If you have been paying attention to facebook recently you have read that I sold my computer. After reading more of "Man Alive", I sat down and truly thought about the distractions in my life, the things that prevent me from moving forward along this path that I am walking. There was one thing that always had a serious pull on preventing me from taking an actual step in the right direction. It was my computer. This custom built machine that I had put countless hours into perfecting to be an ultimate gaming machine, hours of using this machine to put myself before anything else. Hours wasted because of the choice I made, a choice that cost me. The more I thought about it, the more I came to my senses that I needed to rid myself of this machine. The best decision I have made in a long time was selling it. The thing that helped fuel my addiction to online games was now out of my life. I cannot explain how liberating it was to drop off my computer, and know that it was never returning to my house again. The draw to play games is there, but I know with the laptop I am currently writing this post with I am unable to game on it, and its a great feeling. In order for me to take this step forward away from the addiction and draw of the games, this was something that had to be done otherwise I would just fall back into the cycle of which I am breaking free from.
Man Alive - Chapter 7: To Love And To Be Loved..
This is the first time that I can recall reading words that moved me to tears. God puts things in our lives when we need them most. I needed to read this chapter. The chapter starts off with the story of a man, who comes home to an empty house, lights off, and a single note from his wife "We just can't take it anymore. We're leaving. I'm taking the kids and we're going back home. I'm sorry." Almost identical what I had just experienced, and I could just feel my heart sink. This chapter wasn't about the man in the story. This chapter was about me, about my life. I soaked in each sentence, eyes glued to the pages, filtering out all distractions. God put this book in my hands, at this time, for a reason and I had best pay attention. The man in the story was asking questions of how things got this way, where did I go wrong, etc., similar questions that I am asking myself right now. God gave us free will and because of that the ability to make a choice, all the choices I had made lead up to this moment, to me needing to read this chapter. Continuing through the chapter, I didn't see this as a chapter just to answer questions and move forward, no these were words that I would use to help blueprint my life. The questions I was asking myself, the answers were written right before my eyes. Essentially, a blue print to implement in my life.
"I want my family back."
I read this line and that is when the tears came down. More than anything that is what I want in my life. My house becomes a home, it becomes alive when the boys are here, when she was here. That is the only way I can honestly describe it. Just like the man in the story, I want my family back. Saturday when the boys were here, it was simply amazing. Painting with Zeke, helping Caleb with homework, watching Zeke nap, playing games with Caleb and watching his amazing mind formulate a strategy to win, eating dinner with the boys while watching a movie together, and finally praying with them before going to sleep, words can't express the joy I felt. This was home. As I headed towards slumber however, I silently wept because this was a moment I wanted to share with her. I wept because the choices I made almost cost me all of what I was experiencing in that moment, as they has already cost me her being in my life. "As much as she can't understand what you're going through, you can't understand what she is going through either." My mentor said that to me in our last meeting, and its true. I can't even come close to understanding what it is she is going though having to make that decision.
"So what are you going to do?"
The story of Chapter 7 ends on a high note with the man, his wife, and his kids becoming a family again. I have no idea how my story is going to end. It has taken me 31 years to realize that I can no longer do this my way, but I need to do it His way because through Him anything is possible. I want Caleb and Zeke in my life, I want to be their mentor, their positive role model, their father. I want to show Emily that I can be trusted, and that love is a powerful motivator. I want to show her and the boys that I want to walk this path of Christ with them together as a family. God will come first, Emily, Caleb and Zeke will always come second, after that everything else pales in comparison. I know my priorities, and my purpose, I just lift it all unto Him to show me the way to do things right and to glorify Him above all others.
In my bible study we're reviewing the book of James, so I will leave you with this..
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1: 2-4
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