I could not give voice to why I was. Dave said to me, "God gives us three answers: Yes, No, Wait. Ask yourself does God want you to be angry?" "No." That was my first answer, and my first true understanding of the power one can put in faith. For the first time since Dad had passed, I had begun to see faith not as a hinderance, but as a tool to improve my life. No longer was it "Lord why did you do this?", it now was "Lord, how can I serve to better improve myself, How can I listen?" And so every weekend we meet (even now and hopefully continuing on in the future), he sends me words of praise and wisdom to reflect on during the week but always asks, "What would you like me to pray for for you this week?" at the end of our conversations. Dave has helped show me tools that I use almost everyday to help overcome what was just a sea of despair. He helped move my life from the extreme highs and lows to small hills and valleys because lets face it, life will never be easy but God does not put obstacles in our path that we cannot overcome.
In the past few months, my conversations with Dave have ever so slowly changed from being angry and dealing with my anger to now, "yes I was angry but I used the tools provided to help overcome it and move forward." He has taught me how to use the Bible as a tool to enhance my life and not just another book. That scripture is power, strength, and praise put into words for us to use as a foundation which to build our lives upon. Having anger and holding malice in one's heart accomplishes nothing but further despair but it also makes us deaf and blind to what is really going on. That and don't sweat the small stuff.
Right now, things are better than what they were a year ago. Physically I am in the best shape of my life, mentally I still have my wits about me, spiritually I am growing everyday, and emotionally is getting there. Things are still rough, it still hurts that I can only see Zeke on the weekends, and saving money right now is not really feasible considering the bills involving the house, doctors, gas, the dog, and food. Compared to my mind set before however, I will gladly give support knowing it means Zeke is provided for than use that money to pay a bill. I would rather go into debt than not provide for my son. I will go with out before Zeke ever will, plain and simple. So if that means not being able to afford groceries for myself but have food for Zeke then I do not eat but I make sure he does. I am not the perfect dad, nor do I claim to be but I do my damnedest to ensure the fact that Zeke never goes with out the three basic needs of life: Food, Clothing, Shelter.
Outside of that, I did try dating again and I did meet two wonderful women but in the end it did not work out with them. "Zeke having a step-mom is not necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the right thing either," is what my mom said to me in regards to my wanting to start dating again. She is right, but when it came down to it, I gave it deep thought about both women and I had to ask myself "Do I want this person in my sons life?", and the answer was "No." When the time is right, God will put the woman that I need in my life, but until then I follow what I believe to be his plan for myself and Zeke.
"I just want things to be cool between us.." - Emily
She said this to me over a month ago when we had a sit down. I was taken aback that this could actually come out of her mouth. The first thought to come to mind, "are you serious? in what bizarro world do you live in?". I did not know what to say, at all. "Things don't have to be cool between you, but you can be respectful towards her," is what my mentor had said to me. He is right, things will never "be cool" between her and I, but I will be respectful. I will also act on my word that I want to be a positive influence on Caleb's life, I want to be a mentor to him as Dave is to me. I made a decision to not go to war with Emily over Zeke because if I had, I would not be able to be that influence, that mentor in Calebs life. When I actually prayed about getting a lawyer to end this charade, I was told to wait and now I know why and I'm glad I did. Come what may of the future, I just know now the role I want to play in it and not be cast in the die I once was.
So that is a year in a nutshell. I'm still working at AT&T and hoping for a direct hire position within the next year. Physically, I can't complain. I have a goal set for myself to hit the 1300 club by August (500lb Squat, 500lb Dead-lift, 300lb Bench) and continuing to hit the gym 6 nights a week will help this. Being able to run a mile and a half and not feel winded is a great feeling as well. I lost almost 100lbs last year (went from ~300 to 203.4 at my lightest). I do weigh more now since I power lift when I'm at the gym as well as light cardio as to not burn the muscle I've put on. I completely eliminated alcohol from my life and stay out of bars entirely. And as always I look forward to my Friday nights being able to get a concrete mixer from Culver's with Zeke, then waking up Saturday morning to make him breakfast. Hands down friday nights and saturday mornings are the best thing one could ever ask for.
Last but not least, Ephesians 6:10 - 24, these words are empowering and I hold them dear to my heart. I've used them time and time again to help get through the darkness that I was in. My armor is damaged, but wearing it I can still stand firm.
"God has finally answered my prayers..." - Mom
These were the words that came from my Mom when I finally reached out for help. For the longest of times, my friends, and my family had been waiting. Secretly yearning for me to ask for help, but I could not do it until I was ready, until I realized that I no longer could control the chaos that was my life. When things are in a spiral like they were for me, you do everything within your own power to control the chaos, but no matter what move you make or decision you make things still are in a swirling tempest of uncertainty. I was calling lawyers and getting consultations, I was listening to the thoughts of others before listening to my own, and I was making ridiculous statements only to have them amount to nothing. All this was creating a tempest of uncertainty and chaos and despair in my life until that moment when I stopped to call out for aid. For me to reach out, instantly stopped this tempest. Looking back on it now, it was a sigh of relief for a lot of people, even though it hurt them as much as it hurt me, they saw me break but they also got to see the first step forward. The hardest step anyone can take in their lives.
The second words out of my mom were this, "You WILL call the church, and you WILL leave a message. Do not dolly on this, you do it and you do it now." After she and I spoke for a little longer, mostly her being liberated by the fact I finally reached out, we hung up and I made the call to the church. That Saturday, I met with the man who I now call my mentor and my friend. He is my Stephen's Minister, and he helped ignite a fire in me that laid dormant for so many years. His name is Dave Spitler. Dave, in all ways has helped me turn my life around. Since the first weekend of November, Dave and I have been meeting every Saturday morning to talk. At first our discussions were how angry I was at "her", how furious "she" made me, and how these thoughts were destroying who I was because of my anger. How because of everything I had not had a full nights sleep in months (to put the sleep thing in perspective, and some of you know this, I would lay down at around 10 at night but my brain would be firing constantly, so in actuality I was not passing out until 2 or 3 in the morning only to wake up at 4:30 to get ready for work. This schedule happened for the better part of the summer and fall), how my health was deteriorating, and I was just a shade of who I once was. He listened to everything that I had to say, and simply asked "Why are you angry?" I stopped dead in my tracks. Why had I been angry all this time, was it because of "her", was it because of how I handled the situation, was it because of Zeke? These questions were popping in and out of my head, and thoughts were flowing ever more. Once again, "Why are you angry?" he asked me, and I replied "I don't know...". For the first time in months, I did not know anything. I did not know why I was angry, and I could not give voice to why I was. Dave said to me, "God gives us three answers: Yes, No, Wait. Ask yourself does God want you to be angry?" "No." That was my first answer, and my first true understanding of the power one can put in faith. For the first time since Dad had passed, I had begun to see faith not as a hinderance, but as a tool to improve my life. No longer was it "Lord why did you do this?", it now was "Lord, how can I serve to better improve myself, How can I listen?" And so every weekend we meet (even now and hopefully continuing on in the future), he sends me words of praise and wisdom to reflect on during the week but always asks, "What would you like me to pray for for you this week?" at the end of our conversations. Dave has helped show me tools that I use almost everyday to help overcome what was just a sea of despair. He helped move my life from the extreme highs and lows to small hills and valleys because lets face it, life will never be easy but God does not put obstacles in our path that we cannot overcome.
In the past few months, my conversations with Dave have ever so slowly changed from being angry and dealing with my anger to now, "yes I was angry but I used the tools provided to help overcome it and move forward." He has taught me how to use the Bible as a tool to enhance my life and not just another book. That scripture is power, strength, and praise put into words for us to use as a foundation which to build our lives upon. Having anger and holding malice in one's heart accomplishes nothing but further despair but it also makes us deaf and blind to what is really going on. That and don't sweat the small stuff.
Right now, things are better than what they were a year ago. Physically I am in the best shape of my life, mentally I still have my wits about me, spiritually I am growing everyday, and emotionally is getting there. Things are still rough, it still hurts that I can only see Zeke on the weekends, and saving money right now is not really feasible considering the bills involving the house, doctors, gas, the dog, and food. Compared to my mind set before however, I will gladly give support knowing it means Zeke is provided for than use that money to pay a bill. I would rather go into debt than not provide for my son. I will go with out before Zeke ever will, plain and simple. So if that means not being able to afford groceries for myself but have food for Zeke then I do not eat but I make sure he does. I am not the perfect dad, nor do I claim to be but I do my damnedest to ensure the fact that Zeke never goes with out the three basic needs of life: Food, Clothing, Shelter.
Outside of that, I did try dating again and I did meet two wonderful women but in the end it did not work out with them. "Zeke having a step-mom is not necessarily a bad thing, but it may not be the right thing either," is what my mom said to me in regards to my wanting to start dating again. She is right, but when it came down to it, I gave it deep thought about both women and I had to ask myself "Do I want this person in my sons life?", and the answer was "No." When the time is right, God will put the woman that I need in my life, but until then I follow what I believe to be his plan for myself and Zeke.
"I just want things to be cool between us.." - Emily
She said this to me over a month ago when we had a sit down. I was taken aback that this could actually come out of her mouth. The first thought to come to mind, "are you serious? in what bizarro world do you live in?". I did not know what to say, at all. "Things don't have to be cool between you, but you can be respectful towards her," is what my mentor had said to me. He is right, things will never "be cool" between her and I, but I will be respectful. I will also act on my word that I want to be a positive influence on Caleb's life, I want to be a mentor to him as Dave is to me. I made a decision to not go to war with Emily over Zeke because if I had, I would not be able to be that influence, that mentor in Calebs life. When I actually prayed about getting a lawyer to end this charade, I was told to wait and now I know why and I'm glad I did. Come what may of the future, I just know now the role I want to play in it and not be cast in the die I once was.
So that is a year in a nutshell. I'm still working at AT&T and hoping for a direct hire position within the next year. Physically, I can't complain. I have a goal set for myself to hit the 1300 club by August (500lb Squat, 500lb Dead-lift, 300lb Bench) and continuing to hit the gym 6 nights a week will help this. Being able to run a mile and a half and not feel winded is a great feeling as well. I lost almost 100lbs last year (went from ~300 to 203.4 at my lightest). I do weigh more now since I power lift when I'm at the gym as well as light cardio as to not burn the muscle I've put on. I completely eliminated alcohol from my life and stay out of bars entirely. And as always I look forward to my Friday nights being able to get a concrete mixer from Culver's with Zeke, then waking up Saturday morning to make him breakfast. Hands down friday nights and saturday mornings are the best thing one could ever ask for.
Last but not least, Ephesians 6:10 - 24, these words are empowering and I hold them dear to my heart. I've used them time and time again to help get through the darkness that I was in. My armor is damaged, but wearing it I can still stand firm.
Absence, Part 1 of 2
First off, what I write in this are my own personal feelings, reflections, lessons, mistakes, etc. and are from my viewpoint as I interpret them. Putting these out into an open forum means that they are subject to argument, agreement, as well as opinions of others. That is not what this is about, I am writing this because I want to. I am writing this that maybe there is someone out there who is going through the exact same thing I am and can relate to my story, but does not know how to do the hardest thing in life: taking that first step forward. I am writing this in hopes that someone will stumble across my thoughts and use the lessons I have learned to become something greater than what they already are. My mom, former teachers and professors, as well as friends have said that I have a way with words that they wish they had. And so here I am writing my story. With that, let us begin.
As some of you might have noticed, after almost a year of absence I decided to reactivate my social media websites. I decided a year ago that I was going to rid myself of everything that was hurting my growth as an individual. That in turn meant I needed to shut down my Facebook account, which left a lot of people in the dust. The way I handled everything was beyond immature and I see that now, as compared to when I actually did shut it down. A lesson learned, but not forgotten.
For me to be at the point I am now is nothing short of incredible. It is amazing the difference things can make within a year of life. Why do I say this, well because it is the truth. This time last year I was in a downward spiral, heading further into a depression that I honestly saw no end to. Everything I did felt right, yet I knew it was wrong and I had no self control over how I went about my actions. I was so angry, so furious that things occurring all around me were fueling my depression. Mom and Jim had even said they were fearful to leave for Alabama because of where I was going, the path that my life was headed down. I was struggling with my feelings and my emotions, I was struggling with being a father, and I was struggling how to grasp the truth of the situation as it unfolded. Being alone in my house did not help one iota, in fact if anything it compounded everything. This continued over the summer and into the fall. I was riding a serious hype train of extreme highs and extreme lows, my friends saw it, my family saw it, but I did not. Looking back at it now, and the things people were saying to me, I was listening but it was truly in one ear out the other. As time marched forward, my thoughts became increasingly dark. I was not me at all, I was a shell of my former self. There was no laughter in my life, there was no joy or happiness. I was just a husk of emptiness, partially filled with a feeling here and there when I was with Zeke. In October of last year, as with Menards, it finally happened that I reached the point where I needed help. I had gone full tilt (the truth of that known to very few and will not be written about), and had a complete breakdown of my reality. Everything came crashing in, everything that I had internalized, that I had tried to shove deep down roared out of me. It was then that I made the smartest, and best decision of my life: I called mom.
On the phone with Mom, I was at a loss for words, but I was able to say a phrase that I should have said back in March, "I need help". Those three words, (I'm tearing up as I write this so bear with me), that phrase, I could not even say it when Dad had passed. I could not say it when the relationship I had with Steph ended. During those times I succumbed to my own inner demon: drinking. I would spend countless nights in the bar, racking up tabs, buying drinks, doing shots, throwing darts, having all the fun so I could escape the abysmal reality which was around me. I drank because it numbed the pain and made life bearable. I drank because it helped me escape from reality, it was easier to drown myself in spirits than it was to face my problems. This time though, things were different. Things were different because of one simple reason, Zeke. My son needed me as much as I needed him. And so I reached out to mom, "I need help" I said to her and "God finally answered my prayers," she replied. By reaching out I did not realize the amazing and drastic change I was about to undertake in my life.
Insert awesome cliffhanger, I'll write the second half of this later. Need a breather to collect my thoughts about Part 2.
As some of you might have noticed, after almost a year of absence I decided to reactivate my social media websites. I decided a year ago that I was going to rid myself of everything that was hurting my growth as an individual. That in turn meant I needed to shut down my Facebook account, which left a lot of people in the dust. The way I handled everything was beyond immature and I see that now, as compared to when I actually did shut it down. A lesson learned, but not forgotten.
For me to be at the point I am now is nothing short of incredible. It is amazing the difference things can make within a year of life. Why do I say this, well because it is the truth. This time last year I was in a downward spiral, heading further into a depression that I honestly saw no end to. Everything I did felt right, yet I knew it was wrong and I had no self control over how I went about my actions. I was so angry, so furious that things occurring all around me were fueling my depression. Mom and Jim had even said they were fearful to leave for Alabama because of where I was going, the path that my life was headed down. I was struggling with my feelings and my emotions, I was struggling with being a father, and I was struggling how to grasp the truth of the situation as it unfolded. Being alone in my house did not help one iota, in fact if anything it compounded everything. This continued over the summer and into the fall. I was riding a serious hype train of extreme highs and extreme lows, my friends saw it, my family saw it, but I did not. Looking back at it now, and the things people were saying to me, I was listening but it was truly in one ear out the other. As time marched forward, my thoughts became increasingly dark. I was not me at all, I was a shell of my former self. There was no laughter in my life, there was no joy or happiness. I was just a husk of emptiness, partially filled with a feeling here and there when I was with Zeke. In October of last year, as with Menards, it finally happened that I reached the point where I needed help. I had gone full tilt (the truth of that known to very few and will not be written about), and had a complete breakdown of my reality. Everything came crashing in, everything that I had internalized, that I had tried to shove deep down roared out of me. It was then that I made the smartest, and best decision of my life: I called mom.
On the phone with Mom, I was at a loss for words, but I was able to say a phrase that I should have said back in March, "I need help". Those three words, (I'm tearing up as I write this so bear with me), that phrase, I could not even say it when Dad had passed. I could not say it when the relationship I had with Steph ended. During those times I succumbed to my own inner demon: drinking. I would spend countless nights in the bar, racking up tabs, buying drinks, doing shots, throwing darts, having all the fun so I could escape the abysmal reality which was around me. I drank because it numbed the pain and made life bearable. I drank because it helped me escape from reality, it was easier to drown myself in spirits than it was to face my problems. This time though, things were different. Things were different because of one simple reason, Zeke. My son needed me as much as I needed him. And so I reached out to mom, "I need help" I said to her and "God finally answered my prayers," she replied. By reaching out I did not realize the amazing and drastic change I was about to undertake in my life.
Insert awesome cliffhanger, I'll write the second half of this later. Need a breather to collect my thoughts about Part 2.
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