Christmas is a time of year that can bring tremendous amounts of happiness, but there is also a flip side to that coin where it also can bring hurt, loneliness, stress, anger, etc. I was listening to a sermon Sunday morning while cleaning up for the boys to come over, and I found myself just in tune to the word. "God gives us a calling. It is a customized calling, tailored only to you." Those words took seed into my heart. Slowly I began to think, "What is it that I am called for? What is my purpose?" As Christmas with the boys came and went, I still found myself just thinking on these two questions. "The closer you are to Him, your calling will find you. If you don't have a relationship with Christ, you will not find your calling." Words from the same sermon that also started to take root. My heart was being opened in ways that I did not realize it could be. These words spoken just stoked the fire within me. The questions were being asked constantly. "God will show you the need, and he will show you how to fulfill the need." This was spoken by one of the men at my bible study, truly being moved by the Holy Spirit. I was fully attentive, and that is when it hit. The answer to my questions, they had been right in front of my face this entire time. My purpose, my calling is simple. Caleb, Zeke, Emily. You see Satan was taking pride in keeping me in darkness, not wanting me to come to this realization. Shifting my focus from my family to games, to lifting, to focus on the rejection that I was constantly dealt in my life. Once I decided that enough was enough and truly said, "No, this is not who I am, this is not who I want to be.." well Satan did not appreciate that so he launched his attacks, first the loss of a relationship, then trying to keep me a prisoner of my thoughts, then trying to take Jim. Satan waged a war, won a skirmish or two, but did not win the war. God is with me, God has shown me, God has let me begin to grasp my purpose. Let me tell you, I feel a weight lifted off my chest.
"I am them, and they are me."
While eating with Dan this evening before bible study I said this to him. I see so much of myself in the boys. Through God I was able to understand why it is I am in their life. My purpose, my calling is to be a father to them. Growing up I had a father, I loved Dad, but Dad never understood what it meant to be a father. I understand now through Him how I can be greater to the boys than my father was to me. Caleb is not of my blood, but I love him as though he were. Zeke is of my blood, and I love these boys equally. That will never change. I see two young boys searching for something they have partially had. There were times where I was on point, and then there were times I was not. Never again will I allow that to happen. In the last month I have seen incredible change in the boys. Only through His eyes have I been able to see this awesome change. Before I would always hear, "can we go home now?", they didn't want to spend time around me cause I wasn't there, I was too distracted by the things being thrown at me; thoughts and feelings of rejection, of constant worry, of hurt, of anger, of loneliness that I was missing what was right in front of me. Now the joy I see on their faces when I am there, when I am giving them what I never had, its just incredible. Zeke greeting me at the door with "DADDY!!!", Caleb asking earnestly, "are we gonna stay the night soon?", I see the change by just becoming involved. This is something Emily tried to nail home, but it just wouldn't take for which I am sorry for. God would eventually open my eyes, in His time. I am ever thankful for the awakening that has occurred, but this is no credit to myself. All credit goes to God. I can't change the fact I wasn't truly there in the past, but what I can do is change the present and the future. This is the path God has set before me, to walk hand in hand with the boys along this journey towards discipleship. They are my purpose, my calling.
What happened between Emily and myself was bound to happen. I simply didn't understand her needs, and well this is the repercussion of my failure in understanding. Through Him I am able to understand it now. I understand the relationship she seeks, it is the same thing that I seek; a relationship based on faith. My sinful nature prevented a true relationship from forming between us. An understanding gained, but at great cost. This is the path God has set for her and I. My mentor asks me, "are you keeping the lines of communication open?" I am, by not talking to her because I know the pain and hurt that comes from my words to her right now. There have been times that I have wanted to reach out to her to say, "look I've changed..", or "hey things are pretty rough right, can I see you..", or "I just wanted to tell you.." I'd like to reach out, but right now isn't the time or if there will ever be a time. This is where patience and trust in God comes in. Through Him I will learn patience and wait for the right time to reach out. Through Him I will trust that the path we are on will bring restoration to something greater than what was. Not just start another chapter, but start an entirely different book where God is the author. What I seek won't come from my eyes however, they will come from His. I'd like to believe that she and I can truly start anew, but I also understand that this may not be His plan for her and I. I do know my feelings for her are greater than that I have ever had for any other woman, so I trust in God to bring restoration to her and I in what ever manner He sees fit; be it just a mother and father connected through two amazing boys or in the covenant of marriage. I will love her unconditionally, with no expectation in return. I will do my best to provide in what manner I can. And through Him I will seek to change my label, but in His time not mine. Patience and Trust.
So this is my purpose, my calling. I am a father. Caleb and Zeke are my boys. God will teach me and show me how to love them. Like with the boys God will teach me and show me how to love Emily. God has prepared me for this. Through Him I will change my label. Through Him I will gain patience and understanding. Through Him I will trust that healing and restoration will come. In His time, not mine. Make it a good week everyone...
"so that you may live a life worthy of Lord and please him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light."
Colossians 1: 10-12
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