This weekend was probably one of the roughest weekends that I have had to go into. This weekend was Banquet. I was a table leader for an amazing group of men who I could see a fire lit in them that was not there before. I hope that this fire continues to burn ever so bright within them, and that they continue to pursue their new found passion in Christ.
Leading up to the Banquet I had events happen in my life that I can only explain as the Holy Spirit moving within me and the world around me. Last Sunday I was dead asleep, when I was woken up by a voice that just said "Yes." I tried to describe as best as I could what this voice sounded like. The best description I came up with was something similar to a distant thunder. A low rumble that just resonated within my chest. The next words out of my mouth as I was sitting in my bed were, "What would you have me do?" I was responded once again within my chest, "Wait...." God answered, but I did not know what that answer meant. Later that afternoon, I would feel something shift in my heart. This time, it didn't feel like connections were being cut. I had had this feeling back in Janurary I believe, it felt like I was having a serious heart attack because I could just feel the ties to her being hacked away. Unlike that time however, this time was different. My heart shifted entirely, but it felt as if something that wasn't there before is now there. Monday I met with my counsleor, and in my hand during the meeting was the letter she wrote me when we had gone through Banquet together. As I read the letter out loud, this time I could feel chills going up my spine reading the words and scripture she had accompanied with it. I knew God was listening in. This work week was pretty intense, almost to the point I thought i was going to have to miss Banquet. I knew deep down however God was going to get me there, because I still had the question inside my heart, "What would you have me do?". That question was answered this weekend. It was answered with 3 answers.
The first answer came after a ceremony during Saturday services. Dying moments. As we lined up to take communion we are told to give away my dying moment. The last time I had been through this it was letting go of the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I had endured while watching Dad get taken from me because of cancer. This time around, my dying moment was forgiving myself for failing in my relationship with her, for failing in the relationship with the boys. I took the bread, placed it in the basket, and then went and returned to my seat. Once again the question popped in my chest, "What would you have me do?" Once again it was just responded with, "Wait..." This is where I would learn my prayer from Pastor Bob Jennings. Prayer number one: for patience, and that Christ equip me to experience his glory during this time of patience.
The second answer came to me as I was driving home from Banquet. In the Banquet community we believe that there are no such things as coincidences, only small miracles. In Bible Study the last few months we have been studying the book of James. That we are to follow through with our actions (Say/Do) and to not live a double minded life, but a life dedicated to Christ. For this Banquet, I was the table leader for the table of James. Prayer number two: Christ give me the ability to follow through with my actions.
The third answer, and the most important one I learned came during one of the talks. One of the men was giving his talk, and something he said resonated within me, just stirred me. The line that I heard was this, "Love is the driving force behind all things." After hearing this, I also would understand the true meaning behind 1 Corinthians 13. There it was, my third answer. This was later confirmed when one of the members from my table took me aside, and said to me "Mitch, I can see the sadness behind your eyes. What's up?" I ended up pouring my heart out to this man. My failures of the relationship with her and the boys. My isolation. My anger towards God. All of it. As he listened and I listened to his story as well, he would say something that once again would resonate deep with in my chest. "Pray for her. Discern your prayer though. God knows the desires of your heart already. Pray for her soul though, because that will show compassion to Christ and it will speak volumes and change everything." I love her, with every fiber that is my being I do. I will always love her. As a disciple, I am also called to love her even if it will cause me great suffering. I know that she loves another man. Even though it hurts writing that statement, I have accepted it. It took a while, but I accept it. I see her, I see her better than she would like to admit to me, but I do see her. I see a woman who is angry at God, who has questions about her purpose, and about herself. I see a flame that was so brightly lit, now just a dwindling ember waiting to be reignited. After talking to Gary Germann this evening I asked how I should pray for her. He said this, "Sozo is the Greek word for save. In the bible, sozo means to be healed. This is the prayer I said for my son Matt, 'Lord, please save my son Matt.' Mitchell, I was in continuous prayer with Christ saying those words. Miracles happen, look at Matt." Prayer Number Three: Lord, please save Emily.
As the weekend has ended I am reminded of the conversation I had Saturday night with a member from my table. "Christ has all the answers. You can choose to try and fix things yourself, and we both know that will implode or you can take the door with the question mark. The impossible door." That was kind of a little hint from Christ because in my letters I would receive two note cards for my Mom. The first card I read said this, "For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37" and the second card read this, "For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11".
I have been called by God to be a disciple. I have been called to pray for patience, and to be equipped with the power of Christ in everything that I do. I have been called to follow through on my actions, and to live a life fully committed to Christ. Lastly, I have been called to love her and to pray for her. God has told me to love this woman and so I shall. There will be suffering, but Christ will take care of me. I still believe something good and positive is still yet to come between her and I, So I wait for the day our paths cross again or until God provides me with someone else. And I will not cease in prayer, for her and the boys. I do not know when I will write again, but this weekend planted a seed that I am going to nurture for the rest of my life. Good night, God bless.
DeColores.
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