I have been thinking of how I actually wanted to make this post. Last night after bible study, I did not have the energy to actually commit to making a post just due to my being tired as well as the information overload in regards to the Book of James from the New Testament. These are just my viewpoints and interpretations of how I see His plan unfolding in my life.
In everything we do there is a lesson to be learned. In school we learn subjects such as math, science, and literature to use as daily applications within our lives such as paying bills, reading a book, or figuring out how to defrost food from the freezer. In life lessons can be much more harsh. Not being responsible can cost one their job, or in the extreme of circumstances their life. Learning from these lessons is how we are able to grow, move forward, but we must not forget the past, always remember for forgetting can be costly.
Right now the biggest hurdle I am having to face is doing things alone again. In the past, I would just fall back on to my addictions, create distractions so I wouldn't have to face what was currently going on in my life. When I would drink, I would drink until I would pass out. It was easier for me to be numb than to have feelings. People would encourage this as well, the people that I had surrounded my life would just buy me drinks, tell me "drink until you can't feel feelings". This is how I handled things in regards to Dad, Steph, and partially Emily. There came a point where I had to make a stand, be a drunk or be a father. I chose the latter because my son needed me more than I needed booze in my life. Video Games were another thing that I would I find myself just submitting myself to. It was easier to put my headset, load up a character, and just quest for hours on end. I didn't want to face the harsh reality at hand, that my relationship had failed (again), that I was having a horrible time landing job interviews, and that I was isolating myself from friends, family, and loved ones. Essentially, I had fallen prey to exactly what evil had wanted me to do. In bible study there is the relation of evil stalking our lives to that of a lion scoping a herd. The lion doesn't go right into the middle of the herd to attack, no they lay in wait for hours at a time determining who is isolated, sick, who is the easiest to bring down. That is when they strike, and score the kill. Evil is the same. It lays in wait, for days or even months on end, it waits for the right time to attack and when it does it comes swiftly. before you realize what has happened in your life, you no longer have a job, a relationship, mental strength, or even spiritual strength. At that moment, evil has won. Yet there comes a choice, to lay there and die in the darkness, or actually take a stand to reach out for help from others and from the Lord.
There is something I read this morning, "Let me say with resoluteness, the enemy wants your family. Even when you think your family is safe, it is not!" This is a lesson harshly learned. I had been isolated, and well, this is the outcome. Evil attacked, took my family, now I am left in the dust wondering. God knew this would happen, and I would reach out. I needed his divine influence on my life, He knew that I would need to stop learning to do things "my way" but "His way". The first thing I needed to do was get rid of the distractions in my life (hence the selling of my computer) to truly start connecting back to the source. The second was learning to pray again, and not just simple "popcorn prayers", but learning to lift up and feel grace. Lastly, the lesson which I needed to learn was this, patience and trust. This is another lesson harshly learned. God has my attention, loud and clear.
I'm learning these things because of my belief of what God has planned for my life. In order to truly understand this plan, let alone even grasp it, I needed these lessons and I needed to rearrange my priorities. Things are not easy, nor will they be for the foreseeable future. My fears, my anxieties, the feelings of rejection, unworthiness, not being wanted, are all being projected constantly from the darkness I am trying to escape from. God has the answer, I just needed to make the call. As difficult as it is right now, I do believe what I believe in. Right now, the plan God has for me is to continue to learn patience, to learn to listen, learn to love unconditionally, an learn how to embrace His word. And so I continue the fight, and with hope for the future God has in store for my life, and that of my family.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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