Evil is going after my family in full force. First it was my relationship, now its going after Morgen and Kelly, then yesterday it went after Mom and Jim. Yesterday, Jim was taken to the hospital, it was discovered by the doctors that he had had a series of mini-strokes, and had an afibrillation in his heart which directly lead to the strokes. As of writing this post, Jim has 70% blockage to one of the main arteries to the right side of his brain. He is being given one more test tonight, then hopefully will be returning home tomorrow. The blockage in his brain is inoperable as of currently, and can only be treated by a diet change. Included in this diet change, he will also be given a new barrage of medications for his heart, cholesterol, blood thinners, and blood pressure. Right now we are all on high alert going into this. Jim is getting better returning to his normal self, yet we will remain cautious and always have a keen eye towards him. My mom throughout all of this is a trooper, I can't praise her enough. She is finding time to send me Scripture to help myself and Morgen, taking time to spend at the hospital, and she is finding strength and trust in God that this is his plan. She is a true beacon of faith right now, and it is amazing to see this. Once I got out of church she was the first person I called, and she finds some way to always lift my spirits, I hope I can do the same in return.
The message tonight at church was simple, and amazing. There was a reason I was there, at that moment. It was to hear the pastor say this. No matter what, you are loved. The phrase that he kept repeating during the sermon (just to help get the message across) was simply "In the past Christ was born in the manger, but in today He is born in our hearts." It was uplifting to hear these words. I am learning everyday how to find strength in His word. As much as evil is trying to throw at me, my family, my loved ones, God's got this. I put trust in Him, because he already knows the outcome. The outcome will not hurt us, but bring us joy and through Him we will prosper. No matter how many things go bad, no matter how wrong you feel, how unwanted, how weak, no matter what, God loves you and Hes got it. Just trust in Him. And so I do. Everything that is happening in my life right now is going according to His plan, and his plan is for me to prosper. In all things I will give Him thanks.
In light of everything that is going on, I am thankful. Now don't be confused, I am partially angry, confused, and there is a lot of hurt, but above it all I am thankful. In the past I would just let my anger flow through me, I would lash out and use hateful feelings laced around words. i would drink to feel numb, because it was easier handling the pain that way. I would engross my life around games, just losing myself in my headset and my keyboard. That was the old me. That is not how I handle my problems anymore. Sold the computer and my gaming gear to get rid of the addiction for good, and you would be hard pressed to find alcohol in my house considering I poured all of it down the drain. I am forcing myself away from these things so I can be closer to His word, so I have a clear and direct connection to the "Source". Every little thing I am doing is the right thing. Selling the computer and the VUE has given me the ability to start providing financially to Emily again (it is not a whole lot which hurts, but I give what I can give currently). I am diligent about staying connected to His word through church, bible studies, and books so never again do I fall on darkness. I am trying to strengthen my relationship with the boys by spending more time with them be it overnight, or a couple hours during the day, every little bit helps. Me being with them is more important than words can express. Lastly, I am more diligent than ever before in trying to land employment again, regardless of the position. Once I find a stable job and am able to provide more, things will start to ease out. My priorities are this: God, Emily and the Boys, Job Hunting, and then everything else.
Regardless of what is going on, I will be thankful. I may not understand His plan right now, but I know the end goal will have me prosper and for that I trust in God to light and guide my path. I am thankful for Emily. I am thankful for the boys and forging an awesome relationship with them not only here in the present but for the future as well. I am thankful for my health, and the health of my family. Most of all I am thankful for my new found passion in His word. God is the answer, I just had to make the call. I will continue to do the right thing for as long as I live, never putting myself before anyone again especially her and the boys, and more importantly I will never put myself before God. God is my offensive and defensive coordinator, he calls the plays and I run them according to His will. I believe. I trust. I fight for my family. Make it a good week everyone...
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi
"He gives strength to the weary,
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40: 29-31
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