In the sermon today, the pastor spoke of 'white blazes and blue blazes' in reference to his walk along the Appalachian Trail as a through hiker, the 'white blazes' meaning the beaten path and the 'blue blazes' meaning the shortcut or easier path along the trail. He related this to our walk in Christ, and how we often find ourselves wanting to follow a 'blue blaze' rather than a 'white blaze' but following that shortcut can lead to dangerous implications. Something about listening to the sermon this morning gave me a want, a want to visit Dad, to go to him and speak to him, a want that I have not had in years due to things that I just let fester in my mind, in my emotions, and also in my spiritual path. As these things would fester, I could feel them eating away at the person I was and am trying to become. Recently, things have begun to do get a grip on me, a vice that I am having a hard time trying to overcome.
Over the past couple years there has been a set of verses that I have turned to in hopes of finding strength, wisdom, and guidance in my life. Mom introduced them to me when I began truly trying to live my life with God guiding my path. I'm not going to write them out, but they come from Ephesians 6 verses 10 through 19, it is in reference to the armor of God. For those of you that know me, I am a huge fan of MMORPGs, specifically World of Warcraft (WoW), so these verses really stood out to me. When times were rough, and things in my life seemed to be mountains and canyons, as I would struggle along my path Mom would always remind me to put on my "armor of God" to help me through the pain, and the despair that I had following through my mind and my heart. More times than I can remember I have put on this armor to help fight these feelings of loneliness, of battling my anger, and my fears, that this armor that I wear feels battered and scarred from the constant wear of having it equipped. In recent months it felt like something actually broke through my barrier, that has made it even more difficult to dawn this armor again. As each day passes, I find it more difficult than the previous times to lift my shield against it all. I am bombarded with constant rejection, battered with the fear of failure, and finding it difficult to stand on my own. As I try to get my foothold to stand up, to attempt to make a step forward, something is there to knock me back down.
I am tired, more so than tired I am exhausted. At times I feel weak and helpless. The rejections, the feelings of failure, of feeling emasculated, it has started to take its toll on my body, on my mentality, and my emotions. When I look in the mirror, the question comes to mind of "what am I doing wrong?" or "is this who you want to be or do you want to be something greater than what you are now?", or even "is this best you can do?". I feel like I am a burden to others, a hindrance to their lives. That we have put up facades in order to hide the pain that is truly there. These fractures in our facades being filled with emptiness, and voids being filled with doubts. As I lift my shield to combat this all, I can feel the heaviness it bears.
This armor that I wear that is battered and bruised, still protects me. This armor that protects who it is that I am, still holds strong. The hardest part in all of this is and always will be finding my first step forward. I am trying to walk my path in life through the grace of God, and to stand strong on my own not only for myself, but for Zeke, for Caleb, and for Emily. That in life we are tempted to follow the 'blue blaze' and in doing so I lost almost everything that was dear to me. I want to stand up and follow the 'white blaze', the correct path in life wherever that may take me. In doing so, I must raise my shield against these struggles, and find a way to reforge my path to be a stronger man than who I am now, else I just remain broken and bruised. And all God's people said... Amen.
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