This
is my first post in over a month. I am writing because my counselor
has encouraged me to continue to journal my thoughts. I have been
writing, those thoughts have been saved on my laptop and what isn't
saved on my laptop is put into my prayer journal to be lifted up to
Christ. I have reread some of the things I have written in the past
month, and they still bring tears to my eyes. The hurt is there, but
with every meeting with my counselor, my bible study group, and my
mentor I am slowly healing from everything that has happened. I am
moving forward one step at a time.
Today
in my counseling session we covered two very important topics.
Topics which I have tried to avoid. The first topic was anger, the
other was forgiveness. I will start with the later first. In bible
study on Tuesday I heard an amazing definition of forgiveness. It
was defined as follows: Forgiveness is when you can look at
someone, say our slate is clean and I will no longer hold that
against you. That is a powerful statement. When I heard it
Tuesday night, it resonated within my chest. A train of thoughts
came within the following days. Setting this thought process up it
stems from a discussion we had in bible study a few weeks ago about
God hardening Pharaohs heart and what that meant. This discussion
and this past week made me think of the message she had sent me the
night things ended. I had written her a letter apologizing for my
mistakes, for succumbing to my addictions again, and for being so
isolated the previous months among other things. I remember
writing something along the lines of “Can you forgive me?”
I remember in the message I received there was a sentence along the
lines of “I forgive you, but...” This is where the
hardening of the heart and forgiveness discussion come into play.
Talking with my counselor (this is my thoughts on the matter so I
could be wrong, only she can confirm/deny this) about, I don't know
if she really forgave me. This train of thought lead me to realize
that I haven't forgiven her either. Coming to this realization hurt,
it really hurt. For so long I had been praying over her, over the
situation we are in, and still I had not reached the point of
forgiveness. I looked at my counselor and asked her, “Why am I
not able to forgive her?” She in turn looked at me and
responded, “What are you not able to forgive is the question you
need to ask and answer.” I sat and thought for a minute. My
reply was this, “It is because she was able to move on so fast,
to just throw everything away and go on.” My hurt, anger,
jealousy, and envy have become my own road block to being able to
forgive her. A road block that was also encompassed with fear. Fear
of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of not being able to move
forward and let it go. “This road block can be passed with
healing, but you can't force healing it happens in its own time. My
heart tells me that in the near future there will come a time where
everything is brought up again between you two, and that will be the
moment you will be able to look at her with out feeling guilty or
shameful and say to her with your heart, 'I forgive you'. When that
happens, you two will be able to talk with out those previous
feelings and truly start repairing the relationship in whatever means
God has planned for the both of you,” is
what my counselor responded with. I spoke with my Mom after the
session with my counselor, and she had this to say “That
is twice in one week you have had major discussions in regards to
forgiveness. Mitchell, God is working in both your lives, and it is
going to happen. I don't know when, but I feel that it is going to
happen and it is going to happen soon.”
This has been heavy on my heart for the last couple hours. Working
on letting go of her, healing, and moving forward has been the single
hardest things I have had to do in my life, it is even more difficult
than having put Dad in the ground. In time I know I will be able to
forgive her. Each prayer lifted, each meeting with my counselor,
each meeting with my mentor, every Tuesday night in bible study, and
church service I attend brings me closer to becoming healed. This
process of being reforged is helping move forward in positive
direction in this journey called life.
Anger.
It is apart of who I am as a person. There have been times where I
was identified as “the angry guy” by the people close to me.
That has been one of the labels I am seeking to change in my life.
Unfortunately, anger still resides within me. Today I learned there
are four stages to anger within any given person. Warning bells to
let you know that something is wrong within yourself. 1)
Frustration/Irritation, 2) “Mad”, 3) “Angry” | 4) Rage. The
first stage my counselor defined as you can be sitting across from
that person and talk with them but you are frustrated by their
presence or their thoughts/opinions. The second stage is an elevated
form of the first, however the body starts to tense up. This is
where people fiddle with their phones, become more anxious, fidgeting
as well. The third stage is an elevated form of the second, however
the person has become more anxious and needs to move around a lot
more, getting up and out of a chair, or quick reactions with hand
movements. This stage is where the fight or flight really starts to
come into play. The fourth stage is where you cross over the line,
you lose control of your actions and can cause physical harm not only
to yourself but others as well. The first three stages are
voluntary, we as people can move up and down through these stages but
we can recognize that there is a problem. The fourth stage, is
crossing the boundary and is involuntary reactions. Hearing it like
this, I now see it in my life, I can see multiple times where I have
traveled up and down these stages, and sadly have hit “rage”
several times. The difference between the “old me” and who I am
trying to become, I am starting to recognize when I am in any one of
the three stages. (Side Note: I will never allow myself to go into a
rage again. I have seen the aftermath and it is scary. Never
again.) The best example of this that comes to mind was a couple
weeks ago when she and I were messaging each other in regards to the
boys. I was getting frustrated, even
mad at a lot of the things that were being said on her part. I found
myself just writing in my phone, and then I looked down and really
read what I was about to send. I was appalled that I had these
thoughts, let alone had actually typed them out and almost hit send.
As I said to my counselor and my Mom, “What I had written
was pure hate. It would have burned any bridge that there is between
us and then some. If there is to be any hope of healing between us,
this message would have destroyed that instantly. As I looked at my
phone I realized, I can't send this. There is no way in this world I
could send that message. I had to delete it fast, and send something
like 'Ok', just to get a message out there.”
Before when I was going through this, I would have just sent it with
out a care. No regard for her feelings, no regard for the words
spoken. I would have just lashed out, said whatever came to my mind
and not cared for the repercussions that would ensue. Now I do my
best to keep a guarded tongue/mind, to not let emotions take control
over my thoughts. Keep things simple, and then delete the messages
after wards. This is hard, because the “old me” rears his head
and wants to say things that I know I can't, but I force that part of
me back down. My anger comes paired with jealousy as well as envy.
I have created my own road block to my healing, preventing me from
truly forgiving her, and lastly moving forward in life. With the
help of my counselor, healing is going to take place, not in my time
but in God's.
This
is where I need to learn to fully trust God, where in my prayers I
lift her up to God and just ask “Lord, show me and teach me how to
love this woman.” It has become routine saying this every night,
and it helps. God is with me always, so I give her over to Him. God
will watch out, for not only her but myself as well. God will also
bring healing to both of us in His time, not ours. If it is part of
His plan, God will bring us restoration, but in His time if ever at
all. I know going through this that there are times when it is a
constant struggle just to get through the day with out breaking down,
but knowing He is with me and having access to His word has made this
time of reforging bearable. So I confide in the Lord, knowing that
Christ will strengthen me, and that Christ will truly mend me, heal
the wounds into scars. Those scars in turn will be lesson learned
filled with the wisdom of Christ himself. I do not know when I will
actually write in my blog again, but know I am doing well and things
are finally starting to move
from mountains and canyons to hills and valleys if ever so slowly.
Trust, and patience. All in
His time. And so I leave you
all with this;
“In
God, whose word I praise- In God I trust and am not afraid. What can
mere mortals do to me?”
Psalm
56:4 (NIV)
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