What I am about to write is what I have experienced within the past few days, and why going forward I need to change my life to become greater than who I was. God has a plan for my life, and I am truly starting to see that now, and it has lit a fire in my soul like never before.
This past week, I experienced the true pull on my soul that has always been talked about in church. I felt the presence of evil in my life, and the destructive powers it has on my being. At the same time I felt the warmth, the grace, of just giving it all up. I felt peace, and not just a peace of quietness. The true peace of bring calm to my tormented soul. For long I had steeled myself away, isolated myself that my actions were easily influenced by the Devil. Laziness, selfishness, addictions, they were just running rampant in my life and it just came to the point it needed to stop, I needed to change.
I started reading a book titled "Man Alive" by Patrick Morley. I had had the book for a couple weeks previous but never really gave any thought to it, but something within me said, "read this, just open read and be honest with yourself", from the get go I could already feel the change but that is also when the attacks began. First, it was finding out the VUE was dead in the water, I had blown a hole the size of my fist in the engine block (still don't know how this happened). After getting the VUE taken care of I continued reading, answering the questions after each chapter. Putting words onto pen and paper. Chapters were just screaming at me, my answers stunned even myself. It was during this reading that I was attacked again, one of the banisters in my living room came free from the ceiling and slammed into the sliding glass door. I felt something, something just pulling on my being to stop reading, to stop this want of change. I couldn't control my life anymore, I was isolated, I was in a downward spiral, I was hurting myself, my family, and my friends. After some time in prayer with Mom and Jim, I was calm enough to finally sleep. The next day, well it would be the final attack and the one which ripped me apart.
My relationship ended with Emily.
Writing that hurts more than I can explain. Once again my laziness, selfishness, addictions, my isolation came through in full force and she had had enough. I had put myself before her, before the boys, and before God, once again it has cost me dearly. For so long I though I had been doing it right, I thought I was on a good path. I was way out of the ballpark on this one. I had been so alone, rejected, isolated that in the end this is the path we were bound for. An out of control ride that I had caused. The cycle had repeated itself, and I did nothing to stop it.
Chapter 5: Breaking the Cycle. Like a acme hammer to the dome, it dawned on me. For 31 years I have been living my life my way. This is what has lead to, and I honestly deserve what I have done to myself. So I gave it all up, but in a good way the best way. I decided I no longer want to live my life my way, I want to live it His way. I was in tears in my room and I asked God, "change me, break the cycle Lord," and like an eternal calm I felt His presence in my life like never before. A feeling of warmth, joy, an almost euphoric state. It was just amazing. This is when things really decided to take off.
In our times of need, God works through others to show his amazing grace to us, on Tuesday God used Todd Laczynski. Todd reached out and extended an invitation to join in his Men's Bible Study. I was scared that these men would see right through me. They would see the man who was broken, and just tired and afraid. What I experienced was the complete opposite, I was met with open arms and love for another brother in Christ. I knew right away these were men I could open up to, share my hurt, my pain, and know I would be loved regardless. These were men that would teach me how to change my life to follow His path, and teach me how to become an amazing father, things that I truly struggle with on a constant basis but I know now through them, through Him I can and will change. After Tuesday night, the doors in my life that felt closed for so long just exploded open, all because I gave it up to Him. I now have a purpose, a drive in my life that wasn't there before and it feels fantastic. The rejection I was getting from potential employers has shifted entirely from constant rejection to my phone ringing with employers wanting to speak with me, and by his grace I have my first interview on this coming Tuesday. I just pray this is the opportunity I've been looking for to start to provide for myself, for Emily, and for the boys.
Finally, I want to say this. Even though this all happened, I am finding myself extremely thankful. Thankful for the men in my life reaching out to me (Gary Germann, Todd Laczynski, and my mentor Dave Spitler). Thankful for the opportunities that lay ahead. Thankful for the boys, their love, and for making my house feel like a home. Lastly, I am thankful for Emily. It is by Gods infinite grace that she was brought into my life. His plan for us is more vast than I can ever imagine, but I also know this had to happen for me to truly understand why it is I need to change. God brought us together for a reason, and I know if His plan puts us together again I will be ready not just for the present, but for the future as well because through Him anything is possible.
I am anxious to see where my path leads and who will be with me in my journey with Christ, I am excited to finally understand peace, and His awesome love. No more just being a body in a building but becoming a disciple; to give thanks and praise in all that He does in my life and those around me. I have truly found peace, and it is amazing. I will leave you all with this, from the sermon this morning...
Philippians 4: 6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ."
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