Tectonic Shifts...

     This weekend was probably one of the roughest weekends that I have had to go into.  This weekend was Banquet.  I was a table leader for an amazing group of men who I could see a fire lit in them that was not there before.  I hope that this fire continues to burn ever so bright within them, and that they continue to pursue their new found passion in Christ.

     Leading up to the Banquet I had events happen in my life that I can only explain as the Holy Spirit moving within me and the world around me.  Last Sunday I was dead asleep, when I was woken up by a voice that just said "Yes." I tried to describe as best as I could what this voice sounded like.  The best description I came up with was something similar to a distant thunder.  A low rumble that just resonated within my chest.  The next words out of my mouth as I was sitting in my bed were, "What would you have me do?"  I was responded once again within my chest, "Wait...."  God answered, but I did not know what that answer meant.  Later that afternoon, I would feel something shift in my heart.  This time, it didn't feel like connections were being cut.  I had had this feeling back in Janurary I believe, it felt like I was having a serious heart attack because I could just feel the ties to her being hacked away.  Unlike that time however, this time was different.  My heart shifted entirely, but it felt as if something that wasn't there before is now there.  Monday I met with my counsleor, and in my hand during the meeting was the letter she wrote me when we had gone through Banquet together.  As I read the letter out loud, this time I could feel chills going up my spine reading the words and scripture she had accompanied with it.  I knew God was listening in.  This work week was pretty intense, almost to the point I thought i was going to have to miss Banquet.  I knew deep down however God was going to get me there, because I still had the question inside my heart, "What would you have me do?".  That question was answered this weekend.  It was answered with 3 answers.

      The first answer came after a ceremony during Saturday services.  Dying moments.  As we lined up to take communion we are told to give away my dying moment.  The last time I had been through this it was letting go of the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I had endured while watching Dad get taken from me because of cancer.  This time around, my dying moment was forgiving myself for failing in my relationship with her, for failing in the relationship with the boys.  I took the bread, placed it in the basket, and then went and returned to my seat.  Once again the question popped in my chest, "What would you have me do?" Once again it was just responded with, "Wait..."  This is where I would learn my prayer from Pastor Bob Jennings.  Prayer number one: for patience, and that Christ equip me to experience his glory during this time of patience.

     The second answer came to me as I was driving home from Banquet.  In the Banquet community we believe that there are no such things as coincidences, only small miracles.  In Bible Study the last few months we have been studying the book of James.  That we are to follow through with our actions (Say/Do) and to not live a double minded life, but a life dedicated to Christ.  For this Banquet, I was the table leader for the table of James.  Prayer number two: Christ give me the ability to follow through with my actions.

      The third answer, and the most important one I learned came during one of the talks.  One of the men was giving his talk, and something he said resonated within me, just stirred me.  The line that I heard was this, "Love is the driving force behind all things."  After hearing this, I also would understand the true meaning behind 1 Corinthians 13.  There it was, my third answer.  This was later confirmed when one of the members from my table took me aside, and said to me "Mitch, I can see the sadness behind your eyes.  What's up?"  I ended up pouring my heart out to this man.  My failures of the relationship with her and the boys.  My isolation.  My anger towards God.  All of it.  As he listened and I listened to his story as well, he would say something that once again would resonate deep with in my chest.  "Pray for her.  Discern your prayer though.  God knows the desires of your heart already.  Pray for her soul though, because that will show compassion to Christ and it will speak volumes and change everything."  I love her, with every fiber that is my being I do.  I will always love her.  As a disciple, I am also called to love her even if it will cause me great suffering.  I know that she loves another man.  Even though it hurts writing that statement, I have accepted it.  It took a while, but I accept it.  I see her, I see her better than she would like to admit to me, but I do see her.  I see a woman who is angry at God, who has questions about her purpose, and about herself.  I see a flame that was so brightly lit, now just a dwindling ember waiting to be reignited.  After talking to Gary Germann this evening I asked how I should pray for her.  He said this, "Sozo is the Greek word for save.  In the bible, sozo means to be healed.  This is the prayer I said for my son Matt, 'Lord, please save my son Matt.'  Mitchell, I was in continuous prayer with Christ saying those words.  Miracles happen, look at Matt."  Prayer Number Three:  Lord, please save Emily.

     As the weekend has ended I am reminded of the conversation I had Saturday night with a member from my table.  "Christ has all the answers.  You can choose to try and fix things yourself, and we both know that will implode or you can take the door with the question mark.  The impossible door."  That was kind of a little hint from Christ because in my letters I would receive two note cards for my Mom.  The first card I read said this, "For nothing is impossible with God.  Luke 1:37" and the second card read this, "For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'  Jeremiah 29:11".

     I have been called by God to be a disciple.  I have been called to pray for patience, and to be equipped with the power of Christ in everything that I do.  I have been called to follow through on my actions, and to live a life fully committed to Christ.  Lastly, I have been called to love her and to pray for her.  God has told me to love this woman and so I shall.  There will be suffering, but Christ will take care of me.  I still believe something good and positive is still yet to come between her and I, So I wait for the day our paths cross again or until God provides me with someone else.  And I will not cease in prayer, for her and the boys.   I do not know when I will write again, but this weekend planted a seed that I am going to nurture for the rest of my life.   Good night, God bless.


DeColores.

Wars We Wage..

     I'll admit that I haven't been to church in the last two weeks. The motivation was not there. I wanted to go, but instead I found myself catching up on sleep instead. I am disappointed in myself for choosing sleep over hearing the word. His word is all I really have right now, and I failed to live up to my part of seeking him out. Today however I did go, brought the boys with me as well, and I'm glad I did. The sermon series for the next few weeks is titled “Relationship Restart.” I had to chuckle a little bit, seems God wants me to learn more when it comes to entering my next relationship.

     Listening to pastor speak this morning, and the music to go with the sermon just brought warmth to my heart. I have felt lost, almost distant from everything going on in my life for quite some time now. This morning I felt like I was becoming grounded again, grounded in his word. I look at the sermon notes, and I just see guidelines for how to establish and be part of an incredible relationship. Not only with God, but with my future spouse. Things that I know of, but rarely knew how to do. Some would think they would be the fundamentals of any relationship we are in, however sometimes we forget the fundamentals or just ignore them. I thought I knew how to have an adult relationship, a relationship founded first in Christ. Clearly, that isn't the case because if it was well I wouldn't be single. One phrase that stood out from the sermon notes is this, “You will drift away from each other if you are not pursuing one another.” How true does this statement ring. When you stop pursuing your partner, things become stagnant. An almost atrophy state starts to ensue, and those things that originally brought you and your loved one together no longer hold that same appeal. I see now from my past where things would go stale, I would be content but I wouldn't pursue. A lesson learned for the future. “If our relationships are going to be different than that of the rest of the world we have to do something different.” Another note that stands out in my mind. On the sermon notes, 1 Corinthians 13 is the bible verse that accompanies this note. This is chapter is the definition of love. Plain and simple. This chapter just resonates in my heart, because I understand it but I do not know how to follow through with it. Realizing this, is why I understand I am in currently being reforged. Once I understand this, once I am able and ready to follow through with this, then I will be out of the fire.

     I know that I am not even close to coming out of the fire because of something that happened tonight. Tonight I went to the gas station to fill up the Explorer. I saw her. I saw her with him. There are things in this world you think you are prepared for, that you can tell yourself over and over that everything will be alright no matter what happens. I was not prepared for this, not even remotely. I faltered in my trust of God, and my anger came roaring back. The sad thing is I didn't even stop myself from lashing out, I just let it happen. Everything that I have been trying to fight against, trying to change about myself, it all completely evaporated in the matter of 10 seconds. I would say it was my anxiety, but it wasn't. This was my anger. As I looked at my phone I could feel the anger seething from me. Two steps forward one step back. Here I am spouting my trust in God, talking about reading his word and trying to follow through on it, and the minute I see her with someone else it just disappears. Where I thought I was in his plan in relation to where I actually am are two different places. This also teaches me something else, if I'm still getting angry, I still have feelings. If I still have feelings, then there is no way I can possibly start dating yet. Until I can overcome these feelings, these emotions, I am of no benefit to any one and to say that I am would be a blatant lie. As my counselor said on Thursday, “You are in a transition. If you were to be with someone right now they would only know you as you are. That person may or may not accept who you are when you emerge from this period in your life.”

     The harsh reality of all this, is that I let something like this affect me in a way that I should not have. I should have just armored up. That is something that is easier said than done. The wound is still raw, but it is not festering inside me as it once was. What was torn from me is healing, but this was just another example of having the scab ripped off. More healing is needed to truly overcome the wound I have sustained. I am going to have a scar, a deep scar at that. However, it will be a lesson learned, that I need to learn to take things in his time and not mine else that wound will continuously be reopened again and again. I still have questions that I ask God, “what is it that I am fighting for?”, “who is it that I am fighting for?”, “when will I be ready?”, “how do I turn my sorrow into something great?”, “does this change?” and the big question, “what would you have me do?” I still have a lot of growth and healing that I need to experience. I still have a lot of lessons that I need to learn before God will put the woman who is going to be my spouse in my life. It's as my counselor says, “God will keep placing objects in your path. Think of it as refining your search. You can take what is shown to you right now and walk away with it. Or you can wait and trust in him to keep reforging you and then at the right time, he will give you the woman that will be your counterpart in life. The woman that will have an even yoke on you, as well as in Christ. That choice will have to be yours to make, but the Lord already knows your answer. He will do what is needed to make it happen, you just need to believe and trust in that.” I'll trust in him on this one, I've already seen what I am able to do and that outcome isn't good at all. I'll let God steer for a while and I'll ride shotgun.

More Sermon Notes:

Having a great relationship is not about what I say, but rather what I sow. (Galatians 6 as reference).

The best things take time.

Be as patient with your spouse as God is with you.

Anything worth having is worth working for.

The wicked flee though no one pursues,

     but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Proverbs 28:1

Learning to Surrender...

     This post comes in lieu of what I tried to do Sunday. It is also something my counselor (as well as my Mom) have been trying to get me to do over the last several months in regards to my thoughts. There are times through out the day that randomly, things just pop into my head. Memories, joyful thoughts, angry thoughts, sad thoughts, all revolving around her. It is like my brain is going, “Hey remember this, well ya do now. Think over it the next few minutes...” As much as I would like it to not happen, it does. It also happens at night, generally right as I am laying down to get what little sleep I am able to. I don't like thinking about things, because when I do my ADD goes ham and sends my brain on a wild roller coaster ride that I have been trying to get off of since December. The brain fires up, and the heart soon follows, once again letting emotions get the best of me. Letting them run rampant, fueling my anxiety and depression which keeps me up late at night because I become extremely restless. I like sleep, and right now sleep is the only time where I am not in pain. The thing my counselor has been trying to get me to do is compartmentalize my thoughts. To give them to God, store them away, and move on with my daily business (or fall asleep if I am in bed).

     “You need to learn what I did with your father. Take your thoughts and build a beautiful box in you mind for them. When you have them, open that box and store them away. Then give that box up to God, give her up to God and ask him to take this away for the time being.” This is what my Mom has said in regards to my thoughts. My counselor has said the same thing, just different wording. My counselor has also suggested that when this happens, to go search his word. Just lay the bible out and see where it takes you, because one way or another something is going to hit home at the right time. This leads me to what I said on Sunday. Sunday was rough, my anxiety was in full swing. I just wanted to find a way to get rid of my thoughts, to get rid of my feelings. I thought of the letters, the words she had written on those pages. I was so filled with emotions, that I let them control me. I was being attacked by the enemy and it had won this battle. Sunday night as I was outside holding the letters in one hand and a lighter in the other, something within me just said “Don't.” I couldn't do it, I couldn't burn the letters for whatever reason. I did not read them, but I just stared at them and put them in the back of the basement again. Today I asked my Mom about it, “Why couldn't I do it? I wanted to, but I couldn't.” Her response, “Of course you couldn't. Those letters are not meant to be thrown away. They are to be cherished, regardless of the situation. Like I have said before, put those letters in a beautiful box, and just give the box up to God. He will take care of you, he will take care of Emily. I am praying constantly for the both of you, but for now you must hand the box over to the Almighty and let him do his work in both your lives.” She understands more from the source than I do.

     Today, like I had stated earlier my thoughts and emotions ran wild again during work. After what I went through on Sunday, I decided to listen to my counselor's advice. I do not have a bible at work, but I do have the bible app on my phone. So as if I was reading the pages in hand, I picked a random book and started reading. I first landed in Malachi. I was reading and just nothing was hitting home, nothing was sinking in like I thought it would. I told myself, one more time then back to work. Once again, picked a random book, random chapter, random verse. Hosea Chapter 3 verse 3, Hosea's Reconciliation With His Wife. I sat just there and looked at my phone. Really?! REALLY?! God has a weird sense of humor. Once again back on the emotional roller coaster. “You need to learn to surrender. Give it all to God. Right now the enemy is attacking where you have the most sorrow, and that is the boys and that is Emily. Pray for discernment, ask God to lift the veil from your eyes so you can be shown the way.” This is what my Mom said to me in regards to these last couple days. Learning to surrender it all has proven to be extremely difficult. There have been many of night spent in my War Room giving her and the boys over to God, asking for his wisdom in all this. Still, I am finding myself being thrown into a loop. The emotional roller coaster I am trying to get off of, apparently needs to go around a couple more times. “Ask God to weave your sorrow into something great in your life,” is part of a prayer my Mom is sending me. She read me the whole thing earlier, and it is going to become part of my daily prayer routine. Right now, I need some serious discernment in my life. I need to ask for his guidance in all this because for the first time in a long time, I am having trouble finding a direction forward. What I thought where just hills and valleys have suddenly become mountains and canyons again. I need to shield myself, and ask for direction. What is it am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to follow through? Am I to wait, or start searching? How do I weave my sorrow into something great? These questions plus more are all floating through my head. “God will find a way to open the door. Just don't put your hopes up for it. If it does happen it will be in his time.” once again words from my Mom. Praying for patience, and that the veil be lifted from my eyes to discern his plan for me. And to trust that his plan for my life is all unfolding in his time, not mine.

     Lastly, today I was shown grace. I went to the hospital today to try and get my bills from all the testing I have had done consolidated so that I would only be making one payment. As I was talking to the woman, she was reviewing my accounts. Thousands of dollars in medical bills I thought I needed to pay, were dwindled down to just under 300 dollars. Yeah, you read that right. I about fell out of my chair when she told me this. As my counselor has said, “You are seated right in front of the throne and God is listening to you. Keep praying, keep lifting Emily up, keep lifting the boys up, lift all those around you up and God will show you the way.” God showed me grace today. I need to reflect that on those around me.

     So here I am, on a roller coaster. Here I am asking for discernment of thoughts and feelings. Here I am reflecting on his word, and how things can change with in a very short time. Here I am experiencing his amazing grace. Here I am, wondering what is it that I am to do next? Here I am asking the creator of the universe, “What would you have me do?”

“I will restore to you the years

     that the swarming locust has eaten,”

Joel 2:25

Erasing Memories..

      Over the last several months, I have been saying that I am in the fire to be reforged, to become the man God has intended me to become. Last night, I had a thought in regards to this. What being reforged really means to me. I feel now I have an understanding to this. There is a part of me that hasn't truly been able to adjust, a part of me that has been afraid of what lies ahead. So easily it has looked ahead and then immediately grasped on to the chain of the past. I realize now what it is that binds me. I understand now that in order to see the future, the past must be purged. This is what is going on in my life right now. The fire that I am in is purging me, stripping away the layers of anger, hate, jealousy, and envy. It is taking away all of those feelings, and creating a new ground in which to sow a better seed. There has been in void in my life for what seems like ages. That void is where my sadness comes from, the anger, and the fear. I have had this void before, but in the past I have tried filling it with drink, women, or games. This fire is preventing that, for the first time in my life instead of escaping my feelings, escaping the void, I am learning to face them. “When you have these feelings of sadness and fear, I want you to find what triggered it. Then I want you to go into the word, just start reading. I guarantee you, his word will become vibrant and fill you in ways that you won't believe,” was something my counselor said in regards to this. To look directly into the void, and fill it with Him.

      “You must face your sadness and your fear, only then will you be able to heal from this. Filling the void with people or things is only going to be temporary. Those feelings will come back. Learn to trust in Him, learn to let his word guide you. You can overcome this. Trust in God's timing not our own, his plan for all of us is on a grander scale.” One of the things my counselor has wanting me to practice is facing these feelings. That when I do get overwhelmed to rush to his word. There are times when it is easy to do. Other times, I do find myself seeking a distraction from the feelings. A way to escape what it is that I am feeling at that moment in time. She is having me fill myself with the word, to have these feelings taken away by the Lord Almighty. I am told this is to strengthen who it is that I am. By doing this, I am learning how to overcome my fears. Something that I have never really been able to do. There are times when I do feel like I am still picking up the pieces to a shattered life, but I know the more I seek his word, the easier it becomes to pick up the pieces. To fill myself with Him will be the only way I will come out of the fire.

      “You are looking back, don't look back. That part of you is dead. That relationship is dead. Everything that was you has died and was taken away when Christ died on the cross. The old man is dead, the new man lives.” Once again more words that have stuck out from my sessions with my counselor. Here I sit in the fire, watching the things I once held dear get purged from my being. The feelings that I once had are being erased. The memories that were once vibrant and joyful remain, but have become faded with time. The man that loved her is gone. The woman that loved me is gone. This is where accepting, and adapting has been the hardest part. For so long I did not want to accept it, I did not want to believe it but as time marches forward the more I realize it. There are two things that I kept hidden away after everything happened. I realize now I should not have kept them at all. Simple things really but meant the world to me at the time. Two letters reside in my basement, one which she gave to me on Valentine's Day and her letter to me when I first attended Banquet. I kept them because they were hand written, and very personal. The problem was that they were written to the “old man”, the man that no longer exists. The words are forever written on my mind, but I know they no longer hold any merit. That relationship is dead. And like the fire that surrounds me, by fire these letters will be burned. Maybe this will finally bring closure for myself, and allow my heart to move forward.

     Even though the struggle bus is real, it does get easier. Time is no longer at a stand still, it has been slowly moving forward. Each day that passes I learn something from his word to apply to my life. A life of Christian Action is what I want to live. I have no need for booze or for the games, my time is better spent serving others or in his word. I know one day I will be rewarded for the sacrifices I have and continue to make, but I don't make them for my glory. Everything I do is for his glory alone. God will guide me and I will be given understanding of his will in my life. People always say, “God doesn't given us what we can't handle..” or “Everything is in preparation for something he has already planned for you..” Well, he must think I can handle a whole lot, and is preparing me for something incredible to happen. The best thing I can do, is pray and give thanks for all that God does in my life.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” Galatians 5:13