Today, my anxiety went full throttle. I completely broke down in a matter of 10 minutes of waking up this morning. The constant rejection of employers, the constant rejection in my life, the loneliness, my depression, all fired up at once. I wrote a letter to my mom this morning, it boiled down to this. I need help. Professional help. I am being held as a prisoner to my own thoughts. I am constantly alone trying, struggling to figure it all out. I am destroying my own mentality, my own physical health, and emotionally I am beyond unstable. I can't seem to wrap my head around the loss in my life. First Dad, then Steph, now Emily. My grip of reality has slipped completely and I am in a free fall. Satan waged his war, this time he won. I have no sense of self worth, I have no sense of what it is I am supposed to do, and worst of all I want to just numb my pain away. It is so much easier to be numb, to not feel anything. I hate the person I have become, I hate being labeled, and worst of all when I look in the mirror all I see is failure. I fear the boys look at me the same way, as just a failure. I can't control my emotions, I can't control my obsessive behaviors, I no longer am in control of who it is I am. I know who it is I want to become, but I can't feasibly see it as being possible. I'm tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, of the rejection. I've been rejected for so long that I have forgotten the feeling of being accepted. I want to be strong, I want to be able to say I can endure, that I will overcome this all, I want to say that, but I can't. I hate this prison that has been built up around me. I want to break free, but I keep just getting locked away. I want to grab a bottle and just drink till I no longer have feelings or thoughts. I want to just put on my headphones and get lost in a game. I want to just go lift so I can have blank thoughts filled with the sounds of the bar being racked and unracked. I want to just be numb.
I put on a facade of strength when I am with Zeke and Caleb. I am trying to be the father they deserve. They need me, whole, healthy, strong, and engaged in their lives. This is why I can't drink. This is why I can't game. They are why I refuse to pick up the bottle or play games. Not being numb comes at a cost, its is the prison which has been constructed around myself. In order for me to be healthy I need help. I am doing this for not only myself but the boys.
My mom told me to do something today. "I want you to have a dream, I know its hard right now, but I want you to find your dream and follow it.." I have a dream. Its one day to come home to my boys, to my family. In His time. Until then I fight the darkness that has surrounded me for so long. I fight the demons locking me in my prison. I fight the rejection, the loneliness, the labels, the whispers. I fight for control of my soul and my sanity. I fight because they need me to. I fight because I want to. I fight because its all I can do. Trust. Patience. Endurance. I will over come every label, every rejection, and break free of this prison. I will overcome because God is with me. So I don my armor once again, battered, broken, and bruised. I don my armor so I can fight, so I can overcome, so I can be finally victorious. In His time......
"We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength." -Charles Stanley
Ephesians 6:10-19 New International Version (NIV)
The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God,so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvationand the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,
Gods' blessings and in case I don't see you; good afternoon, good evening, and good night......
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