I am writing this post because this thought, this awesome understanding happened as I was trying to sleep tonight. I've pulled some insane hours in the last 3 days, but tonight something happened. Something awesome. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and my trust in God, well it has never been greater. So here goes....
Tonight as I was driving home from work I felt something happen inside me. At first I thought this was a bad thing. I didn't understand it at all, I was confused and conflicted. As I was coming out of prayer and getting ready for bed, I just asked God, "what is this I am feeling??.." I laid in bed just an empty mind, just a blank slate. As I laid there it slowly began to come to me what unconditional love is. These feelings and thoughts came rushing through me. Things I have never really grasped the concept of before. Laying there all I could do is laugh. Then I needed to do something, I needed to read. Not just a book, or a pamphlet, no I needed to read something extremely personal that was written for me alone. As I rushed downstairs, my heart was racing. This time it wasn't from anxiety, it was from excitement because of the understanding of Gods awesomeness. I reread a letter I was given when I went to IDGB.
The last time I had read this letter, my feelings were of hurt, pain, sorrow, of loss. Just trying to grasp what was going on. As I read the letter, just this big smile came on my face and I started laughing. God had given me the answer, she wrote about it in this letter, I even wrote about it in a previous post from a long time ago. The answer: "No matter what happens, you'll love her. You put each other through the grinder but always come out on top. Everything we do is a necessary step but in the end it all works out. The ends will justify the means, and something good will come from this." Wow, that is an answer.
I asked, and God blessed me with His infinite wisdom. My trust in Him through all this has never faulted. I have been in this position before, where I am right now, but this is how I know things are changing, because being in constant prayer God is giving me the answers I need in His time. Just like tonight. Now, does this mean things are going to instantly change with her. No. Right now, she lives her life and I live mine. She is doing what she wants, and I am doing what I want. There is a lot of hurt, anger, and mistrust on both sides of the equation. I know however that things change, He makes them change. Something my counselor said on Monday when I met with her was this, "God saw that you and Emily were compatible, if He did not then Zeke never would have been born." I believe that things will change, that He will make the change in His time not ours. One thing my mentor always reminds me is, "God will give you 3 answers. Yes. No. Wait." Right now the answer God is giving me is wait.
Wait. This is where what my counselor, and several others have said comes into play. This is the time where I focus on myself, growing in my relationship with Christ, and the boys. God already has the answer to the outcome of this, and He will give it to me when I am ready. "I'm not saying that you and Emily don't have a future.." is another thing my counselor said on Monday. My future right now is one giant question mark. Awesome! Right now however, Christ is with me constantly. I am in awe of His awesome presence in my life. He has given me the opportunity to provide for my family. He has shown me how to pray. He is going to give me the opportunity to not only serve Banquet again but Night to Shine as well (haven't gotten a call on this but I feel its coming). Christ is with me right now as I am writing this, I know this because Daniel Lang one of the most devout Christians I know called me as I was writing this. All signs that He is here right beside me. This feeling is fantastic. Do Emily and I have a future together? It is possible, but He will provide that answer in His time. Right now Christ is walking beside me on my path guiding me in the right direction. The job. The volunteer opportunities. Bible Study. Positive Christian men in my life. Church. Caleb. Zeke. Everything is changing, because of my unfailing trust in Him. Christ will give me the strength to breakdown these walls between Emily and myself, in a way that benefits us both but more importantly that puts Christ above all. Christ will give me the endurance to continue along this path. Christ will give me patience to wait for His answers. Christ will give me my armor to protect me everyday that I fight for my family. He is with me, and he is for me, nothing can stand in my way. I fight. I trust. I will be victorious.
De Colores!!!.
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