In recent weeks I've been given only what I can call a spiritual clarity as to the reality of life. For so long I was just shrouded in darkness that I could not see more than two feet in front of me. When you are in this darkness, you are easily attacked, easily manipulated by forces, little whispers (Note: I do not mean someone actually whispering in your ear, this is more in the metaphorical sense of the word) telling you "it's ok to give up", "one more quest, that's all", "go lift now, you can do that other thing later". These forces influence your decisions easily, making you feel obsolete, broken down, lethargic, selfish, or a many other things. This is how evil gets into your life, you accept that you will be constantly rejected, you accept that you have no self worth, you accept these whispers and then next thing you know its several days, months, or even years later that you finally step free from the shadows. You look at the choices you made during this period, and you become appalled at what has become of things. Stepping out the darkness that shrouded my life, I am beginning to see how these little whispers easily affected who I was, it altered my path. Thinking back to my bible study on Tuesday, God gives us the freedom of choice, free will. God will not stop us from making that choice, but He will deliver us from our darkness. I was thinking about this on my drive home today from dropping the little one off. I imagined myself in a coffee shop, and there He is waiting for me, smile on His face, two cups on the table. One for Him, one for me. Begrudgingly I step up to the table, I sit down and I look across the table. The conversation goes like this:
God: I see you finally showed up..
Me: Yeah... (I look down).. I didn't think I would come..
God: I did..
Me: yeah... I.... God... I need your help..
God: I know.. let's finally talk.
God knows we're going to make mistakes in our lives. He was the one who wrote our path down before we were even created, He knew us before we knew ourselves. It's our choice, our free will which makes us seek Him, and when we do He is already waiting with open arms. This is a concept that in the past I have had hard time wrapping my thoughts around, however the more I dive into the Word, the better I am beginning to grasp it. I am also beginning to understand the concept of my accountability to God. To study, to learn, to discuss the Word, and to live my life in accordance to His plan. I do this by attending bible study on Tuesdays, holding myself responsible and accountable to the men of this group because these men will help me flourish in His word. I do this by finding my spiritual home on Sunday's to rejoice and praise Him, to lift Him up above all others. I do this by reading works by authors to help gain a better understanding of the history, the power, the testimonies of His works on others, as well as writing my own personal thoughts and feelings for interpretation. As well as many other actions in my life. This new clarity in my life has allowed me to openly see, more so than ever before, the vices trying to creep their ways back into my being. Already people are asking me to go to the bar, to indulge in temptations of the flesh, to load up a game or two, or the whispers going "go lift, you can get Zeke later". I see these things trying to creep back into my life, and I am fighting them off. I have no want or need to drink, I have no want or need to have that sort of relationship with anyone, and I'm filling my time with His word instead of pretty images and controllers. God knows the path I am trying to walk, evil does as well. Evil will throw these things at me, I've made my choice, my life is His.
God knows the path I am trying to walk in my life. He understands I am trying to break free from the cycle. I recently started reading a book called "The Warriors Soul", and right away I could tell this was a book meant for my life. (I'll have another post in a few days about my thoughts on this book, so far its an awesome read.) Quoting the book: "It's what a man believes that governs his behavior. Warrior actions are derived from the warrior soul. The best know it and nurture it. And once you have it, it never leaves. The warrior soul does not weaken. Long after the body has broken down, the soul stands tall." It was awesome reading that passage, this is written within the first 3 pages, it had me instantly hooked. I am going to fight for what it is that I believe, that everything I am doing now is forging me, preparing me to become a disciple, a father, and a husband. I'm going to fight for my family, for my friends, and for the woman I want to call my wife. I'm going to fight the temptations evil throws in my path that want to discourage my path of change. My strength flows forth from Him, and it will never weaken. I have finally found my "warriors soul".
But like with all things, the fight is going to require patience, perseverance, and most of all trust in Him. I will take things one day at a time, and remind myself this is a marathon not a sprint. I will leave with this lesson from Scripture:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12: 1-3
No comments:
Post a Comment