Wars We Wage..

     I'll admit that I haven't been to church in the last two weeks. The motivation was not there. I wanted to go, but instead I found myself catching up on sleep instead. I am disappointed in myself for choosing sleep over hearing the word. His word is all I really have right now, and I failed to live up to my part of seeking him out. Today however I did go, brought the boys with me as well, and I'm glad I did. The sermon series for the next few weeks is titled “Relationship Restart.” I had to chuckle a little bit, seems God wants me to learn more when it comes to entering my next relationship.

     Listening to pastor speak this morning, and the music to go with the sermon just brought warmth to my heart. I have felt lost, almost distant from everything going on in my life for quite some time now. This morning I felt like I was becoming grounded again, grounded in his word. I look at the sermon notes, and I just see guidelines for how to establish and be part of an incredible relationship. Not only with God, but with my future spouse. Things that I know of, but rarely knew how to do. Some would think they would be the fundamentals of any relationship we are in, however sometimes we forget the fundamentals or just ignore them. I thought I knew how to have an adult relationship, a relationship founded first in Christ. Clearly, that isn't the case because if it was well I wouldn't be single. One phrase that stood out from the sermon notes is this, “You will drift away from each other if you are not pursuing one another.” How true does this statement ring. When you stop pursuing your partner, things become stagnant. An almost atrophy state starts to ensue, and those things that originally brought you and your loved one together no longer hold that same appeal. I see now from my past where things would go stale, I would be content but I wouldn't pursue. A lesson learned for the future. “If our relationships are going to be different than that of the rest of the world we have to do something different.” Another note that stands out in my mind. On the sermon notes, 1 Corinthians 13 is the bible verse that accompanies this note. This is chapter is the definition of love. Plain and simple. This chapter just resonates in my heart, because I understand it but I do not know how to follow through with it. Realizing this, is why I understand I am in currently being reforged. Once I understand this, once I am able and ready to follow through with this, then I will be out of the fire.

     I know that I am not even close to coming out of the fire because of something that happened tonight. Tonight I went to the gas station to fill up the Explorer. I saw her. I saw her with him. There are things in this world you think you are prepared for, that you can tell yourself over and over that everything will be alright no matter what happens. I was not prepared for this, not even remotely. I faltered in my trust of God, and my anger came roaring back. The sad thing is I didn't even stop myself from lashing out, I just let it happen. Everything that I have been trying to fight against, trying to change about myself, it all completely evaporated in the matter of 10 seconds. I would say it was my anxiety, but it wasn't. This was my anger. As I looked at my phone I could feel the anger seething from me. Two steps forward one step back. Here I am spouting my trust in God, talking about reading his word and trying to follow through on it, and the minute I see her with someone else it just disappears. Where I thought I was in his plan in relation to where I actually am are two different places. This also teaches me something else, if I'm still getting angry, I still have feelings. If I still have feelings, then there is no way I can possibly start dating yet. Until I can overcome these feelings, these emotions, I am of no benefit to any one and to say that I am would be a blatant lie. As my counselor said on Thursday, “You are in a transition. If you were to be with someone right now they would only know you as you are. That person may or may not accept who you are when you emerge from this period in your life.”

     The harsh reality of all this, is that I let something like this affect me in a way that I should not have. I should have just armored up. That is something that is easier said than done. The wound is still raw, but it is not festering inside me as it once was. What was torn from me is healing, but this was just another example of having the scab ripped off. More healing is needed to truly overcome the wound I have sustained. I am going to have a scar, a deep scar at that. However, it will be a lesson learned, that I need to learn to take things in his time and not mine else that wound will continuously be reopened again and again. I still have questions that I ask God, “what is it that I am fighting for?”, “who is it that I am fighting for?”, “when will I be ready?”, “how do I turn my sorrow into something great?”, “does this change?” and the big question, “what would you have me do?” I still have a lot of growth and healing that I need to experience. I still have a lot of lessons that I need to learn before God will put the woman who is going to be my spouse in my life. It's as my counselor says, “God will keep placing objects in your path. Think of it as refining your search. You can take what is shown to you right now and walk away with it. Or you can wait and trust in him to keep reforging you and then at the right time, he will give you the woman that will be your counterpart in life. The woman that will have an even yoke on you, as well as in Christ. That choice will have to be yours to make, but the Lord already knows your answer. He will do what is needed to make it happen, you just need to believe and trust in that.” I'll trust in him on this one, I've already seen what I am able to do and that outcome isn't good at all. I'll let God steer for a while and I'll ride shotgun.

More Sermon Notes:

Having a great relationship is not about what I say, but rather what I sow. (Galatians 6 as reference).

The best things take time.

Be as patient with your spouse as God is with you.

Anything worth having is worth working for.

The wicked flee though no one pursues,

     but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Proverbs 28:1