Trust in God.
Have patience.
You will become greater than who you were.
Action.
Trust in God. Although it is hard, this is His plan for my life. For the longest of time, I couldn't trust God. When Dad passed, I just remember being angry with God, questioning his ultimate plan for my life. "How could you take Dad?" "Why are you doing this to me?" "Is THIS your plan?!" It was just me questioning His plan, not fully understanding that because of this great event I would slowly move closer to His presence. I did it again with Steph, and the first time around with Emily. I was angry again, fueled by the things that were being whispered in my ear that I was letting take hold in my life. One more drink, one more game, one more.. one more.. These little whispers kept trying to pull me away from His presence in my life, to prevent me from hearing the voice of God. Everything He has done in life has been in preparation of this moment. To teach me that if I don't change my ways, my vicious cycle, that there will be great loss in my life. A lesson learned the hard way, but then again He did create me so He already knew this would happen. I can already hear the whispers in my ear, "Lets go to the bar.." "Play a game or two, it won't hurt..." "Yell at her, you know you want to.." these things just get dropped subtly trying to get me back into my old ways, old habits. Thankfully, I understand how to equip and use the tools God has provided me to combat these whispers so I don't fall prey to them again.
Have patience. This is a lesson that is being taught again and again in my life. My mentality as a man is to find the problem, fix it, and walk away knowing it has been solved. There is no fixing this right now. This is where Trust comes into play as well, I fully trust in God that everything happening in my life is all in accordance to what He has set before me. Things will work out in His way, I just need to be patient, trust, and know that God is for me not against me.
You will become greater than who you were. I'm already beginning to see this, little by little. First it was learning what the distractions were in my life and then removing them entirely. Second was learning to equip the tools God has given me to combat the evil that is being thrown at me, to combat my anger, to combat my addictions, to combat my fears. Lastly, its becoming a disciple, learning the word of the Lord and how to spread it to the masses. "I could remember years ago when all you would want to do is sit at the bar drink in hand. No one could reach you. I tried, I prayed, I cried over you wondering what it would take to get you back. Now look at you, how much has changed. I am so very proud of you." My mom said that to me yesterday coming out of my interview. Through my trust in Him, I am changing my life around entirely. No alcohol. No games. No addictions to tie me down anymore. Once I was able to rid my self of these afflictions I was finally able to get a clear signal to the source. Letting these things (addictions) run rampant in my life just distorted the signal. I am learning how to embrace His word. I am learning to equip the tools. I am learning to trust.
Action. This one has been one of the most difficult things for me to do. Maybe it relates to my experiences with my dad. There are times where I was on point with what it was I needed to do, but slowly those whispers get through. Then my focus shifted from being a father to being the gamer, being the lifter, being the drunk. As much as I love my dad, I want to be something more than he was in my life. I can't remember a single time my father said he was proud of me, or that he loved me, or even prayed with me. I know that he was proud and I know that he did love me, but I never honestly heard it. I learned from Mom he had his own issues with God, but that slowly changed after he attended IDGB. For me, I am learning again how to back up my words with actions. Specifically with the boys. I want to be in their lives more than my father was in mine. I am spending more time with them, giving them more attention than I received growing up. I am sitting with them, talking, playing, painting, helping with homework, watching movies together, and praying with them when they stay the night. Learning to take action is showing little by little. Caleb is opening up to me more. Zeke always wants to be near me when we are together. I love these boys, and I almost missed out because of my own personal demons. It is only through Him though that this turn around has happened.
Everything I am doing is a whole new learning process. Lessons God has prepared for me, to prepare me to become the man He planned from the beginning when I was in my mothers' womb. Through it all, I just lift up with thanks and praise always for the change He has brought to my life "You have a good heart Mitch," my mentor said that to me this morning during a quick Merry Christmas update. It hit me a little differently than I had expected, no one has ever said that of me. I was surprised and thankful, this is the change people are seeing. I am proud, but this isn't my doing, this is all because He has lit a fire within me that can never be extinguished. Slowly, through His lessons, His tools, I will become the beacon of faith God has planned for me to become. All glory to Him.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from you presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me" Psalm 51: 10-12
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