So first off I would like to apologize, I know it has been several weeks since I have written on my blog. There are some things that have been building up in my life that I have not been able to actually sit down and post like I have wanted. Today however, I am making the effort to actually sit down and write. Like I have said before these are my opinions, my thoughts, they are open for interpretation as you the reader see fit.
Why I wrote the title the way I did? It is plain ans simple, because its the truth. My life has a facade on it to hide the reality of what is going on behind the scenes. This is not about self pity, looking for attention, or any of that nonsense. This is simply the truth of the matter, how things are in my life as I see them. What I am about to admit is incredibly hard, and that is I am struggling. I am struggling in all facets of my life, trying to get at least a small grip of the chaos we call reality. I have been told this numerous times and I even said it to a fraternity brother yesterday, "things do get better," is what I have been told and said to others. I have to believe this because if I do not, then I will lose hope and slide back down a hole that I am trying to emerge from. I have to believe this so I can continue making strides forward in my life, not only for myself but for Zeke as well. I have to believe because if I don't, then all is lost, and i will not go down that road again. I know where that road leads, and it is not an option. All of this stems from the events at work today, and how I had to explain to my boss and my manager what my reality is.
At about 10 o'clock this morning I was brought into my bosses office for an impromptu meeting with her as well as my manager. Normally these things happen due to the nature of the job I work, such as outages, emergency repairs, problems with database uploads/downloads, etc. This meeting was not of that kind. I was brought into the meeting because they were ready to fire me. It was a meeting that determined whether or not tomorrow I would be employed. Other minor things such as certain spreadsheets/trackers not getting the data saved propery was also brought up, but the meeting was about my current status and future with AT&T. It all started with these words "Do you even want to work here or should we just cut ties now?" being said by my boss. I replied with, "How honest do you want my answer to be?" or something similiar, not the best choice of words but they opened to door to what I am about to paraphrase/remember from that meeting.
I am writing this part as if I were talking to my boss (like I said paraphrase/remembering what I had said or something similar to it): "I work 40 hours a week. I do the job(s) of what should.could be assigned to 4 different people. I do them with out complaints on my end, or the customers. I do what is asked of me sometimes going above and beyond what the job entails. Between the work that I do, if I focus on Item A then Item B is left in the dust and falls behind extremely fast. If I focus on Item B, then Item A falls behind extremely fast. I can do one but not both, plain and simple. You ask me if I want to be an engineer here? Where is the incentive when every time I apply for a position, even when handed the job number before it is even posted, I am instantly rejected. I work my ass off and that I should apply for these positions, but I am rejected every time that I do apply. On top of that you have brought my attendance into question, saying I call off because of this and that. Here is the truth, I call off because I cannot afford to come into work, because even with 40 hours logged I still cannot make ends meet. I have to make the decision of driving to the train station, or driving to pick up my son. I have to make the decision of putting gas in my car, or putting food on my sons plate, to pay his insurance or pay the power or water bill. I have to decide on a daily basis of what I can go with out so my son does not. So if I am not at my desk, it is for a damned good reason. Yes, I want to work for AT&T, yes I want to be an engineer here, in fact I want that career path. I can do the work, you've seen it, the engineers on the floor have seen it and the quality of what I can produce for this company is beyond reproach. Yet I am rejected with every application I put in, and even with hours I work I still miss time because of the decisions I am forced to make. So tell me what it is I am supposed to do? I want the position because it will help solve a lot of issues with my life, the vast majority of which revolve around finances. You want me to have the position because you hired me believing I was a good fit for your team, you wouldn't be meeting with me like this if you still did not believe that. So I mean what is it that I am supposed to do that I'm not already doing?"
(Side Note: My boss knows the situation revolving around Zeke, so she knows that I only get him on the weekends, but the still does not detract from the truth of the matter and what i had said.)
Thinking back on it, even though it was incredibly hard for me to say what I did, the only thing I have is honesty and that's what I gave her (meaning my boss). After saying my piece, my boss and I continued to discuss my future with AT&T, except this time it was in a different context. It was not "hey, we're about to fire you. your thoughts??" This time it was, "There is an understanding of reality on both parties sides, what is the common ground we can start from and build from there." I want to work for AT&T, I want that engineering position. Do I think I've earned it? Maybe not yet, but I do know that I have to improve my performance in whatever way I can to help solidify that. I understand that calling off is not conducive to this, but when my choice is Zeke or my job, Zeke will win hands down. If in the end that means AT&T and I have to part ways, then so be it. I'm not going to leave with out exploring whatever options I have available to me, which means looking at the different offices for possible employment opportunities with AT&T be it engineer or field tech, or whatever designation they have for certain jobs. I am going to do whatever it is I have to make sure I am still working, to make sure I am still providing support for my son, but at the same time making sure I will be able to have him in my care on the weekends. He is the number one priority in my life, making sure his needs are taken care of is and always will be more important than that of my own. I will go without so he never will.
In regards to the rapid change, after all this was discussed and mulled over by both myself and my boss. I was told to hand her my resume. My resume is going to be revamped and forwarded to the correct parties (because apparently HR had other plans for my applications, AKA out the window) to hopefully have a game plan for my future within the company by Friday, if not then on Monday. I am hopeful in what she and I can come up with, and the possible alternatives to situation at hand. There is always an alternative, and seeking that option right now is the best bet. I love the city, and I love working downtown but if the opportunity means moving to a different office within AT&T, then so be it. I'll accept it and continue to learn as well as strive for my best in that position. I'm just thankful in all of this that my boss was willing to listen, and that I had the courage to tell her my reality. She had a choice to make, and I as well had a choice to make. Thankfully, the decision of both parties led to positive outcome and future, because the alternative could have been "So long, sorry bout cha!!"
Well, my pre-work out just kicked in and I feel like I just engulfed 75 Redbulls at one time so I need to go hit some heavy ass weights. Until next time folks, go in peace, serve the Lord, and thanks be to Jebus, I mean God. Haha. Night everyone!!
