Solitude...

      It is very rare that I will have a Friday night alone. Usually I have the boys here and we are doing all sorts of sheningans. Tonight, is one of those rare nights however where I am spending a Friday night alone. I am able to just reflect on the last couple of weeks, and just see how life is finally beginning to set itself right. I've been listening to some powerful music, giving thanks, and listening to the rain outside. There is something about storms that is calming to me. Maybe it is because I am currently in one that I find it so calming. You learn however that the storm was never meant to harm you. This storm of life is meant to change you, transform you even. A rain to wash away the things that torment you, a rain to cleanse your thoughts and learn to find that stable ground which to step. A rain that purifies you. You find that in solitude you do a lot of reflection and thinking. You look at the outside as well as the inside. All I can say things are changing, in one way shape or form they are changing and you just need to look up and take it all in stride, one step at a time. One of my favorite quotes on nights like tonight is, “All is quiet on the eastern front...” You know that tonight is quiet, but tomorrow brings more chaos, but you hold onto the stillness of the night if only for a little while.

     In the last couple weeks, I've been told some amazing things. Things that I never thought would be possible to hear about myself. People were proud of who I am trying to become. A friend telling me he was glad to know me. My mom actually saying it was a delight to have me around and to quote her, “I couldn't always say that about you...” When people say these things to me and about me, it brings actual joy to my heart. For so long I have been fighting a label that I let define me. It has literally torn my psyche apart, and for friends, family, the men in my bible study to look at me and say, “What an awesome change we see in you…” I think back to the last several months of my life, was I really just so isolated that I didn't realize the man I was? Was I really such a horrible person that I would be labeled in such a way? The biggest thing that really hits home is hearing my mentor tell me how proud he is of me. There are two people that I have always wanted to hear that from, one of them never said it even though I was told he was very proud of me (Dad), and the other is her. Hearing someone tell me they are proud of me, it hits in a way I cannot describe, it hits the very core of my being. When my mentor says it to me, its almost as if my Dad is right there in the room saying it. My life has generally been filled with people calling me several nasty things, and eventually you just build up calluses to the things being said of you. You hear them but it doesn't really affect you. However, it took a single word to rip that callus off. Words hurt, more so than I show, but the one thing I have learned about this all is that you just have to stand tall like a mountain. People will onslaught you in ways you never thought imaginable, they will break you down, belittle you, and purposefully drive hate into you just to drive their perception of you home. When I hear my mentor, my family, and the men in my bible study say how proud they are of me, it wipes that slate clean, it makes it easier to take that step forward because I know that I am doing something right not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of the Creator.

     I can honestly start to see the change in my life, moving in such a positive direction that I never dreamed imaginable just months ago. I have gotten a new job based on my credentials and without ever having a single interview. This job is allowing me to do something I have always wanted to do, it is allowing me to serve others. Getting thank you emails for working on such an extremely short notice. These things never happen to me, ever. I have had needs met that I did not know how I was going to feasibly accomplish, such as getting a new bed for Zeke or getting a pair of sunglasses that protect my eyes better. The return of laughter in my life, which is really huge to me because I have always had the mentality that if I can make at least one person laugh in a day then I know I have done something right. I've started paying more attention to the daily verse from my bible app, and am enjoying a new devotional each morning to start my day, and also being in constant prayer to keep those communication lines open with the Almighty. All these things are happening in my life that at points it makes my head spin, rarely do positive things occur in my life, and to finally start to see it is really a blessing. It is so easy to just sit in woe, but to truly be thankful and blessed is such a wonderful feeling. The Holy Spirit is moving in ways that I will never understand, but I know that it is for my benefit.

     In my meeting with my counselor on Thursday, I had posed this question, “If what you are fighting for isn't being reciprocated, then what is the point of fighting for it?” She told me to hold on to that thought, and we continued talking. I told her about the turning point, of realizing that being in solitude was never meant to hurt me but for my benefit. Learning to accept the flames of change instead of resisting them. I told her of the new job, of how people were saying these things I have rarely heard in my life, how they were proud of me, how they see an awesome change in me, how they see the laughter and joy coming back into my life. She responded in kind with, “These people aren't seeing you, they are starting to see the fruit of the spirit within you.” If you had told me months ago that this is what would be happening, I would have said, “bullshit.” I see it now. Before we returned to my question, the discussion with my counselor had shifted a little bit during our session. I told her how I had actually prayed with my mom, and how it felt truly powerful. For thirty something years this woman has poured her heart over me, even at the darkest of times in my life, and the one time I actually do pray with her my mom responds with, “I felt something amazing happen, something that I would never expect. Just wow… you are my beloved son, and you are changing. Just let God guide you, he will show you the way..” I continued talking to my counselor and I just said, “There are things that I do and I have no idea why I do them but I know somehow it is the right thing to do. Praying for her and the boys, being called to love her, being called to pursue patience, this is all beyond my realm of understanding but I know somewhere deep down it is the right thing to do.” It is true, I do these things and have no idea why I do them, but I just know that it is right. We returned to my question that I had posed to her earlier. “I want you to open your bible every time you think of that question. Your answer will be given in different ways, but search the Word and your answer will become apparent.” The session ended, I had a new assignment (thanks to her reading me Psalm 69) but the question still remained. This morning when I woke up, the question popped in my head again, immediately after I got an email from my mom. She had put a quote in the email, “Never underestimate the power of love and never underestimate the power of forgiveness.” Love and forgiveness. Once again out of my realm of understanding but I am called to love her, and to forgive her. To be honest it is a daunting task to look at her and think, “our slate is clean,” but I do. In regards to the love, well it is just something you do, regardless of how they may act towards you, how they may speak of you or to you, you just love them because that is all you can do. In reality you may be the only person that does, and regardless of what happens you know it is the right thing to do, even if you don't exactly understand why.

     It has taken time, but things are moving forward. The hardest part is not to get ahead of myself, just learn to take everything one step at a time. Pursue patience, put my trust in God, love, and forgive. Things we should all strive to do in our daily lives. Good night everyone.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

     and lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways submit to Him,

     and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3: 5-6