This post comes after coming from my bible study tonight. I opened up to the men tonight about the struggles that I am currently having in my life in regards to my relationship with the boys, things with Emily, with Jim, with my current job status, just everything. For the first time in weeks, I was able to grieve. Before these men, and before God I cried. There is no greater affirmation that I am doing the right thing than having a group of men that can connect with you instantly, look to you and say, "What you seek isn't going to come through your own eyes, it will come through His. Put your faith and trust to God, and He will handle the rest. What you're seeking is restoration, for something greater than what you are now, stick with God, stick with this group, seek out a mentor to guide you day by day, and above all trust in God. He will bring you what you seek."
"When we are labeled by our Christian brethren, Satan finds the way to make us feel insecure, to make us believe that is who we are. It is through trust in God that we can break free from these labels, and become greater than what we ever imagined."
I have been labeled. I let that label define who it is that I am. I succumbed to the thought that this is only how I am to be known. Satan reveled in this, and attacked. I was given thoughts of insecurity, doubt, pain, confusion, and anger. It has taken everything inside me, to not lash out in anger, to hold my tongue and guard myself. Tonight during my bible study, we listened to a song (I'll post it at the end of this entry, to be honest I'm listening to it as I write right now) for some moments of silent meditation, to lift up to God our praises and our pains. I just lifted up to God, I lifted my pain, my fears, how I am torn and confused, how I have lived my life in such sinful ways up to this moment, I just gave it all to Him, and for the first time since everything happened I started to cry. As I sat silently, our study leader said, "Is there anything anyone would like to share?" and after hearing a story of praise something inside me said "Let it go". I spoke, and I felt my voice just echo in the walls of my chest. My pain, my fears, my hurt, my confusion, my love, everything came pouring out. I know this was a moment in my life God was listening in on, He and I were turned to the same frequency. Then someone spoke up, "You can be greater than who you are now. Trust in Him, and He will bring you restoration." I firmly believe this was God speaking to me. And as I write this, I am tearing up because I hurt, because I see the hurt I have brought others. I have done things wrong so many times that I never understood how to do it right. I never thought I could do it right. And there in lies the answer, I can't do it; but He can. He will show me how to do it right.
Every relationship I have been in up to now has been based on sinful natures. Lust, obsessions, anger, deceit, gluttony, hate, material desires, everything I have done has been my way, which has brought ruin to my life. A lot of people will focus on the good the God can bring, but they must also understand for there to be good, there has to be wrath. Example: The Temple of Solomon. Built by King Solomon the temple stood for over 400 years before the Babylonians destroyed it. 70 years after the temple's destruction with efforts led by the prophets Ezra and Nehemiah the temple was rebuilt, the new temple was constructed to be double in size. This is what I want in my life, to be rebuilt through Him. To have a relationship based in faith and not sinful desires.
"Everything you are doing will be a test of faith. You can choose to do it your way, or you can choose to do it His. You've seen what happens when you do it wrong. When you do it right, His way, God will give you the right answers, even greater tests, and you will become a beacon of faith that others will come flocking to. Trust in Him, and everything will change I guarantee it. I know this because I've been exactly where you are standing right now."
The leader of my bible study said that to me before I left tonight. I look to him as a beacon of faith, it is why I went to bible study when he called my name. These men understand what for so long I could not, that for me to prosper, to be rebuilt, and to flourish I need to trust in God. Right here, right now I am taking a stand, to longer have control of my life and just trust in God. God will rebuild me, He will change my label, and He will give me something greater than I can imagine. A life worth living.
Here Now (Madness) - Hillsong UNITED
"After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials, and the rest of the people, 'Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." Nehemiah 4:14
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